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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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We Will Never Be United As A Nation As Long As There Are Other People Besides Myself

This is a difficult time in our nation's history. There is a rift—a deep, enduring wound—among the people of this once-great land, and while I'm not sure it will be healed in my lifetime, I do not think all hope is lost. I believe change is possible, but the road will be long and difficult. The truth is, this nation can never be united as long as it is home to people other than myself.

The entire population of the United States and I simply can't see eye to eye on many of the key issues facing this country, and that is what tears us asunder. There are two Americas, and unfortunately, I'm the only person alive who is truly able to see things from my point of view. Thus we have a long way to go before our nation becomes a nation of Kurts.

And that saddens me.

There are some who will call me unpatriotic, but they are wrong. I love America, I cherish our way of life, and I have always believed there is room in our democracy for everyone to think and act the same way I do. Every man, woman, and child in this country is free to be just like me. It is no mere privilege—it is the God-given right of every American.

One day, people will realize that fostering a worldview identical to my own is the most sensible course of action. From where I stand, it's the only course of action.

In the meantime, there are a terrifying number of opinions out there that are not mine. Many of them are held by people I haven't even met. Even more alarming, I would estimate that, on average, non-Kurt-Americans probably share my specific perspective on fewer than five out of every 10 matters of political, ethical, and cultural importance. How can we as a nation move forward if millions upon millions of people in this country can't get on board with even half my agenda?

For example, I have spoken to many who disagree with my proposal that I be exempt from toll-booth charges on our nation's highways. This to me is the height of narcissism. If they put themselves in my shoes for three seconds, maybe they would appreciate the value of a traffic lane built exclusively for my use that I could speed through while cranking the Flaming Lips and waving to everyone in line as I pass.

But alas, these people are unable—or unwilling—to put aside their selfish motives and defer to mine.

There are 310 million people in this country who are not me. But deep down, all of us really want the same thing: to bridge the gaps that divide us, to live in peace and harmony. It can happen, but it's going to take some major concessions from everyone who isn't me. It's going to take everyone coming together, shutting their opinion-holes for once, and doing exactly what I want, when I want it.

Because the time for me is now.

I'm not naïve. I realize there are many Americans who have no interest in letting me do their thinking for them. Well, perhaps they should move to France or Bulgaria or some other country that isn't inhabited by me.

It's like my daddy always said: America: Love me or leave it.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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