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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Well, I Guess I'll Just Take My Business To Another Soulless Multinational Corporation

The nerve of you people. Treating a longtime patron with so little respect, like I'm just another walking dollar sign. If that's what passes for customer service around here, you sadly leave me with no choice but to have the exact same experience at another giant soulless multinational corporation somewhere else.

Maybe one that knows how to rob its customers of a fraction less dignity.

Every single time I'm in here—without fail—it's been the same god-awful experience. But this! This is a new low for you guys. I don't even know why I still bother coming here when I could happily take my business to one of the faceless global entities around the corner and be equally insulted and dehumanized there. My insignificant contribution to the bottom line could easily be theirs for the taking!

What do you think about that, you crooks? I don't have to bend over and take this from you. I can bend over and take this from one of your sprawling, heavily franchised rivals.

Do you think you're my only source for generic, mass-produced merchandise? You're not the only vertically integrated international conglomerate with retail locations on five continents in this town, you know. Maybe you weren't aware, but there are three or four morally bereft megacorporations hawking the same stuff within 10 minutes' drive, and quite frankly, I'd be glad to engage in an emotionless transaction with any of them.

Okay, sure, I'll concede that it was your competitive, high-volume discounts that got me in here in the first place. But that's not the point. The point is that I'm an individual— an individual who has free will in choosing which uncaring global monolith to spend her money at.

Face it, you're a disgrace, and I'm going to tell everyone I know not to shop here and these actions will affect your multibillion dollar company in no way whatsoever.

So there!

And you know what? Have it your way. Don't bring out your supervisor. I'd much rather stand in line at some other big-box store, ask the same question, and eventually be told to just call the company's 1-800 number. There are plenty of other chains I can go to that are probably owned by the same parent company as you are and would no doubt be thrilled to abuse my loyalty at the drop of a hat, leaving me in the very same predicament I'm in now.

Well, this has been a complete waste of an afternoon. What a shame that I'm now going to walk out of here humiliated and totally empty-handed. You see what's happening right now? This is $26.99 putting away her wallet, getting in her car, and driving to one of your competitors, who truly won't give a shit.

So I hope you're all really proud of yourselves. Because you just lost an instantly replaceable customer for good.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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