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It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.
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We're In An Economy-Sized Pickle!

Refusing to buy all this news about the economy being in the ol' litter box? Well, believe it. It's true! And how does your pal Jean know this? Because I'm being forced to—get this—take a second job! What more crystal-clear indicator do you need that our country isn't doing so hot?

That royal grouch Hubby Rick absolutely insisted I go back into the workforce "for real" this time. Rick has always had a problem with my laid-back, inspired career, but now he's claiming I have no choice in the matter, because the tire center isn't giving anyone a raise for at least a year and is forcing the employees to pay higher health insurance premiums. So now I'm back out peddling the ol' resume. (Of course, you don't see Rick looking for another job, or cutting back on his paintball weekends and nightly excursions to Tacky's Tavern! He says that he's earning enough money; it's me who isn't holding up her end of the bargain. I suppose he thinks the $100 I earn every week selling old paperbacks, VHS tapes, and crocheted bathroom tissue covers at the indoor flea market is just chump change?) And despite my many years of part-time job experience, I'm finding work a lot tougher to find these days. Not even Orange Julius is hiring, and they were always desperate. I mean, for ages it seemed like every time I went to the mall food court a "Help Wanted" sign hung above those churning-juice things!

There's another reason why Rick's insisting I get another job—my minimum monthly credit card payments have nearly doubled! Like, slap me with a cold fish, why don't you? Isn't that a fine how-do-you-do to a loyal shopaholic? Sorry to be a Cindy Cynic, but I think those of us who buy lots of stuff, including many things we don't need, are the unsung heroes that kept the wheels of prosperity rolling for so long, and we deserve to be treated accordingly! (If you're a commerce secretary, consider diverting some of that federal bailout money to 1567 Blossom Meadows Drive, Apartment 48B. Rick and I would only need a few hundred bucks a month for a few years—a relative bargain compared to what some broke investment bank needs!)

But as you Jeanketeers know, I always look on the bright side, and the silver lining here is that Rick isn't on the unemployment line. Actually, we Teasdales are really the lucky ones in all this. We rent, so we don't have some crazy subprime mortgage to pay off. We never got beyond high school, so we don't have enough education to have jobs in those various smart-person trades, which have undergone tons of layoffs, from what I hear. So you see, our lack of ambition really is an asset.

And, unlike a lot of people, we have something very crucial to fall back on in case things get even worse: our collectibles! Up until recently, I've always considered Rick's die-cast NASCAR miniatures and my doll collection our retirement fund. I still do, but now I realize our little golden nest egg could also come in quite handy for extra cash, should we need it. Sure, it would be hard to part with my Totally Hair Barbie doll, but after 15 years she has to be worth quite a lot now. After all, she was the most popular Barbie in history! (And my mom always likes to complain about all the "worthless crap" I collect!)

Anyhow, I'm willing to bite the bullet and take a job I might not be altogether happy with, at least until this economic depression thing blows over. After all, we all have to make sacrifices in life. Where I draw the line at, though, is doing naughty no-no things for money, so please don't ask. (I'm not addressing you, Jeanketeers, I mean that Dirty Dan who keeps sending me e-mails telling me he'd like to "quaff from [my] big dripping mug of melted butter.")

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