Well, It Looks Like My Work Here Has Been Successfully Avoided

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Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace

SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.

Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...

Benadryl Introduces New Non-Drowsy Allergy Dart

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Promising consumers rapid relief from seasonal allergies without any drowsiness, Johnson & Johnson announced the release Friday of Benadryl Pierce, a new blowgun-administered antihistamine dart that will soon be available in dr...

Timeline: The Collapse Of RadioShack

Electronics retailer RadioShack filed for bankruptcy after 94 years in business, ultimately unable to keep up with consumers’ shift to the wireless and digital technologies of the internet age.

Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees

SAN DIEGO—Cautioning that the initiative was being instituted on a trial basis only, Forrest Logistics CEO Wayne Gartner announced Thursday that the company had recently begun experimenting with valuing its employees.

Most Controversial Super Bowl Commercials

The commercials airing during the Super Bowl each year have become incredibly popular in their own right, and nearly every broadcast seems to include at least one ad met with criticism from audiences, media critics, and others.

The Pros And Cons Of Fracking

Gas prices are plummeting across America thanks in part to the country doubling its daily oil exports, which is made possible by chemical fracturing technology that scientists have said wreaks havoc on the environment.

KFC, Midas Team Up For Much-Anticipated Crossover Meal

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying the new product brings together the best that two of America’s most trusted brands have to offer, fast food giant KFC and automotive service chain Midas introduced their long-awaited crossover meal, the Road Bucket, this ...

Corporate America Shaken By Death Of Longtime Consumer

CHARLESTON, SC—Expressing shock and an immense sense of grief, numerous high-ranking figures across corporate America were reportedly left shaken Friday after learning of the sudden death of longtime consumer Arthur Henderson. Executives within the ...

Boston Cruise Line Introduces New Whale Ramming Tour

BOSTON—Offering what they describe as an “unforgettable” opportunity to get “up close and personal” with the region’s marine life, sources confirmed this week that Boston-based cruise line Harbor Excursions has begun op...

Moronic Mailroom Worker Worked Way Down From CEO

NEW YORK—Marveling at just how far he has plummeted since taking charge of the company 18 years ago, moronic former CEO Douglas Kellerman regaled reporters Tuesday with the discouraging story of how he worked his way down to the mailroom of MetroCom...
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Well, It Looks Like My Work Here Has Been Successfully Avoided

At long last, it's five o'clock. Another day, another dollar, as they say, and I'm just about wrapping up. All that's left to do is switch off my desk lamp, grab my coat, and head home. Maybe when I get there, I'll have a beer. Nothing hits the spot like a nice cold beer after putting in a solid seven hours of shirking responsibility at the office.

Yes, I think my lack of work here is done.

Few things bring more satisfaction to a man than maintaining the charade of an honest day's labor. It's not always easy. There are times when it feels like I'll never make it to lunch without having to at least reply to some e-mails, but somehow I always find a way. And when that clock strikes five, I can close my DivX player and clear my browser history with pride, knowing that I once again managed to put not one ounce of effort into the job I am paid to perform.

I was on fire today! I listened to the phone ring; I took papers out of drawers, made a concerned face at them, and put them in other drawers; I restarted my computer twice. And on top of all that, I also drank some coffee. Didn't brew a new pot when I finished it, of course, because as soon as I was done organizing the sugar packets I had to get back to my desk and spend a half hour fantasizing about how I might look with different hair styles.

Yes, I complain. But that's only so people think I'm working. Truth is, I've just been sticking this pushpin into my cubicle walls over and over when I should be preparing for tomorrow's presentation. And as long as there's still work to be done, I'll be right in this chair, updating my OkCupid profile. Because I'm proud of everything I don't do for this company, and because my boss works two floors up and almost never comes down here.

No one thanks me for it, but day in and day out, I'm draining valuable company resources while contributing next to nothing.

Perhaps I get my work ethic from my father. I still remember coming home from school to find him sitting on the couch in his bathrobe after a long day of faking a herniated disk to get workers' comp. He'd say, "Son, listen to me. These places are paying you to show up in the morning and leave in the evening. If they want you to do some work in-between, that's their problem."

He was a wise man, my Dad. If he were here today, I think he'd be proud of me and all I haven't done.

Are there times when I feel overwhelmed by the sheer number of things I don't do in a day? Of course. That's why it's good to have a little routine, so you don't find yourself accidentally falling into long bouts of productivity. I like to start the day around 10:30 or 10:45 by rocking back and forth in my chair for a bit. I find it sets a nice tone. Then, it's mostly just a mixed bag of e-mailing friends, commenting on Fail Blog videos, and hitting the "random" button on Wikipedia until lunch.

After that it gets pretty hairy, because it's the afternoon and you've just had a break, so everyone expects you to be working. That's why I like to jump right in, roll up my sleeves, and drop by Ted's office to talk about the game last night. Because when we don't work together, nothing gets done twice as fast.

If you keep to a routine, there's no limit to how much you can deliberately not achieve. In college, my goal was to get a job in an art gallery. So what did I do? I buckled down and concocted a completely fictitious resumé in order to lie my way in, and before I knew it, I was sitting around trying to remember the names of my fourth-grade classmates at my dream job!

It just goes to show you. Circumventing hard work pays off.

And now it is time to go. A bunch of my coworkers are having a drink at Houlihan's, and I'm going to join them. Not to make friends or anything. I just need to start planting the seeds of a toothache excuse I'm going to cash in for a half day on Tuesday.

That's the hardest part about avoiding work: It's a 24/7 job.