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What I Did During My Vacation

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

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What I Did During My Vacation

July is the cruelest month for T. Herman Zweibel. My regular summer sabbatical usually falls during that month, and I find my-self as idle as a grass-hopper. Great blocks of ice have to be placed in my bed-chamber so my skin doesn't melt away in the oppressive heat. You see, most of my skin dropped off about 30 years ago, and was replaced with wax. It's true: I hired artisans from Madame Tussaud's to mold me the most robust Greco-Roman physique you could imagine. Sadly, mere weeks later, my wheel-chair was placed too close to a floor heating-vent, and in no time my beautiful body had liquefied into a great sticky pool. My servants patched me up as best they could, but to this day I look like a skeleton onto which some-one indiscriminately flung a combination of porridge and bird-shit.

To take my mind off my idleness, I lay on my death-bed and had Nurse Pin-head read to me. We got through most of The Wonderful Wizard Of Oz, but I bade her to stop reading when the Wizard was revealed to be a mere hum-bug. The admission of false pretense by a here-to-fore omnipotent entity was disturbing, to say the least, and the story had no choice but to conclude with the up-rising of the Oz citizenry against the disgraced Wizard, with Oz it-self awash in oceans of spilled Munchkin blood. Finding such a resolution devoid of any entertainment value, I had Pin-head read me my favorite slaughter-house passages in The Jungle instead. Yet even that failed to soothe me.

Bored of reading, I gazed upon the fields beyond my estate with my amplified-sight glasses. I saw my moronic blue-blood neighbors, the Baintons, stupidly whacking balls around their lawn with mallets and bleating away in their reedy sopranos. I'm pretty sure Mr. and Mrs. Bainton are brother and sister, but how I envy their in-bred ways! Their hare-brains must spare them a great deal of the anguish that constantly afflicts self-made titans like me.

Whilst training my glasses upon the distant vistas, I grew rather hungry. Doc McGillicuddy frowns upon my occasional eating habit, but some-times I get an intense craving for some unflavored gelatin or a pilot cracker. I'd have summoned Standish to bring some up from the larder, but he was off that day, so I decided to reward my-self with that lead-paint chip I'd found on the window-sill and had been secreting in my bed-clothes for weeks. It tasted better than I had even imagined, but I was sorry when it was all gone.

And that is what I did during my summer vacation.

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