What Am I Going To Do With All These Dog Uteruses?

Top Headlines


Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 15, 2015

ARIES: Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the time, but as the years go by, society will gain sensitivity and learn to outgrow that sort of thing.

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 18, 2015

ARIES: Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.

Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’

Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:

Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.

How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Comic-Con Survival Guide

San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Election 2016


Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

What Am I Going To Do With All These Dog Uteruses?

Anyone who enjoyed my historic 35-year run as host of The Price Is Right knows there's no cause I feel more strongly about than the crisis of animal overpopulation. That's why I made sure to close every show by reminding viewers to have their pets spayed or neutered, and why I took that correspondence course on in-home animal surgery. But after four decades of personally removing as many dog uteruses as I could get my hands on, they're really starting to pile up.

I've got dog uteruses everywhere.

In the living room, dog uteruses. In the attic, dog uteruses. In the drawers of my night table, dog uteruses. In the vegetable crisper, dog uteruses. My study is so packed with dog uteruses, I can't even get in there to spay dogs anymore. Where am I supposed to store all of these things?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about the work of spaying these dogs myself, or even the smell of decomposing canine reproductive systems, which I've come to accept and, to some degree, even enjoy. It's really just the issue of space. I tried lofting my bed to make more room for them, I ordered some of those space-age vacuum-sealed storage bags and stuffed them full to bursting—heck, I even used a few dozen to edge my garden. I used to be proud of my house, but now it seems like everywhere you look, there's a giant pile of dog uteruses.

I honestly don't even know how I've accumulated so many dog uteruses so fast. I guess it's like any other hobby: You start making model airplanes, then you have to build a special shelf to store them, then they start filling a bookcase, and before you know it, you've got a bloody, sopping-wet heap of dog uteruses in the trunk of your car.

What's really sad is that I've gotten so used to these dog uteruses that they just seem like part of the decor at this point. Just the other day, I caught myself setting the mail down on the waist-high stack of dog uteruses in my foyer. Last week, I had guests over, and when one of them asked where the bathroom was, I told her to "go down the hall, take a right at the third mound of discarded dog uteruses, and it's the second door on your left."

That's when you know you've got too many dog uteruses.

Before I left The Price Is Right, I tried to warn the new boy they've got hosting the show about all of this. On my last day, I handed him the skinny microphone, looked him square in the eye, and said, "Pretty soon, your whole basement is going to be swimming with dog uteruses." He just looked at me like he didn't know what I was talking about, but he'll learn soon enough.

Gee, I wonder how many dog uteruses I have at this point. Let's see, five dog hysterectomies a day, plus 20 on the weekends, times 52 weeks a year, times 37 years. That's what…90,000 dog uteruses? Wow, 90,000 dog uteruses. That's a lot. And that's not even counting all the cat uteruses.

At the risk of sounding ungrateful, I'd like to be able to use my dining room again. But I can't. It's packed floor to ceiling with German shepherd wombs. I can't even get a vacuum in there anymore, much less hold a dinner party. I'm not saying it's not worth it. When I think of how many poor pets I've saved from living the life of a stray—well, the growing pile of beagle testicles under my laundry chute just doesn't seem so big anymore. Although, when you consider that there's about 600 testes in that pile, I guess it is rather big after all.

And it's not like it's going to get any less cramped in here, especially now that I'm retired and I can really focus on castrating animals all day and all night. Pretty soon I'm going to have to get a bigger house to fit all these dog uteruses.

I only wish Rod Roddy, bless his soul, were still alive. He was always good to take a couple tubs of these things off my hands.