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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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We Were Going To Take Over The ‘Onion’ Website, But It’s A Real Mess With All Those Ads

Earlier today, we launched an online attack on the American journalism website The Onion in order to lay bare the lies the Western media has been perpetrating about the Syrian government and its revered leader, Bashar al-Assad. However, we immediately regretted our actions as soon as we hacked into The Onion’s site and saw what a goddamn mess it is with all those ads.

Seriously, that site is a complete disaster.

Look, when the Syrian Electronic Army hacks into a website, we want users to immediately see our message that Zionist-controlled interests are distorting the facts that come out of Syria, not a bunch of huge, constantly looping ads for God knows what that assault the senses and literally leave you nauseated. And when we looked at the layout of The Onion’s homepage, we immediately realized the huge mistake we’d made.

How are people supposed to take us seriously when the top third of The Onion’s site and the columns on both sides are completely covered in garish, unappealing ads for some awful-looking movie, all while multiple obnoxious videos start playing automatically all over the goddamn place? It’s incredibly distracting, not to mention entirely repulsive.

Do they even have a web designer, or do the journalists just post their content themselves?

To be honest, we couldn’t even figure out where our messages defending al-Assad’s adept and skillful leadership would even appear in the chaotic jumble of flashing banner ads and unavoidable pop-ups. Would it go between the annoying animated ad for some shitty snack food and the desperate attempt at a humorous viral video ad campaign from a big-box retailer? Who the hell knows.

We honestly don’t see how anyone can use that site without being completely fucking frustrated and annoyed.

Actually, when we first gained unauthorized access to theonion.com, we thought it had already been hacked. Every piece of legitimate content was surrounded by jarring, visually offensive pleas for users’ attention that would have completely overshadowed any arguments we posted about the U.S.’ role as savage, imperialist hypocrites. There’s no way our message could have had any impact if it was immediately covered by an insufferable pop-out video clip of some shitty television show. Christ, if you accidentally scroll over an annoying sidebar ad, you’re basically fucked. Why would any user stick around to read Onion news stories, let alone rhetoric from the Syrian Electronic Army?

This morning, we came fully prepared to use the leverage of a respected news site to inform users about how the measures employed by the Syrian army to quell extremist rebels are completely legitimate. But, good Lord, the company’s logo itself is so small and difficult to find that the whole thing looks more like a crappy alcoholic beverage website than a legitimate media company’s. Seriously, take a look at the piece of shit for yourself.

Frankly, we’d be embarrassed to have our pro-Assad regime message appear on a site that looks like that. But that’s just us—we actually have standards.

And the worst part is the integrated ads mixed right in with the website’s legitimate journalism. It’s embarrassing, and quite frankly, insulting to the site’s users. Hell, people might even think this opinion piece is a sponsored post. Isn’t that degrading?

Come on, The Onion. Where’s the journalistic integrity? Where’s the self-respect?

We were looking for a media company with dignity and gravitas that puts the value of its content well above cheap, desperate grabs for advertising dollars. But what we found instead was a nauseatingly commercial-heavy site that does not, apparently, value its users in the slightest. And the bottom line is we won’t stoop to such a pitifully low level to publish our pro-Assad message next to that garbage.

Get it together, Onion. If not for our sake, then for your readers’.

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