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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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What Our Republic Needs Is A Merry Jig

Booooooooo! 'Tis I, Herman Ulysses Zweibel, long-dead founder of The Onion, or, as it was more eloquently known in my day, The Mercantile-Onion. Boooooooo!

Faithful readers of this space know that it is ordinarily occupied by my half-witted son, T. Herman, who dispenses his usual worth-less opinions without ever remotely approaching the heart of the matter. He believes the Republic is in grave peril because people refuse to work an honest day and mind their betters. But there is a far deeper reason. The Republic is in grave peril because of the terrible absence of a merry jig or horn-pipe to which to dance and frolic!

My reasoning is simple: If there are no jolly tunes, the masses will grow discontented and choleric, and leave their ploughs and looms to agitate in the streets. In no time, the mill-owner, the parson and the mayor will find them-selves being disemboweled, and mind-less rebellion will be the order of the day!

In my day, there were as many merry jigs as there were grains of wheat, and each one was a joy! How Mother Zweibel and I used to spend many evenings capering and gamboling to the fiddle and the spinet! In fact, one of the most popular songs of the 1830s was my very own "Zweibel Reel," which went like this:

O, the cows low in the meadow
Mike Fink's aboard his keel
Darky take up your banjo
Sing hey for the Zweibel Reel!


[Chorus:] O, the merry, merry, merry, merry
Merry Zweibel Reel!
Raise a cup of hard cider
For the sake of the Zweibel Reel!


Young men shall go a-courtin'
Mercantile-Onion in hand
Fathers untie your daughters
And rollick to the lively band!

[Reprise Chorus]

I defy any-one to say that their heart is not now a thousand-fold lighter. O, that I were no longer a mere wraith! Would that I could shed this confining shroud of ectoplasm and bob and spin about like a care-free sprite!

More from this section

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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