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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Well, I Guess I'll Just Take My Business To Another Soulless Multinational Corporation

The nerve of you people. Treating a longtime patron with so little respect, like I'm just another walking dollar sign. If that's what passes for customer service around here, you sadly leave me with no choice but to have the exact same experience at another giant soulless multinational corporation somewhere else.

Maybe one that knows how to rob its customers of a fraction less dignity.

Every single time I'm in here—without fail—it's been the same god-awful experience. But this! This is a new low for you guys. I don't even know why I still bother coming here when I could happily take my business to one of the faceless global entities around the corner and be equally insulted and dehumanized there. My insignificant contribution to the bottom line could easily be theirs for the taking!

What do you think about that, you crooks? I don't have to bend over and take this from you. I can bend over and take this from one of your sprawling, heavily franchised rivals.

Do you think you're my only source for generic, mass-produced merchandise? You're not the only vertically integrated international conglomerate with retail locations on five continents in this town, you know. Maybe you weren't aware, but there are three or four morally bereft megacorporations hawking the same stuff within 10 minutes' drive, and quite frankly, I'd be glad to engage in an emotionless transaction with any of them.

Okay, sure, I'll concede that it was your competitive, high-volume discounts that got me in here in the first place. But that's not the point. The point is that I'm an individual— an individual who has free will in choosing which uncaring global monolith to spend her money at.

Face it, you're a disgrace, and I'm going to tell everyone I know not to shop here and these actions will affect your multibillion dollar company in no way whatsoever.

So there!

And you know what? Have it your way. Don't bring out your supervisor. I'd much rather stand in line at some other big-box store, ask the same question, and eventually be told to just call the company's 1-800 number. There are plenty of other chains I can go to that are probably owned by the same parent company as you are and would no doubt be thrilled to abuse my loyalty at the drop of a hat, leaving me in the very same predicament I'm in now.

Well, this has been a complete waste of an afternoon. What a shame that I'm now going to walk out of here humiliated and totally empty-handed. You see what's happening right now? This is $26.99 putting away her wallet, getting in her car, and driving to one of your competitors, who truly won't give a shit.

So I hope you're all really proud of yourselves. Because you just lost an instantly replaceable customer for good.

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