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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Welcome To T.G.I. Fridays! May I Annoy The Living Shit Out Of You?

Hi, welcome to T.G.I. Fridays! May I annoy the living shit out of you? My name is Jenni, and I'll be your incredibly irritating server tonight! So, how are you folks doing this evening? Great!

Thanks sooo much for waiting! It has just been completely insane around here! So if I seem a little brain-dead, please bear with me!

Can I start anybody off with one of our overpriced, stupidly named drinks? We've got a new Totally Tropical Piña Colada Smoothie that's totally amazing. No? Just waters all around? Not feeling very adventurous tonight, are we? Hey, no prob! I'll be back with your aguas in just two shakes!

I am sooo sorry that took so long! Like I said, it's just been nuts. So, can I start you folks off with some greasy, disgusting appetizers? I highly recommend the Mexicali Rose Tequila-Fried Buffalo Wings. My personal fave, though, is the Five-Alarm Chili-Pepper Quesadillas with a side of Sesame-Seed-Grilled Tostadas and Margarita-Flavored Monterey Jack Dip. No? Just entrees? Wow, you folks don't mess around, do ya?

Are you aware of our specials that nobody ever, ever orders? I'll mention them even though you've decided what you want. The first is our Southwestern Grilled Fettuccine Alfredo, which is a lot like our regular Fettuccine Alfredo, except the egg noodles are chargrilled and the cream sauce is flavored with a ranch dressing. It's served with either a Mediterranean veggie salad or refried-bean dip. The second special is the Southwestern Grilled Avocado Meatloaf with Oriental vinaigrette marinara. Don't those sound not the least bit tempting?

Doesn't my uniform make you happy? Aren't you happy? Aren't you so happy you could take a bullet through the head?

Whew! I cannot believe how busy we are tonight! I swear, it doesn't normally take an hour for entrees. Anyway, thank you so much for your patience! You're the salsaburger with fries, right? And you're the Grilled Chicken Caesar Salad. Here ya go! Anything else I can get for you? Can I top off that Coke for you, sir? Great!

Say, I forgot to mention this before, but we've got our own freshly brewed ice tea with Mexican-grilled lemon. Any takers? Or, better yet, would you like to see our beer and wine list? That's too bad, because alcoholic drinks are the best way to increase the bill, which in turn increases my tip.

So, how's that burger working out for you, sir? Great! Actually, I couldn't care less. Would you like to see the dessert menu? Take your time looking it over, and I'll be back in a couple of minutes. By the way, I meant to say this before, but I absolutely adore your top. No, not yours, sir! Although you're quite the looker yourself!

Isn't my voice annoying? Did you notice how every third word out of my mouth is "great"? Isn't that fucking annoying?

All finished here? Great! Would you like a box to put those leftovers in? You sure? Okay! Have you decided what you'd like for dessert? The Asphyxiation By Caramel? I'm sorry, we're actually all out at the moment. Did you have a second choice? The Kahlua Fudge Slide with real Reese's Pieces? Oh, geez, we're out of that, too. I'm sooo sorry! We do, however, have the Tex-Mex Fried Neapolitan Ice Cream with kiwi shavings. Would you prefer that instead? No? Just the check? Great! I'll be right back!

Sorry for the delay again, but the register's been acting up. I swear, I think there's a full moon out tonight! Is there anything else I can get for you? I know I totaled out the check, but we do have an adjoining bar. A negligible percentage of our bar sales go to the March of Dimes, so it's technically for a good cause! Oh, you have to leave as soon as possible? Okay, well, you guys have a super night! You can just bring your check up to the hostess at the register when you're set. It's been a pleasure getting on your nerves! Bye!

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Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

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