We're Sick And Tired Of Raising Your Young

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Vol 34 Issue 06

Saltless Pretzel Hangs Alone In Bulb-Heated Rack

ODESSA, TX–A saltless "Superpretzel" is still hanging alone in a bulb-heated rack at Horizon Lanes, officials for the Odessa-area bowling alley reported Tuesday. "Looks like there's just one left," said Mack Klausner, snack-bar manager for the 12-lane alley. "Guess nobody wants the one without salt." The oversized soft pretzel, priced at 99 cents, has been rotating in the glass-enclosed case since Sept. 2, when it was sprayed with water and dipped in salt along with 17 other pretzels. "All the salt fell off," Klausner said. "Maybe we should put some more on.

Subsidiary Publication Recommends You See Parent Corporation's Movie

NEW YORK–In its latest issue, People magazine, a Time Warner subsidiary publication, strongly urged readers to see Deadlock, a new Warner Bros. legal thriller starring Denzel Washington, Gene Hackman and Elisabeth Shue. "Our parent corporation has cooked up an edge-of-your-seat courtroom nail-biter that manages to out-Grisham Grisham," People's review read. "We are proud to be under the same umbrella conglomerate as this gripping roller-coaster ride of a movie." The issue, which features Washington on its cover, also contains reviews of six new albums from Time Warner subsidiary-label artists, including Better Than Ezra (Elektra) and Hootie & The Blowfish (Atlantic), as well as a profile of Katie Holmes, star of WB's Dawson's Creek.

Area Boyfriend Much Nicer Before Sex

SHREVEPORT, LA–Jordan Farmer, 22, boyfriend of Mindy Hodges, 20, is significantly nicer before sex, Hodges reported Monday. "Before we have sex, he's always really sweet to me, and he, like, tells me my hair looks nice and stuff. And if I'm upset about something, he listens and tells me that he loves me and that everything's going to be all right," Hodges said. "But then, afterwards, he stops listening to me, and he screams at me and says he's going to break up with me if I don't stop being so clingy and annoying." Hodges has vowed to make an effort to be less clingy and annoying.

Obese Man Impaled In Wicker-Chair Disaster

STAUNTON, VA–Coroners are listing "massive wicker trauma" as the official cause in Monday's death of 420-pound Staunton resident Tony Grushecky. "Forensic evidence indicates that the base of the chair in which Mr. Grushecky sat gave out at 5 p.m. Monday, with the collapse driving razor-sharp wicker spears upwards of two feet into his morbidly obese body," Augusta County Coroner Edward Reynoso told reporters. "In my 22 years as coroner here, I've never seen such a brutal wicker-chair impaling." Grushecky's enormous rolls of body fat were insufficient to protect him from the deadly spears, Reynoso said, and numerous vital organs were irreparably wickered.

Beanie Broker Urges Storkholders To Sell

NEW YORK–Anxious over wildly fluctuating conditions in the worldwide Beanie market, Manhattan-based Beanie broker Michelle Pivarnik is strongly urging U.S. storkholders to sell off holdings of "Storky The Stork" as soon as possible, it was reported Tuesday. "It is my opinion that Storky, which rose 40 cents on the Beanie Board Monday to close at $85 with the tags, has reached its peak value, and that a stork-market crash is all but imminent," Pivarnik said. "Beanie investors with a stork portfolio of five or more Storkys may want to consider keeping one in case of its unexpected retirement, but, by and large, Storky should be regarded as a high-risk Beanie to be avoided in future tradings." Pivarnik advised storkholders to redirect their assets into blue-chip Beanies like Tabasco The Red Bull, Baldy The Eagle and Inky The Octopus.

Princess Di One Year Later

Last week marked the first anniversary of the Paris car crash that claimed the life of Princess Diana. How do you feel one year after her tragic death?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

We're Sick And Tired Of Raising Your Young

Listen, humans, I am really starting to get tired of this crap. Get your shit together and learn to keep better track of your young, because we wolves are seriously sick of raising them.

I was roaming the forest the other day, just marking my territory, when what do I come across? That's right, a human infant. Boy, was I pissed. I'm sure the poor little waif was orphaned in a plane crash or something, and, of course, I was supposed to take it into my pack and raise it like one of our own. Well, screw that: We've got enough humans to raise already.

We wolves have our own offspring to rear, you know. It's not like we're just sitting around all day, waiting for another one of your little twerps to fall off a cruise ship. Do you think that after a hard day of hunting, I want to come back to the cave and look after some hairless, wormy thing that isn't even going to pass on my genetic information? Do I look like a fucking nanny?

If it were just a plane-crash survivor every now and again, I could deal with it. But when you figure in the whitewater-rafting disasters, the mountain-climbing accidents, and the attacking bears that kill the parents but spare the children, those orphaned infants really start to add up. I'm working my paws to the bone as it is.

And it wouldn't be nearly so bad if your babies weren't so helpless. Our pups are weaned and out of the den within nine weeks. A human child can't even walk until it reaches 15 months. Fifteen months! Talk about pathetic: By that age, our young are having kids of their own.

I'm sorry if I sound bitter, but I have to speak up, or the situation will only get worse. I'm the alpha female of a pretty good-sized pack, and it's hard enough finding, eating and regurgitating food for my own pups, much less a bunch of human children. I do my best to make ends meet, but your young are so picky it's next to impossible. They'll eat the partially digested berries I bring them, but they refuse to swallow the chipmunk meat I vomit into their mouths. If I injure a squirrel and put it in front of one of your young, the baby just lies there and wails at the top of its lungs for hours. Christ!

Then there's the problem of basic hygiene. Haven't you ever heard of licking yourself clean after you shit? How revolting. Our offspring instinctively know to wash themselves from the moment they're born. Then again, there are a lot of things our offspring instinctively know.

I know what you're thinking–we shouldn't drag your infants back to the den in the first place, if all we're going to do is bitch about it, right? After all, we could just send them out to start their own pack when winter approaches. To tell you the truth, we have driven a few of the more annoying ones out, but we always feel so guilty when we find their half-eaten carcasses a few days later. After the fifth or sixth time, it's hard to act like you didn't know it would happen.

Worst of all, in that rare instance when you do come to retrieve your missing kid, we don't get so much as a thank you. No, you just grab him and race back to "civilization" as fast as possible, so he can unlearn everything we taught him about marking his territory and stalking prey. No wonder wolves have been known occasionally to attack humans–you're a bunch of ungrateful bastards.

So the next time you lose one of your damn kids in the woods, you can forget about us raising it, because it ain't happening. Let the fucking elk do it.

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