How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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What Am I Going To Do With All These Dog Uteruses?

Anyone who enjoyed my historic 35-year run as host of The Price Is Right knows there's no cause I feel more strongly about than the crisis of animal overpopulation. That's why I made sure to close every show by reminding viewers to have their pets spayed or neutered, and why I took that correspondence course on in-home animal surgery. But after four decades of personally removing as many dog uteruses as I could get my hands on, they're really starting to pile up.

I've got dog uteruses everywhere.

In the living room, dog uteruses. In the attic, dog uteruses. In the drawers of my night table, dog uteruses. In the vegetable crisper, dog uteruses. My study is so packed with dog uteruses, I can't even get in there to spay dogs anymore. Where am I supposed to store all of these things?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about the work of spaying these dogs myself, or even the smell of decomposing canine reproductive systems, which I've come to accept and, to some degree, even enjoy. It's really just the issue of space. I tried lofting my bed to make more room for them, I ordered some of those space-age vacuum-sealed storage bags and stuffed them full to bursting—heck, I even used a few dozen to edge my garden. I used to be proud of my house, but now it seems like everywhere you look, there's a giant pile of dog uteruses.

I honestly don't even know how I've accumulated so many dog uteruses so fast. I guess it's like any other hobby: You start making model airplanes, then you have to build a special shelf to store them, then they start filling a bookcase, and before you know it, you've got a bloody, sopping-wet heap of dog uteruses in the trunk of your car.

What's really sad is that I've gotten so used to these dog uteruses that they just seem like part of the decor at this point. Just the other day, I caught myself setting the mail down on the waist-high stack of dog uteruses in my foyer. Last week, I had guests over, and when one of them asked where the bathroom was, I told her to "go down the hall, take a right at the third mound of discarded dog uteruses, and it's the second door on your left."

That's when you know you've got too many dog uteruses.

Before I left The Price Is Right, I tried to warn the new boy they've got hosting the show about all of this. On my last day, I handed him the skinny microphone, looked him square in the eye, and said, "Pretty soon, your whole basement is going to be swimming with dog uteruses." He just looked at me like he didn't know what I was talking about, but he'll learn soon enough.

Gee, I wonder how many dog uteruses I have at this point. Let's see, five dog hysterectomies a day, plus 20 on the weekends, times 52 weeks a year, times 37 years. That's what…90,000 dog uteruses? Wow, 90,000 dog uteruses. That's a lot. And that's not even counting all the cat uteruses.

At the risk of sounding ungrateful, I'd like to be able to use my dining room again. But I can't. It's packed floor to ceiling with German shepherd wombs. I can't even get a vacuum in there anymore, much less hold a dinner party. I'm not saying it's not worth it. When I think of how many poor pets I've saved from living the life of a stray—well, the growing pile of beagle testicles under my laundry chute just doesn't seem so big anymore. Although, when you consider that there's about 600 testes in that pile, I guess it is rather big after all.

And it's not like it's going to get any less cramped in here, especially now that I'm retired and I can really focus on castrating animals all day and all night. Pretty soon I'm going to have to get a bigger house to fit all these dog uteruses.

I only wish Rod Roddy, bless his soul, were still alive. He was always good to take a couple tubs of these things off my hands.

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