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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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What In The Heck's A Barack Obama?

Just the other day, I was watching the TV, and I'll be damned if everyone didn't start talking 'bout this new thing called a "Barack Obama." Seems to be the hottest trend right now, and you can't go nowhere without hearin' some mention of it. Barack Obama this, Barack Obama that. Well, that's all well and good, but I still got one question: What in the heck is it?

"Barack Obama." Boy, now if that ain't the craziest thing I ever heard of. Sounds like one of them exercise machines you gotta order off TV. Or maybe it's some sort of reality show, or one of them fancy new diets for ladies. "Barack Obama." Huh. Musta come over from Japan or Tokyo or somewhere's around there.

Whatever it is, it ain't from 'round these parts, that's for sure.

Now you shoulda seen the look on my neighbor's face when I asked him if he knew what it was. He said I must be goin' crazy, cuz he ain't never heard of a Barack Obama in all his life. But I told him sure enough they got 'em now. Hear they're pretty popular up north, too. "Barack Obama." Such a silly thing to call something, ain't it? Probably one of those things everyone gets themselves all excited 'bout, and then it never even comes to nothin'.

Apparently all the kids want one. I reckon it's one of them new toys they always bring out this time-a year.

"Barack Obama." Sounds expensive. Never seen one in the Wal-Mart, anyhow. You know, come to think of it, I bet it's somethin' for the computer. Everything's for computers nowadays. Could be one of them new-fangled electronic gadgets, too, I s'pose. Something you watch the videos on. But I already got me a TV set, so unless this Barack Obama thing does something useful like whack weeds, I think I'll pass.

More'n likely, it's one of them things where you buy the Barack Obama, and then you gotta buy a bunch of other things just to make it work. That's how they get ya.

Shoot, better not tell the wife about it, or sure enough, she'll want one. And I'll bet you she'll use it once and then put it right back in the box and never use it again. Then I'll have a brand-new Barack Obama down the basement, sittin' there gathering dust right next to that fancy expresso machine she needed so bad and the kids' Furbies

Or maybe that's it. Maybe it's one of them "novelty" doodads they got now, you know, the humorous things, like the Billy Bass fish I got hangin' up on the wall in the garage. Billy Bass, that thing is crazy. Actually, I wouldn't mind if this Barack Obama thing was some sort of Billy Bass. I gotta hand it to him, that fish is funny. It's funny when he sings.

Now, I try to stay up on top of all these new fads and all—after all, you got to when you got kids—but this Barack Obama thing makes no kind of sense. Really makes ya scratch yer head and wonder, don't it? Where did this thing come from? What does it do? You know what, I think it may be one of them twirlin' stoves that helps you roast a chicken.

Well, sir, thanks but no thanks. I won't be needin' a Barack Obama anytime soon. My oven works just fine.

Frankly, I don't know why everyone's working themselves into such a tizzy over some silly new fad when we've got much bigger problems on our plates. The environment ain't doin' so hot, it seems, and I'll be damned if the handlin' of issues like the senseless war in Iraq and the treatment-a homosexuals in this nation ain't a downright shame. Instead of inventing up silly stuff like Barack Obamas, why don't they make a product that fixes the economy?

Now that's somethin' I'd be interested in. That or if it's a waffle maker.

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