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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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We Welcome Everyone, Regardless Of Gender Identity, To Use Our Piss- And Shit-Covered Bathrooms

For more than 60 years, Marshalls has committed itself to offering name-brand fashions and home goods at prices everyone can afford. Over that time, we’ve strived to ensure our stores provide an inclusive shopping environment in which all are treated with respect. That’s why at Marshalls locations nationwide, our customers are always welcome to use whichever piss- and shit-covered bathroom corresponds to their gender identity.

We strongly believe the decision whether to use the men’s or women’s room when walking over a puddle of urine to a toilet-paper-less stall stained with human excrement should be yours and yours alone.

The message we wish to send is one of tolerance, not exclusion. Regardless of how you choose to express your gender, either of our dimly lit bathrooms strewn with soggy paper towels that you can’t use to cover the pee-drenched toilet seat are available to you. When you shop at Marshalls for great deals on family apparel and your favorite lifestyle brands, we want you to feel accepted for who you really are: a person just like any other who wants to use the bathroom of their choice and get out of there as quickly as possible before the stench of days-old fecal matter, and occasionally vomit, becomes unbearable.

Customer comfort is a top priority at Marshalls, and that commitment most certainly extends to members of the transgender community. We want you to feel welcome to enter any of our bathrooms; to walk across any of our slick-with-pee floors; to search in vain for the nonexistent coat hooks on any of our latchless stall doors; to hold that door shut with one hand while hovering over any of our toilets speckled with the diarrhea of possibly dozens of people; to dry your hands on your pants after numerous failed attempts to activate any of our broken automatic towel dispensers; and, if you have an infant, to use any of our rickety changing tables smeared with shit and puke and scratched over with years of obscene graffiti.

Those are the core values for which Marshalls has always stood.

We understand that our customers aren’t just shoppers perusing our aisles for discounts they won’t find anywhere else—they’re also human beings who, from time to time, need to use restroom facilities. And when we open one of those doors and are hit by the smell from a bowl filled to the brim with a soupy mix of fecal matter and sanitary products, we’re all the same. Whether we identify as male or female, we all instinctively turn away, dry heave, and decide that we’ll just have to hold it in until we get home.

Of course, it should go without saying that our gender identity policy also allows Marshalls customers to accidentally step on a used condom in whichever fitting room they choose.


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