adBlockCheck

Well, Folks, It Appears Some Shithead Down There Is Shining A Laser Pointer Into The Cockpit And We're About To Crash

Top Headlines

Recent News

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Well, Folks, It Appears Some Shithead Down There Is Shining A Laser Pointer Into The Cockpit And We're About To Crash

From the flight deck, this is your captain. Just want to give you a quick update as we make our final preparations for landing. The current weather in Los Angeles is 67 degrees with a slight northwesterly breeze, and in case you're wondering why the plane feels like it's completely out of control, well, there's currently some fuckface standing on the roof of his car down near the tarmac shining a laser pointer directly into in my eyes.

I literally can't see a goddamn thing.

A natural question for you to ask would be, "What kind of sick individual does this?" On behalf of myself and my first officer whom you can hear screaming in the background, I'm sorry to say these motherfuckers do exist. In fact, there were almost 3,000 lasering incidents last year alone—enough that they even warrant their own term: "laserings." By the way, in case you're keeping track, that's eight instances per day in which a human being—someone with a conscience who ostensibly knows the difference between right and wrong—drives to an airport, gets out of his car, and entertains himself by shining a fucking laser pointer directly into a pilot's eyes.

If you're saying to yourself, "You'd have to be a real piece of shit to do something like that because you could kill 300 people," you'd get no argument from me, seeing as I am currently trying to safely land a packed 747 while human garbage is making figure eights in my window.

Now, if I were a passenger on this plane, which I essentially am right now because this blinding light has basically rendered my pilot's license useless, I'd be filled with confusion and anger as to why I was about to die so meaninglessly. Also, I would be pretty shocked to learn that the biggest threat to air travel since 9/11 is apparently bored cocksuckers blinding pilots with the same device cat owners use to make their pets chase their tails around. So let me go ahead and give you permission to turn on your cell phones and wireless devices so you can call your families and tell them you love them. And while you're at it, do a quick search for "laser pointers and pilots." That's right, you live in a world in which the following news headlines have been written: "Pilots Report More Danger From Laser Beams," and "FBI Probes Lasers Aimed At Plane Cockpits."

This is happening so often that the fucking FBI is involved, ladies and gentlemen.

All right, flight attendants, please prepare the cabin for impact, and passengers, please take a second to ponder mankind's inherent ignorance and cruelty. Whoops, sorry, didn't mean to turn the seat-belt sign off just then. Once again, I cannot see what the hell I'm doing.

Now, what this dickhead probably doesn't understand is that when you shine a laser pointer into a cockpit, it's very different from shining one on the ground. I imagine that Mr. Fuckstick down there is envisioning a comical scene in which I am swatting a red dot from my face as if it were some sort of nagging fly. That he won't actually be able to see me do this because he is nearly four miles below me, and that the only real payoff he will get from his "joke" is a deadly plane crash, makes this whole situation truly mindless. By the way, if any of you do survive the initial impact and resulting third-degree burns and are heading on to Charlotte, your connecting gate is A8—that's Gate A8—and that flight is on time for its scheduled departure.

Anyway, as I was saying, when one shines a laser pointer into a cockpit, the light is refracted by the windshield and causes the entire cabin to be filled with a blinding light. Just a little photonics lesson for you.

I literally do not have control of this airplane right now.

I will say there is one positive amid all this, though: Statistically, it's possible someone on this plane has shined, or is planning to shine, a laser pointer into a pilot's eyes themselves. If I'm talking about you, please just sit back, relax, and relish in the delicious irony that you might die tonight because some other shithead is playing that sick little game, too.

With that in mind, we know you have a choice when traveling and we'd like to thank you for flying with us today. I've just been told by air-traffic control it's too late to pull up, so the best we can hope for now is to crash into this fucking prick while he tries to run away.

We'll have you on the ground in about 15 seconds.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close