adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

What Kind Of Sick Fuck Would Put A Hook In A Juicy Squid Where A Fish Could Easily Eat It?

I've been swimming for quite some time now, and I gotta tell you, I've seen a lot of shit in my day. I've seen orcas eat defenseless cod, jellyfish prey on plankton, and powerless krill get devoured by whales 20,000 times their size. Sometimes it seems like an unfair world, but in the end, it makes sense. There's a natural order to things. There's balance. So you can imagine how shocked and disturbed I was last week when I bit into what I thought was a nice, succulent squid only to have half my mouth ripped off by a giant fucking metal hook.

Yeah, that's right. At this time last Thursday, I had a 5-inch barbed hook going directly through my face and pectoral fin. Straight fucking through—no joke. I'm not making this up. This actually happened to me.

So, obviously, that leaves just one question: How batshit insane do you have to be to put a hook inside a squid and then place that squid in an area where there are tons of yellowfin tuna who might try and bite it? I could have been killed, for Christ's sake! My mouth still feels like it's on fire, and I'm scared as shit to go after any squid again.

Oh, and by the way, we're not talking about some dinky little plastic hook or a hanger or anything like that. We're talking about a sharp fucking hook with this weird, messed-up triangular metal point thing at the end that made it nearly impossible to get out. I had to contort my face in positions I never knew existed to get unhooked from that thing.

Now, while I would like to imagine this was all an accident, I can't help but think that some sick fuck was sitting around one day and decided to go on a yellowfin-tuna torture spree. And worse yet, my hunch is that this grade-A psychopath is still out there somewhere, because when I got free, the squid was pulled away by a chain. He could be out there right now trying to fuck up another tuna like me. If not today, then maybe tomorrow or next week; you just don't know when you're dealing with this degree of psychopathy.

What did I do to deserve this? When have I ever put a hook into someone else's food supply? Never, because I believe there is an unwritten social contract that governs how we treat one another and that precludes tricking someone into eating a sharp metal hook that can rip their goddamn cheeks out.

Also, I'm not some sadistic, mentally disturbed fuckface.

Look, I eat a lot of squid. I love them. Along with anchovies, sardines, various crustaceans, and mackerel, squid is one of my favorite types of food. Easily. So when I see one, I go after it. I've grown accustomed to a certain squid-eating lifestyle, but now that's something I'll always have to question. I mean, come on. Hooks in squid? Life is stressful enough, what with worrying about being eaten by a mako shark every goddamn day, and now I have to worry about hooks in my food?

But here's the thing that really pisses me off: I think it was all premeditated. Not just some act of stupidity or ignorance. Premeditated. Planned in advance.

I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out. The placement of the squid was perfect. It was as if whatever whack job did this somehow understood that yellowfin tuna like swimming in the mid-afternoon and prefer low-lit environments. And by putting the hook above the squid's siphon and mantle and into its fins, this crazy fuck actually made it look like the squid was swimming freely, unattached to anything at all.

Perhaps most chilling, the squid was alive. Now, if I were a complete fucking sociopath and I wanted to trick a yellowfin tuna into ripping its face off, the best way to do it would be to lure it in with a live squid. It's like he knew we think dead squid tastes like shit.

That reminds me, I really love live squid. My God, is it delicious. I can't even describe how good it is. The fresh slime, those juicy succulent tentacles. Just the thought of biting into a squid's moist stomach makes me hungry. I would do anything for a live squid right about now. Yup, a mid-afternoon live squid snack would sure hit the spot.

Oh, look! A squid just appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, right in front of that net-type object! Mmm, mmm, that looks good! I'm gonna go get some.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close