We're In An Economy-Sized Pickle!

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Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace

SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.

Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...

Benadryl Introduces New Non-Drowsy Allergy Dart

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Promising consumers rapid relief from seasonal allergies without any drowsiness, Johnson & Johnson announced the release Friday of Benadryl Pierce, a new blowgun-administered antihistamine dart that will soon be available in dr...

Timeline: The Collapse Of RadioShack

Electronics retailer RadioShack filed for bankruptcy after 94 years in business, ultimately unable to keep up with consumers’ shift to the wireless and digital technologies of the internet age.

Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees

SAN DIEGO—Cautioning that the initiative was being instituted on a trial basis only, Forrest Logistics CEO Wayne Gartner announced Thursday that the company had recently begun experimenting with valuing its employees.

Most Controversial Super Bowl Commercials

The commercials airing during the Super Bowl each year have become incredibly popular in their own right, and nearly every broadcast seems to include at least one ad met with criticism from audiences, media critics, and others.

The Pros And Cons Of Fracking

Gas prices are plummeting across America thanks in part to the country doubling its daily oil exports, which is made possible by chemical fracturing technology that scientists have said wreaks havoc on the environment.

KFC, Midas Team Up For Much-Anticipated Crossover Meal

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying the new product brings together the best that two of America’s most trusted brands have to offer, fast food giant KFC and automotive service chain Midas introduced their long-awaited crossover meal, the Road Bucket, this ...

Corporate America Shaken By Death Of Longtime Consumer

CHARLESTON, SC—Expressing shock and an immense sense of grief, numerous high-ranking figures across corporate America were reportedly left shaken Friday after learning of the sudden death of longtime consumer Arthur Henderson. Executives within the ...

Boston Cruise Line Introduces New Whale Ramming Tour

BOSTON—Offering what they describe as an “unforgettable” opportunity to get “up close and personal” with the region’s marine life, sources confirmed this week that Boston-based cruise line Harbor Excursions has begun op...

Moronic Mailroom Worker Worked Way Down From CEO

NEW YORK—Marveling at just how far he has plummeted since taking charge of the company 18 years ago, moronic former CEO Douglas Kellerman regaled reporters Tuesday with the discouraging story of how he worked his way down to the mailroom of MetroCom...
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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We're In An Economy-Sized Pickle!

Refusing to buy all this news about the economy being in the ol' litter box? Well, believe it. It's true! And how does your pal Jean know this? Because I'm being forced to—get this—take a second job! What more crystal-clear indicator do you need that our country isn't doing so hot?

That royal grouch Hubby Rick absolutely insisted I go back into the workforce "for real" this time. Rick has always had a problem with my laid-back, inspired career, but now he's claiming I have no choice in the matter, because the tire center isn't giving anyone a raise for at least a year and is forcing the employees to pay higher health insurance premiums. So now I'm back out peddling the ol' resume. (Of course, you don't see Rick looking for another job, or cutting back on his paintball weekends and nightly excursions to Tacky's Tavern! He says that he's earning enough money; it's me who isn't holding up her end of the bargain. I suppose he thinks the $100 I earn every week selling old paperbacks, VHS tapes, and crocheted bathroom tissue covers at the indoor flea market is just chump change?) And despite my many years of part-time job experience, I'm finding work a lot tougher to find these days. Not even Orange Julius is hiring, and they were always desperate. I mean, for ages it seemed like every time I went to the mall food court a "Help Wanted" sign hung above those churning-juice things!

There's another reason why Rick's insisting I get another job—my minimum monthly credit card payments have nearly doubled! Like, slap me with a cold fish, why don't you? Isn't that a fine how-do-you-do to a loyal shopaholic? Sorry to be a Cindy Cynic, but I think those of us who buy lots of stuff, including many things we don't need, are the unsung heroes that kept the wheels of prosperity rolling for so long, and we deserve to be treated accordingly! (If you're a commerce secretary, consider diverting some of that federal bailout money to 1567 Blossom Meadows Drive, Apartment 48B. Rick and I would only need a few hundred bucks a month for a few years—a relative bargain compared to what some broke investment bank needs!)

But as you Jeanketeers know, I always look on the bright side, and the silver lining here is that Rick isn't on the unemployment line. Actually, we Teasdales are really the lucky ones in all this. We rent, so we don't have some crazy subprime mortgage to pay off. We never got beyond high school, so we don't have enough education to have jobs in those various smart-person trades, which have undergone tons of layoffs, from what I hear. So you see, our lack of ambition really is an asset.

And, unlike a lot of people, we have something very crucial to fall back on in case things get even worse: our collectibles! Up until recently, I've always considered Rick's die-cast NASCAR miniatures and my doll collection our retirement fund. I still do, but now I realize our little golden nest egg could also come in quite handy for extra cash, should we need it. Sure, it would be hard to part with my Totally Hair Barbie doll, but after 15 years she has to be worth quite a lot now. After all, she was the most popular Barbie in history! (And my mom always likes to complain about all the "worthless crap" I collect!)

Anyhow, I'm willing to bite the bullet and take a job I might not be altogether happy with, at least until this economic depression thing blows over. After all, we all have to make sacrifices in life. Where I draw the line at, though, is doing naughty no-no things for money, so please don't ask. (I'm not addressing you, Jeanketeers, I mean that Dirty Dan who keeps sending me e-mails telling me he'd like to "quaff from [my] big dripping mug of melted butter.")