What The Hell Did I Cram In My Anus Last Night?

Top Headlines

Recent News

How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.


What The Hell Did I Cram In My Anus Last Night?

Oooooh. Gahhh. I'm really paying for it this time.

I tell you, I've got to start being more careful. I'm not getting any younger.

I don't even remember: What exactly did I cram in my anus last night? It feels like I drove a Mack truck through there. Thank God for Bufferin.

I've never really thought of myself as a big-time anal crammer, or the kind of guy who can out-cram everyone else at a party. I'll usually stuff, you know, a couple of travel-size shampoos and maybe a harmonica in there, just to be social. And sure, on New Year's Eve or some special occasion, I might loosen up and put in a can of soup or some Beanie Babies. But I'm hardly a brass-colon daredevil like that guy in the Guinness book who crammed a washing machine.

Boy, I hope I can remember what I stuffed up there last night. I'm sure it'll make a great story on Monday. I'm pretty sure it was squarish in shape: There are eight distinct pain points that feel equidistant from each other. But what would cause that? A Rubik's Cube? A stack of 10 or so CDs? An alarm clock? I just don't know.

Obviously, heading into the evening, I didn't plan to cram anything terribly big up my ass. But who ever does? It's always the same, you know: You go to a party, they put out some cheese, a few fruit wedges–no problem. But then somebody hands you a broomstick, and you think, "Oh, what the hey!" Next thing you know, you're waking up the next morning wondering if you'll ever shit straight again.

Oh, sure, back in college, I could cram with the big boys. I was a fraternity man; how could I not? I remember this one mixer with the Tri-Delts. I crammed five bottles of Coors and won $80. The only reason I won, though, was that Big Rooney wasn't there that night. Whoa, that guy could cram things in his anus! I once saw him shove 16 pool balls in his ass and completely close his sphincter around them. He was a monster! Today, he's a broker for Schwab Insurance, the last thing any of us would have guessed, believe me.

Anyway, my point is, those days are far behind me. Nowadays, I'm lucky to get the collected works of T.S. Eliot up there–softbound!

I should note that I don't actually endorse this kind of behavior. I'm just telling you what goes on. I'm also trying not to be unrealistic. I realize that as long as there are anuses, there will be people cramming things up them. But I want to urge everyone reading this, especially young people, that if you're going to cram stuff up your anus, please do it responsibly.

Could it have been one of those Chinese tea tins? This is gonna drive me crazy. I hope I can figure it out without having to go around the house seeing what's missing.

I think last night will have to be my last great hurrah as an anal crammer. Next time someone offers me a Hickory Farms Deluxe Gift Basket, I'll just say no. Or if I do decide to do it, I'll be sure to slowly cram it one item at a time. After all, you can't help growing old, but you can do it gracefully, right? From now on, I'm setting some limits to my cramming, like a videocassette or two once a month and maybe a raccoon on my birthday. And, of course, the usual cup of spiced tea on Christmas morning with the rest of the family.

But definitely no more ironing boards. I'm pushing 35, for God's sake.