adBlockCheck

Welcome To T.G.I. Fridays! May I Annoy The Living Shit Out Of You?

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Welcome To T.G.I. Fridays! May I Annoy The Living Shit Out Of You?

Hi, welcome to T.G.I. Fridays! May I annoy the living shit out of you? My name is Jenni, and I'll be your incredibly irritating server tonight! So, how are you folks doing this evening? Great!

Thanks sooo much for waiting! It has just been completely insane around here! So if I seem a little brain-dead, please bear with me!

Can I start anybody off with one of our overpriced, stupidly named drinks? We've got a new Totally Tropical Piña Colada Smoothie that's totally amazing. No? Just waters all around? Not feeling very adventurous tonight, are we? Hey, no prob! I'll be back with your aguas in just two shakes!

I am sooo sorry that took so long! Like I said, it's just been nuts. So, can I start you folks off with some greasy, disgusting appetizers? I highly recommend the Mexicali Rose Tequila-Fried Buffalo Wings. My personal fave, though, is the Five-Alarm Chili-Pepper Quesadillas with a side of Sesame-Seed-Grilled Tostadas and Margarita-Flavored Monterey Jack Dip. No? Just entrees? Wow, you folks don't mess around, do ya?

Are you aware of our specials that nobody ever, ever orders? I'll mention them even though you've decided what you want. The first is our Southwestern Grilled Fettuccine Alfredo, which is a lot like our regular Fettuccine Alfredo, except the egg noodles are chargrilled and the cream sauce is flavored with a ranch dressing. It's served with either a Mediterranean veggie salad or refried-bean dip. The second special is the Southwestern Grilled Avocado Meatloaf with Oriental vinaigrette marinara. Don't those sound not the least bit tempting?

Doesn't my uniform make you happy? Aren't you happy? Aren't you so happy you could take a bullet through the head?

Whew! I cannot believe how busy we are tonight! I swear, it doesn't normally take an hour for entrees. Anyway, thank you so much for your patience! You're the salsaburger with fries, right? And you're the Grilled Chicken Caesar Salad. Here ya go! Anything else I can get for you? Can I top off that Coke for you, sir? Great!

Say, I forgot to mention this before, but we've got our own freshly brewed ice tea with Mexican-grilled lemon. Any takers? Or, better yet, would you like to see our beer and wine list? That's too bad, because alcoholic drinks are the best way to increase the bill, which in turn increases my tip.

So, how's that burger working out for you, sir? Great! Actually, I couldn't care less. Would you like to see the dessert menu? Take your time looking it over, and I'll be back in a couple of minutes. By the way, I meant to say this before, but I absolutely adore your top. No, not yours, sir! Although you're quite the looker yourself!

Isn't my voice annoying? Did you notice how every third word out of my mouth is "great"? Isn't that fucking annoying?

All finished here? Great! Would you like a box to put those leftovers in? You sure? Okay! Have you decided what you'd like for dessert? The Asphyxiation By Caramel? I'm sorry, we're actually all out at the moment. Did you have a second choice? The Kahlua Fudge Slide with real Reese's Pieces? Oh, geez, we're out of that, too. I'm sooo sorry! We do, however, have the Tex-Mex Fried Neapolitan Ice Cream with kiwi shavings. Would you prefer that instead? No? Just the check? Great! I'll be right back!

Sorry for the delay again, but the register's been acting up. I swear, I think there's a full moon out tonight! Is there anything else I can get for you? I know I totaled out the check, but we do have an adjoining bar. A negligible percentage of our bar sales go to the March of Dimes, so it's technically for a good cause! Oh, you have to leave as soon as possible? Okay, well, you guys have a super night! You can just bring your check up to the hostess at the register when you're set. It's been a pleasure getting on your nerves! Bye!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close