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Well, Those White House Security Guards Certainly Were Rude

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What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Biggest Campaign Gaffes So Far

The road to the 2016 election has seen its fair share of blunders, miscalculations, and poorly worded statements, all captured by an eager news media that’s always on the lookout for political missteps. Here are some of the biggest campaign gaffes of this election cycle so far:

How The Iowa Caucuses Work

The votes cast in the Iowa caucuses on Monday night mark the official beginning of the 2016 election season, but the specifics of the state’s selection process can be confusing to voters who don’t live there. Here, The Onion answers the most common questions about how the Iowa caucuses work:

Iowan Comforts Sobbing Jeb Bush At Town Hall

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Dazed Marco Rubio Wakes Up In Koch Compound To Find Cold Metal Device Installed Behind Ear

‘Hello Marco, We Will Now Begin The Program,’ Says Soothing Voice

UNKNOWN LOCATION—The brightly lit, stark-white room gradually coming into focus as he regained consciousness, GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio reportedly awoke in the Koch brothers’ secret compound Thursday and reached suddenly to his throbbing head to discover a cold metal device implanted behind his left ear.

Hillary Clinton Relaxing Before Debate With Few Hours Of Debate Practice

GOFFSTOWN, NH—Describing it as a much-needed escape from the hype and pressure surrounding the event, aides from Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign confirmed that the candidate has been taking it easy and kicking back ahead of Saturday’s Democratic debate with a few hours of intensive debate practice.

Terrified Jeb Bush Beginning To Fade From Visible Spectrum

LAS VEGAS—His voice slowing during his response to a question about immigration as he struggled to comprehend what was happening to him, a visibly terrified Jeb Bush reportedly began to vanish from the visible spectrum while on stage at Tuesday night’s Republican debate.

Koch Brothers Get Each Other Same Election For Christmas

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The Pros And Cons Of Political Correctness

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Rand Paul Escorted Off Stage After Falling Below 2.5% In Middle Of Debate

MILWAUKEE—Interrupted midway through answering a question about how he would reform the nation’s tax code, Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul was reportedly escorted off stage roughly an hour into Tuesday’s GOP primary debate after falling below the minimum 2.5 percent polling threshold necessary for participating in the forum.

Fact-Checking Ben Carson’s Claims

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Republicans’ Demands For Upcoming Debates

Following last week’s contentious debate in Colorado, Republican presidential candidates are formulating demands for future debates in the effort to reduce perceived media bias and foster a more productive, policy-focused discussion. Here are the GOP’s demands for upcoming debates

Top Issues For Voters In The 2016 Election

With the presidential race well underway and the pool of candidates narrowing, Americans will soon have to choose their next leader based on how well they speak to the issues. Here are the top issues that matter for voters in the 2016 election

Winners And Losers Of Last Night’s Debate

The top 10 leading GOP presidential candidates met in Boulder, CO for their third debate last night, hosted by CNBC and featuring a number of contentious moments concerning alleged liberal media bias, frontrunners’ contradictory statements, and more. The Onion breaks down who won and who lost the debate

Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts

SAN ANTONIO—Calling the disturbing incidents a persistent source of anguish, GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson told reporters at a Monday campaign stop that he has been tormented by periodic rational thoughts for the past several years.

How Democrats Are Preparing For Their First Debate

The first Democratic presidential debate will be held Tuesday, and the candidates are expected to battle it out over issues as wide-ranging as gun control, climate change, and wealth inequality in America. Here’s how the candidates are preparing for the debate

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

Unemployed Single Mother In Rubio Speech Told Candidate About Her Problems In Confidence

CEDAR FALLS, IA—Describing her shock and embarrassment upon learning that her personal struggles were shared with an entire campaign rally audience, 37-year-old Allison Kilpatrick, an unemployed single mother that Republican presidential hopeful Marco Rubio mentioned in a recent stump speech, informed reporters Thursday that she told the candidate about her problems in confidence.

Obama Scrambling Around White House Kitchen Before State Dinner

WASHINGTON—Darting back and forth from refrigerator to sink to prep table while hurriedly preparing 350 hand-carved radish rosettes, a visibly agitated President Obama reported Friday that everything must be absolutely perfect for tonight’s state dinner in honor of Chinese president Xi Jinping.

Voters Look On In Horror As 3 New Republican Candidates Appear In Place Of Scott Walker

MADISON, WI—Overcome by a profound feeling of dread and helplessness as the GOP field multiplied before their eyes, voters at Scott Walker’s press conference yesterday, in which the Wisconsin governor announced he was exiting the presidential race, reportedly looked on in horror as three new Republican contenders appeared on stage in place of the former candidate.

Top Snake Handler Leaves Sinking Huckabee Campaign

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Dealing yet another blow to the former Arkansas governor’s presidential hopes, Dalton Hobbs, one of Mike Huckabee’s top snake handlers, has decided to leave the sinking campaign, sources reported Thursday.

