What The Hell Is Wrong With Movies These Days?

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Vol 38 Issue 23

Golf Tips

Warm weather is here, and it's time to hit the links. Here are some tips to help you improve your game:

Lottery Loser Angry At Lottery Winner

HARRISBURG, PA—Winona Culvert, a loser in Monday's $113 million Pennsylvania Lottery, expressed anger at Mechanicsburg electrician Clint Furlow, who took home the jackpot after buying a single ticket on a whim. "Who the hell does that asshole think he is?" said Culvert upon seeing the news report of Furlow's victory. "I bought 40 tickets." Culvert added that she needs the prize money far more than Furlow, as she has been on public assistance for the past two years.

U.S. Middlemen Demand Protection From Being Cut Out

WASHINGTON, DC—Some 20,000 members of the Association of American Middlemen marched on the National Mall Monday, demanding protection from such out-cutting shopping options as online purchasing, factory-direct catalogs, and outlet malls. "Each year in this country, thousands of hard-working middlemen are cut out," said Pete Hume, a Euclid, OH, waterbed retailer. "No one seems to care that our livelihood is being taken away from us." Hume said the AAM is eager to work with legislators to find alternate means of passing the savings on to you.

Sympathy Card Signed By Assistant

KANSAS CITY, MO—A sympathy card from Walters Realty president Bob Merritt to the wife of recently deceased realtor Jim Nolfo was chosen, signed, and mailed by Merritt's personal assistant Monday. "Please know that you are in my thoughts during this difficult time," the assistant wrote on Merritt's behalf. Merritt, who did not see the card at any time during the three hours it spent in the Walters Realty office, did not add, "Let me know if I can help in any way."

Area Man Thinking About Getting One Of Those All-Body Scans

AUGUSTA, GA—Impressed by the technology, Dan Cirillo is thinking about getting an all-body imaging scan, the 45-year-old Augusta man revealed Monday. "Wow, that looks pretty cool," said Cirillo, who saw the device on CBS' 48 Hours. "I'd love to get one of those." Cirillo then wondered aloud whether he could get a scan and a similarly cool watertank-immersion body-fat measurement on the same day.

You Must Romance The Music Out Of The Tambourine

My lord, what are you doing? Your crude handling of that beautiful instrument borders on the obscene! You cannot carelessly strike a tambourine and expect it to sing its beautiful song. You must coax it out of her. You must romance the music out of the tambourine.

CEO Resignations

Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski is the latest in a string of corporate chiefs to step down amid scandal allegations.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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What The Hell Is Wrong With Movies These Days?

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a while since I rapped at ya, but I've had a mountain of problems piled up to my chin. First off, my car is all fucked up. I don't even know why. All I know is, it usually quits running after about 20 minutes, and I have to let it cool down for at least an hour before I can get it going again. That thing is a baby, and not in the good way. You know, not like, "That's my baby," but more like, "Quit your crying, ya fuckin' baby!"

Also, I'm totally pissed about my job working coat check at the museum. Well, pissed is the wrong word. More like bored out of my mind. Most days, I only work with these three other people, and I got nothing to talk to them about. For one thing, they don't know nothing about great rock 'n' roll. Two of them are chicks, and all they listen to is Sarah McLachlan and Sheryl Crow and crap like that. The dude's even worse, 'cause you'd expect more from a dude. He listens to Jay-Z and Eminem. Rap is crap! Man, he doesn't even know who Thin Lizzy is! Plus, they're all totally snobs, and they'll barely talk to me, or even laugh if I make a joke. I'm sick of being there. I'm just waiting a few more weeks so I can pile up enough cash to quit.

Usually, the thing that gets me through tough times like these is the movies. No matter how bad things are, with a movie, I can kick back for a couple of hours and just mellow out. And the best flicks are always in the summer. Last year, The Fast And The Furious really kicked my ass. It was full of suspense and cars. Then there was Pearl Harbor, which had a stupid love plot but made up for it with loads of explosions. The Mummy Returns was just awesome, with The Rock and all. Planet Of The Apes ruled, too. Last summer, it seemed like I couldn't see a bad movie, no matter how hard I tried.

Then there's this year. What the hell is going on? About A Boy? Windtalkers? Unfaithful? Spirit: Stallion Of The Cimarron? Someone in Hollywood ain't paying attention to what America wants.

I started off the season with what should have been a bang: Jason X. Man, that was a shitpile. And I love the Jason movies. They had to send him into space to be scary, which is something I totally don't buy. That is so lame. Sure, sending the bad guy into space is a great idea... six years ago! Everyone knows they totally ripped off Hellraiser 4 and Leprechaun 5 for that idea. Sending Jason into space. What a rip!

Then there's this Ya-Ya Sisterhood thing. I was totally suckered into seeing it, because I saw an ad that had Ashley Judd in her bra, and the movie has "ya-ya"s in the title. I figured it'd be like Porky's for the next generation. I had some money and some time, so I called up Ron and Wes. Ron, good man that he is, came out to support me, and Wes, lucky son of a bitch that he is, wasn't home when I called.

We got to the theater, and Ron sneaked in while I paid. When it came time to put up for the popcorn and soda, Ron had gone to the shitter, and I had to front the whole $11. Things got a lot worse when the movie started. It was the most boring two hours I'd ever spent in a theater, nothing but these wrinkled old bags in Indian hats hugging each other and crying. And there wasn't a single tit throughout the entire movie—which probably was a good thing, 'cause I wouldn't have wanted to see most of those racks, anyway. Ron slept through half of it, which pissed me off even worse.

Ya-Ya Sisterhood was such a rip that I made Ron sneak into another movie with me. At first, we were psyched, since it was Scooby Doo. We figured it would be hilarious. Maybe I just didn't get it, but I didn't see any jokes. At least, I don't remember any. Shaggy looked okay, and Daphne was pretty hot, but that damn dog didn't look anything like Scooby from the cartoon, and it looked totally fake. Even though I didn't pay for the second movie, I felt twice as ripped off, 'cause this time, they didn't take my money. They took my time.

I saw the new Star Wars movie, and even that blew. I mean, yeah, there were some great space scenes, and you get to watch Yoda fight with a light saber, but as soon as the weed wore off, the whole thing just dragged. The love story was totally sappy, and there were all these long, boring scenes where these space senators were going on and on about trade-federation rules and shit. It was like watching C-SPAN on some other planet. I'll probably go see it again, just like I do with all the Star Wars movies, but this time I'm going in twice as baked.

The one good thing is Spider-Man. That movie kicked ass, no two ways around it. And it had a preview of The Hulk, which I'm stoked for, too. There were a few other previews that also looked okay. There's XXX, the porno with the guy from Fast And The Furious. And the Crocodile Hunter movie, which should have a whole bunch of cool stuff you can't see on the TV show, like him getting his arm ripped off by gorillas or whatever. So that should be pretty good. There was also a lot of other crap, but ya gotta expect some of that. After all, my friends, life is all about taking the good with the bad.

If those don't pan out, I think I'm just going to hole up in my house and rent a ton of videos. That way, I get my choice of tons of good movies, I don't have to spend $5 on a Coke, and I don't have to sneak off to the john to smoke a bowl. I just gotta get a bigger TV. And a surround-sound system. Man, that'll be sweet.

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