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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.
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What The Hell Am I Supposed To Do With All These Constitutional Rights?

Too much of one thing can cause a person a lot of stress, and you know what's stressing me out? All these rights guaranteed to me by the U.S. Constitution. There's like—how many—a couple dozen? And they keep adding more! Isn't that a bit much? I'm just a simple man who likes simple things, and I can tell you right now, there's just no way I'm ever gonna need all those constitutional rights.

Did anyone even ask me if I wanted all these rights? No, they did not. And, to be honest, I'm a little chafed about it. It's hard enough keeping up with the bills in my mailbox without some huge Bill of Rights hanging over my head. People are always talking about rights, or protecting them, or trying to get me to exercise them. Enough already!

God, I feel like I'm being suffocated by personal liberties.

I've got rights coming out my ass. Seriously, have you looked at the Constitution lately? It's like a giant to-do list of all these annoying, super-specific rights we're all "entitled" to. And right there at the top is the right to free speech. Great, so now I got to think of something to say? Thanks but no thanks. When I want to say something, I'll let you know. I don't need a right to tell me.

Take the right to bear arms. Yes, there are times when you need a gun, but most of the time you don't. So why go to all the trouble of writing it down and making everyone sign it? Just so I know how many people I'm disappointing when I don't use it? I don't even like guns, but sure enough, I've got three of them, right there in my closet. Where I've been granted the right to keep them.

And another thing, there are way, way too many amendments. They've got so many, they've started protecting me from stuff I might actually like. Like quartering soldiers. Are you kidding me? I can't quarter a soldier? Who doesn't like a houseguest? I've got an extra bed, and my motto is "Mi casa es su casa." Just bring a six-pack and we'll make spaghetti.

Another one that could go is the protection from search and seizure. First off, I got nothing to hide. I know I'm innocent, so you aren't going to find any evidence against me unless you plant it. Second, I don't need someone to protect my stuff. If you start messing with my property, I'll call the police. Plain and simple. Then won't you look stupid.

Right to a speedy trial, right to petition, freedom of religion—on, and on, and on it goes. I'm over 40 now, so there are probably some in there I'm never even going to use. Look at me. Do I really need the right to assemble? I can barely get my ass off the couch to go out to breakfast with my friend Jerry once a week. And Lord knows Jerry isn't going to use his right to assemble anytime soon. He still lives with his mom.

So there's two rights to assemble going to waste already, and I'm supposed to feel all guilty about it.

It would be a lot easier just to split them up, and give some of the people some of the rights and other people other rights. That way they all get used, and nobody's left with a bunch of unused rights, looking like a total idiot. Or maybe we could just have one per-sonal freedom per day. That way you could express your freedom of religion on Monday, and on Tuesday you could move on to your protection from self-incrimination, and so on. At least that would be manageable.

Look, all I really want to do is live my life and pursue a little bit of happiness, but it's almost impossible with all these rights gumming up the works. Why not get rid of the useless ones and replace them with some new rights we can actually do something with? Like the right not to get a million text messages from your insane ex-girlfriend, or the right to a clean bathroom at the gas station, or free Netflix for everyone.

You know, something all Americans can agree on.

More from this section

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

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