Aides Rush On Stage To Rotate Scott Walker Back To Direction Of Audience

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Upon noticing that the Wisconsin governor had become disoriented during one of the moderator’s questions and begun delivering his response while facing the set’s backdrop, several of his aides rushed on stage during Wednesday’s GOP primary debate to rotate Scott Walker back in the direction of the audience.

GOP Debate Stage Manager Pulls Ladies’ Podium Out Of Storage For Carly Fiorina

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Having rummaged through a cluttered backstage closet for nearly half an hour in an effort to locate its elegantly curved lavender form, stage manager Paul Guzman is said to have finally pulled the GOP’s official ladies’ podium out of storage for Carly Fiorina ahead of Wednesday night’s Republican primary debate.

Who Is Kim Davis?

Rowan County, KY clerk Kim Davis returned to work Monday after being jailed for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples on religious grounds. Here’s what you need to know about the defiant public servant:
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Well, Those White House Security Guards Certainly Were Rude

I've traveled all over this country, but I don't believe that I've ever in all my years been treated as poorly as I was at the White House today. I was shouted at, grabbed, and treated like some sort of vagabond. I would expect that sort of thing in Russia, but not in a free country. Those uniformed guards sure could stand to learn some manners.

It all started in the Blue Room. Our tour guide told us it was where Grover Cleveland was married. I had no idea that anyone was married in the White House. It must have been splendid, with dignitaries and captains dressed in the fineries of the day. I figured that if we were allowed to go into the Blue Room, we would be allowed to poke around for wedding-photo albums. I was trying to get to the drawers, and, well, a certain White House security guard had other ideas. There was no need for him to take that tone with me! I am a human being, not a bad dog. He repeated, "Ma'am, please stay behind the ropes" at least 10 times.

And that wasn't the worst part. How the heck was I to know where the bathroom was? I'd had a jumbo Diet Pepsi in the Smithsonian cafeteria earlier, and I had to go number one! I would have asked the tour guide to show me where the restroom was, but he was in the middle of a speech about all the historical meetings that have taken place in the Oval Office. (Not that we were allowed in the Oval Office. They only let us peer at it from around the corner, like peeping toms.) Anyway, rather than interrupt the guide, I used my smarts. I thought, "If this were my house, where would the bathroom be?" I figured it would be upstairs, so I left the tour group on my own to avoid making a scene.

Well, lord oh me, what a mistake that was! Before I got halfway up the stairs, five men had surrounded me. They wouldn't even let me go do my business before they led me into some little side room and asked me a bunch of questions. When I reached into my pocket for a Kleenex, a guard grabbed my arm like I was a common criminal. Grabbed my arm right there! Can you imagine being treated like that? I told him, "I am a taxpayer, so this is my house, too!"

They insisted on waving me up and down with a metal-detector wand, even though I told them that I'd already gone through security on the way in. It's as if they didn't even hear me. They even looked through my fanny pack before they let me go back to the group.

That wasn't the last of it. The guard in Lincoln's bedroom was even more abusive. I tried to tell him that I just wanted to get a closer look at the place where Lincoln was laid out before he was buried, but he wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise. He was all, "Ma'am, step back" and "Excuse me, excuse me, ma'am." Well, I never! Here's a little helpful hint: If you don't want people to touch the presidential portraits, put them behind plastic. How could anyone resist running a finger along Eisenhower's forehead?

Besides, what's the point of showing us things if we can't take pictures of them? "No flash photography," indeed. The tour guide told me that flashes fade the valuable artifacts, but my family has taken our Christmas photo in front of our shadow box for the past 20 years, and my porcelain kitten statuettes look as nice as the day I bought them! Well, I didn't know how to turn the flash off on my darn camera, and I didn't drive all the way to Washington for nothing, so I just thought I'd snap a couple of the less significant portraits. Can you believe the guide bit my head off for something so innocent? He even threatened to take my camera away until the end of the tour. Honestly.

In Chatfield, where I'm from, they don't treat you like that. At the Chatfield Library, the librarian always lets me use the employee bathroom if I'm back in the periodicals section. And I can touch anything I want. I even went behind the desk once to grab a pencil, and they didn't clap me in irons. In Washington, however, they acted like I was some sort of... well, to be honest, I have no idea what they thought.

I've been treated shabbily this entire vacation. On the way into the Capitol building, they went through my purse. You never go through a woman's purse! That's where she keeps her feminine things. Then, at the National Air and Space Museum, they yelled at me because I was lingering in the space capsule too long. It's not like I could've flown to the moon in that thing, even if it worked, which it didn't.

Well, if that's how they do things in the nation's capital, it's quite a shame. People in Chatfield know how to treat their fellow man with respect. You had better believe that I'm going to write to my congressman and let him know a thing or two. Maybe I can spare some other curious citizen this sort of indignity.

You know, I was going to vote for President Bush again, but after this, I might think twice.

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