We Should Get That Guy Who Does A Half-Assed Job To Fix Our Roof

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Vol 40 Issue 42

Everyone On Campus Afraid Of That One Bar

SPOKANE, WA—Members of the Washington State University-Spokane student body announced Monday that everyone is afraid to visit K-Dee's Tap, that one bar without any windows next to the hardware store on Fordam Avenue. "[K-Dee's] is some kind of biker drug bar or something," sophomore Peter Mendis said. "The drinks are super cheap and they stay open like an hour after bar time, but don't go in there. My friend J.J.'s roommate's brother almost got stabbed there." K-Dee's leather-jacketed bartender, a 67-year-old with a leg brace, said he had no recollection of the near-stabbing, but did caution that, in general, the regular patrons do not welcome "college boys."

Hopes, Dreams Crushed By Panel Of D-List Celebrities

LOS ANGELES—Waitress and aspiring singer Olivia Martin, 21, had her hopes of stardom dashed by a panel of washed-up celebrities Monday. "All I've wanted to do my whole life is bring people joy with my singing, but Martika said I should stick to serving pancakes," said Martin, whose performing also received poor reviews from former MTV VJ Alan Hunter and Saved By The Bell's Mario Lopez. "This was my big break, but I blew it." Martika, who sang the 1988 hit "Toy Soldiers," said Martin lacked stage presence and didn't have "that special something it takes to be a star."

Tibetan Teen Getting Into Western Philosophy

LHASA, TIBET—Deng Hsu, 14, said Monday that he is "totally getting into Western philosophy." "I've been reading a lot of Kant, Descartes, and Hegel, and it's blowing my mind," Hsu said. "It's so exotic and exciting, not like all that Buddhist 'being is desire and desire is suffering' shit my parents have been cramming down my throat all my life. Most of the kids in my school have never even heard of Hume's views on objectivity or Locke's tabula rasa." Hsu said he hopes to one day make an exodus to north London to visit the birthplace of John Stuart Mill.

Millions Of American Lips Called To Service In Fight Against Poverty

NEW YORK—In response to the record number of American poor, Secretary of the Treasury John Snow called millions of American lips to service Monday. "Poverty is a menace to society," Snow said. "As the ranks of the nation's poor grow and more social programs are scaled back, it is crucial that all able Americans talk about how something must be done." Snow then entreated all able-voiced men and women between the ages of 18 and 24 to volunteer to periodically mention that the current poverty rate of 12.5 percent is too high.

Nader Polling At 8 Percent Among Past Supporters

WASHINGTON, DC—A CNN/Gallup poll released Monday shows that 8 percent of those who voted for presidential candidate Ralph Nader in the 2000 election will vote for him again in 2004. "Americans feel it's time for an end to corporate-controlled government, or at least 1/12th of those who voted for me in 2000 do," Nader said, addressing a handful of supporters scattered throughout a lecture hall at Georgetown University. "Don't be satisfied with politics as usual. That is my message to those who voted for me four years ago. Get back with the team." Nader said that 230,000 votes, while nowhere near enough to win, might be sufficient to muck up another election.

A Day Off? Sheeit

'Sup, G's. Check it out: Debbilyn Sundquist, tha Midstate human-resources secretary, e-mailed me.

Battleground States

A handful of battleground states will be key in deciding the 2004 presidential election. What are some of the states most concerned about?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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We Should Get That Guy Who Does A Half-Assed Job To Fix Our Roof

Honey, take a look at the ceiling. Notice how you can see the nails through the paint? That's water damage. The roof must be leaking. No, the upstairs bathroom is over the kitchen. It's definitely the roof. We need to take care of this before the drywall rots or the lights short out. Hey, you know the guy who built Sheila and Barry's old deck? You remember, the one that collapsed at their Fourth of July cookout? We should get him to fix our roof.

I know we have his phone number around here somewhere. Yeah, it's on the fridge magnet. Here, Don Maliszewski. I know it says "Dan." That's a typo. He gave the Garvers a bunch of these magnets when he came to redo his job on their sewer pipe after it flooded their basement.

Hang on, it's ringing. Oh, shoot. "The number you have reached has been disconnected." Boy, maybe his gambling debts finally caught up to him. You know what? I don't need to call him. He practically lives at Flannery's Tavern. I'll just scoot over there and let him know we want an estimate.

He gave the Johnsons a great quote on their wiring. It ended up costing more, but that's how these things go. Don explained that the cost of materials went up, which is why he needed an extra $200 for light switches. Well, they still saved a bundle. They would've had to spend $500 more if they'd gone to a licensed electrician. Instead, they were able to use that money to stay in a hotel after that terrible fire.

He did the Garvers' fence, too. You used to be able to see it from here, but it blew down during that storm. It looked good when it was up, though. The slats were all even. Too bad it had to be the only thing in the neighborhood that got damaged in the storm. Must have been one of those freak wind gusts you hear about on the news.

Anyway, the Garvers said he was great whenever he showed up. He's a really interesting guy. He has all kinds of stories about back when he was a biker. Did you hear about the time he got knifed at the Sturgis rally? That story is amazing!

I'm not married to using him, though. The responsible thing to do is to get price quotes from several people. Hey! We should ask those high-school kids who mow lawns if they want to give fixing the roof a shot. They might be pretty good at it. When they're mowing lawns, they miss a lot of spots and leave the trimmings lying around, but maybe they'd be better at something more challenging, like roofing. Or, hey, how about that guy—what's his name? Jerry Anderson? The guy who got arrested for trespassing and peeping? You don't spend all that time on a roof without picking up a thing or two about how it's put together.

Unless some of the other quotes come back really low, I think Don's our guy. He did a nearly adequate job on the bay windows in the Perrys' house. He finished that job about a year ago, and it's still holding up. It took a little longer than they planned, but only because the city halted the construction. Yes, Don was wrong when he said they didn't need a permit. But he offered to finish the job late at night, when the city inspectors would be off duty. So work was held up for a few weeks, but Don did a super job taping that tarp over the hole in their wall. It rained three times, and not a drop got through!

Oh, no... I just remembered that Don's in jail! Well, I don't know that the roof is so bad that we can't wait the few months until he's free. It's not like he killed a guy on purpose. His scaffolding collapsed when his partner climbed on it, honey. They charged Don with, I don't know, something shy of manslaughter... neglect? Negligence! That's the word. If a jury said he didn't kill the guy on purpose, that's all I need to hear. Shoot, everyone makes mistakes. I'm all in favor of giving someone a second or third chance.

Honey, no. I don't trust the Yellow Pages. You don't know anything about those guys. "Licensed and bonded"—what does that even mean? Who licenses them, and what is a bond, in this case? Honey, a guy in the phone book is likely to tell you anything to get your money. But you practically have to beg Don to agree to take on a job. Yes, I'd really prefer to go with someone unreliable whom we know. The roof will turn out all right. You just wait and see. Now, let's go visit Don in the pokey so we can get things rolling.

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