adBlockCheck

Local

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Welcome To T.G.I. Fridays! May I Annoy The Living Shit Out Of You?

Hi, welcome to T.G.I. Fridays! May I annoy the living shit out of you? My name is Jenni, and I'll be your incredibly irritating server tonight! So, how are you folks doing this evening? Great!

Thanks sooo much for waiting! It has just been completely insane around here! So if I seem a little brain-dead, please bear with me!

Can I start anybody off with one of our overpriced, stupidly named drinks? We've got a new Totally Tropical Piña Colada Smoothie that's totally amazing. No? Just waters all around? Not feeling very adventurous tonight, are we? Hey, no prob! I'll be back with your aguas in just two shakes!

I am sooo sorry that took so long! Like I said, it's just been nuts. So, can I start you folks off with some greasy, disgusting appetizers? I highly recommend the Mexicali Rose Tequila-Fried Buffalo Wings. My personal fave, though, is the Five-Alarm Chili-Pepper Quesadillas with a side of Sesame-Seed-Grilled Tostadas and Margarita-Flavored Monterey Jack Dip. No? Just entrees? Wow, you folks don't mess around, do ya?

Are you aware of our specials that nobody ever, ever orders? I'll mention them even though you've decided what you want. The first is our Southwestern Grilled Fettuccine Alfredo, which is a lot like our regular Fettuccine Alfredo, except the egg noodles are chargrilled and the cream sauce is flavored with a ranch dressing. It's served with either a Mediterranean veggie salad or refried-bean dip. The second special is the Southwestern Grilled Avocado Meatloaf with Oriental vinaigrette marinara. Don't those sound not the least bit tempting?

Doesn't my uniform make you happy? Aren't you happy? Aren't you so happy you could take a bullet through the head?

Whew! I cannot believe how busy we are tonight! I swear, it doesn't normally take an hour for entrees. Anyway, thank you so much for your patience! You're the salsaburger with fries, right? And you're the Grilled Chicken Caesar Salad. Here ya go! Anything else I can get for you? Can I top off that Coke for you, sir? Great!

Say, I forgot to mention this before, but we've got our own freshly brewed ice tea with Mexican-grilled lemon. Any takers? Or, better yet, would you like to see our beer and wine list? That's too bad, because alcoholic drinks are the best way to increase the bill, which in turn increases my tip.

So, how's that burger working out for you, sir? Great! Actually, I couldn't care less. Would you like to see the dessert menu? Take your time looking it over, and I'll be back in a couple of minutes. By the way, I meant to say this before, but I absolutely adore your top. No, not yours, sir! Although you're quite the looker yourself!

Isn't my voice annoying? Did you notice how every third word out of my mouth is "great"? Isn't that fucking annoying?

All finished here? Great! Would you like a box to put those leftovers in? You sure? Okay! Have you decided what you'd like for dessert? The Asphyxiation By Caramel? I'm sorry, we're actually all out at the moment. Did you have a second choice? The Kahlua Fudge Slide with real Reese's Pieces? Oh, geez, we're out of that, too. I'm sooo sorry! We do, however, have the Tex-Mex Fried Neapolitan Ice Cream with kiwi shavings. Would you prefer that instead? No? Just the check? Great! I'll be right back!

Sorry for the delay again, but the register's been acting up. I swear, I think there's a full moon out tonight! Is there anything else I can get for you? I know I totaled out the check, but we do have an adjoining bar. A negligible percentage of our bar sales go to the March of Dimes, so it's technically for a good cause! Oh, you have to leave as soon as possible? Okay, well, you guys have a super night! You can just bring your check up to the hostess at the register when you're set. It's been a pleasure getting on your nerves! Bye!

More from this section

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close