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Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
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Welcome To T.G.I. Fridays! May I Annoy The Living Shit Out Of You?

Hi, welcome to T.G.I. Fridays! May I annoy the living shit out of you? My name is Jenni, and I'll be your incredibly irritating server tonight! So, how are you folks doing this evening? Great!

Thanks sooo much for waiting! It has just been completely insane around here! So if I seem a little brain-dead, please bear with me!

Can I start anybody off with one of our overpriced, stupidly named drinks? We've got a new Totally Tropical Piña Colada Smoothie that's totally amazing. No? Just waters all around? Not feeling very adventurous tonight, are we? Hey, no prob! I'll be back with your aguas in just two shakes!

I am sooo sorry that took so long! Like I said, it's just been nuts. So, can I start you folks off with some greasy, disgusting appetizers? I highly recommend the Mexicali Rose Tequila-Fried Buffalo Wings. My personal fave, though, is the Five-Alarm Chili-Pepper Quesadillas with a side of Sesame-Seed-Grilled Tostadas and Margarita-Flavored Monterey Jack Dip. No? Just entrees? Wow, you folks don't mess around, do ya?

Are you aware of our specials that nobody ever, ever orders? I'll mention them even though you've decided what you want. The first is our Southwestern Grilled Fettuccine Alfredo, which is a lot like our regular Fettuccine Alfredo, except the egg noodles are chargrilled and the cream sauce is flavored with a ranch dressing. It's served with either a Mediterranean veggie salad or refried-bean dip. The second special is the Southwestern Grilled Avocado Meatloaf with Oriental vinaigrette marinara. Don't those sound not the least bit tempting?

Doesn't my uniform make you happy? Aren't you happy? Aren't you so happy you could take a bullet through the head?

Whew! I cannot believe how busy we are tonight! I swear, it doesn't normally take an hour for entrees. Anyway, thank you so much for your patience! You're the salsaburger with fries, right? And you're the Grilled Chicken Caesar Salad. Here ya go! Anything else I can get for you? Can I top off that Coke for you, sir? Great!

Say, I forgot to mention this before, but we've got our own freshly brewed ice tea with Mexican-grilled lemon. Any takers? Or, better yet, would you like to see our beer and wine list? That's too bad, because alcoholic drinks are the best way to increase the bill, which in turn increases my tip.

So, how's that burger working out for you, sir? Great! Actually, I couldn't care less. Would you like to see the dessert menu? Take your time looking it over, and I'll be back in a couple of minutes. By the way, I meant to say this before, but I absolutely adore your top. No, not yours, sir! Although you're quite the looker yourself!

Isn't my voice annoying? Did you notice how every third word out of my mouth is "great"? Isn't that fucking annoying?

All finished here? Great! Would you like a box to put those leftovers in? You sure? Okay! Have you decided what you'd like for dessert? The Asphyxiation By Caramel? I'm sorry, we're actually all out at the moment. Did you have a second choice? The Kahlua Fudge Slide with real Reese's Pieces? Oh, geez, we're out of that, too. I'm sooo sorry! We do, however, have the Tex-Mex Fried Neapolitan Ice Cream with kiwi shavings. Would you prefer that instead? No? Just the check? Great! I'll be right back!

Sorry for the delay again, but the register's been acting up. I swear, I think there's a full moon out tonight! Is there anything else I can get for you? I know I totaled out the check, but we do have an adjoining bar. A negligible percentage of our bar sales go to the March of Dimes, so it's technically for a good cause! Oh, you have to leave as soon as possible? Okay, well, you guys have a super night! You can just bring your check up to the hostess at the register when you're set. It's been a pleasure getting on your nerves! Bye!