adBlockCheck

We've Got Some Great News For Those Employees Who Hate Our 401(k) Matching Program

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

We've Got Some Great News For Those Employees Who Hate Our 401(k) Matching Program

Here at Lowell's Cleaning Services, our greatest asset is our employees. We're always striving to make our company stronger, and we try to be open to your ideas for improvements. For quite some time now, we've been hearing that many of you aren't happy with our retirement savings plan. That's why, beginning next week, we will heed the advice of those who absolutely could not stand our generous 401(k) matching program by permanently eliminating it.

At long last, you're welcome.

I know some of you have thought in the past that we in management were "out of touch," that we didn't always address your concerns. Many of you even believed you'd have no choice but to sit by week after week as Lowell's Cleaning Services Inc. matched, dollar for dollar, up to 8 percent of your salary, the money you put away for your future. Well, we listened, and that's all over now. For good.

When my late father founded Lowell's 57 years ago, he knew that to have the best cleaning company in the business, he'd need the best people in the business. So Dad started a program he thought his employees would love. He told them, "If you set aside a little bit of your money from each paycheck for your retirement, Lowell's is gonna match that with a contribution of its own." It sure seemed like a great idea then. But now we know that all those employees who despise getting free money from the company they work for their whole lives are right: Why throw all that cash into some account you won't even be able to touch until you have one foot in the grave anyway?

Those of you who bravely stood up and said, "Put this silly, unnecessary, and, frankly, insulting 401(k) matching program to rest!" made the choice so much easier. I'd like to personally thank each of you. Give yourselves a hand.

In retrospect, the whole matching-funds thing was just a horrible mistake from the get-go.

Just think: From now on, you can open your paycheck without wasting valuable time puzzling over all that fine print. One less number means one less hassle in your hectic schedule. Plus, it's sure to make payday a lot more fun, am I right?

Of course, the immediate cessation of matching funds does not preclude you from† continuing to participate in your own retirement plan. Far from it. For a small fee, Lowell's will continue to administer your investments to make sure you have the opportunity to put your earnings in a place where we tell you it is safely accruing interest.

But those who hated the matching funds aren't the only ones we heard from. As for all of you who hate our dental plan, guess what? It's gone! No more annoying checkups where you have to fumble around in your wallet for the card that says your visit is all paid for, and no more filling out all those endless forms. Red form! Blue form! Yellow form! Who can be bothered to know what form is what color in this day and age? I say, Get rid of the insurance and all the forms that go along with it.

My employees deserve nothing less.

You're going to like some of the other changes you'll be seeing around here in the coming days and weeks, too. I know a lot of you have been feeling unmotivated—it happens to the best of us—but we have just the cure. A sure-fire incentive to work harder: tighter deadlines! Yes, now you'll have 15 fewer minutes to clean each office, allowing you the satisfaction of going above and beyond each and every day.

Together, we can achieve great things.

Lastly, I know there's been some grousing and grumbling about how cramped and crowded our workplace has been of late, and I'm pleased to inform you we have a plan to take care of that problem, too. I don't want to give too much away right now, but let's just say that soon Lowell's Cleaning will be a little bit lighter, a little bit tighter, and a lot leaner and meaner!

Make no mistake, I believe our new, streamlined company will be strong enough to weather any storm that heads our way. Let's just never forget what we are, first and foremost: a people company.

Now get out there and clean up after other people's messes.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close