adBlockCheck

We Will Never Be United As A Nation As Long As There Are Other People Besides Myself

Top Headlines

Recent News

Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

We Will Never Be United As A Nation As Long As There Are Other People Besides Myself

This is a difficult time in our nation's history. There is a rift—a deep, enduring wound—among the people of this once-great land, and while I'm not sure it will be healed in my lifetime, I do not think all hope is lost. I believe change is possible, but the road will be long and difficult. The truth is, this nation can never be united as long as it is home to people other than myself.

The entire population of the United States and I simply can't see eye to eye on many of the key issues facing this country, and that is what tears us asunder. There are two Americas, and unfortunately, I'm the only person alive who is truly able to see things from my point of view. Thus we have a long way to go before our nation becomes a nation of Kurts.

And that saddens me.

There are some who will call me unpatriotic, but they are wrong. I love America, I cherish our way of life, and I have always believed there is room in our democracy for everyone to think and act the same way I do. Every man, woman, and child in this country is free to be just like me. It is no mere privilege—it is the God-given right of every American.

One day, people will realize that fostering a worldview identical to my own is the most sensible course of action. From where I stand, it's the only course of action.

In the meantime, there are a terrifying number of opinions out there that are not mine. Many of them are held by people I haven't even met. Even more alarming, I would estimate that, on average, non-Kurt-Americans probably share my specific perspective on fewer than five out of every 10 matters of political, ethical, and cultural importance. How can we as a nation move forward if millions upon millions of people in this country can't get on board with even half my agenda?

For example, I have spoken to many who disagree with my proposal that I be exempt from toll-booth charges on our nation's highways. This to me is the height of narcissism. If they put themselves in my shoes for three seconds, maybe they would appreciate the value of a traffic lane built exclusively for my use that I could speed through while cranking the Flaming Lips and waving to everyone in line as I pass.

But alas, these people are unable—or unwilling—to put aside their selfish motives and defer to mine.

There are 310 million people in this country who are not me. But deep down, all of us really want the same thing: to bridge the gaps that divide us, to live in peace and harmony. It can happen, but it's going to take some major concessions from everyone who isn't me. It's going to take everyone coming together, shutting their opinion-holes for once, and doing exactly what I want, when I want it.

Because the time for me is now.

I'm not naïve. I realize there are many Americans who have no interest in letting me do their thinking for them. Well, perhaps they should move to France or Bulgaria or some other country that isn't inhabited by me.

It's like my daddy always said: America: Love me or leave it.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close