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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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What This Town Needs Is A Child In A Well

It seems like every house in this town has a fence, every door a lock. Our next-door neighbors have become strangers. We've lost touch with our friends. Our community's streets are safer than ever, but its residents have become isolated. We desperately need something to strengthen the common bonds that have weakened over time. If you ask me, what this town needs is a child in a well.

Yes, a child trapped 50 feet underground would do wonders for Greenwood. It could be a private well, but for logistical reasons, it'd be better if it were a public one. In a perfect world, the child would fall into the well smack-dab in the center of the town square. If that happened, I'll bet you anything we could shrug off decades of simmering resentment, distrust, and alienation way before the little shaver was back in his bed.

The feeble, intermittent moans of that poor child trapped beneath the earth would do wonders for folks up above. Townsfolk would exchange silent, concerned looks in the grocery store. Citizens would invite mail carriers into their living rooms for tea. No one would eat alone at Nora's Diner anymore—all because of one innocent child lodged inside a deep abandoned well. It should definitely be a dry well. The boy will have to suffer, of course, but if he were to drown on Day One, the whole rescue-bonding thing would be shot to hell.

Can you imagine? People will say "I just hope he's okay." They won't even have to say whom. Our minds will be so in sync, they'll automatically conjure up images of a helpless, whimpering little boy trapped in the darkness below, day after day. Hopefully, at least eight days. Maybe as many as 10 if we lower him some sandwiches. As the days stretch on, his pain will be our pain—Greenwood's.

I do want it to be a boy in our well. A girl just wouldn't do. Sure, it would be tragic to know that a dishwater-blonde angel was trapped down inside the cold ground, but I can feel it in my bones: A boy is what Greenwood needs to get out of this slump.

That little Timmy Evans would do splendidly.

It's important to pick the right boy. Timmy is young enough to be cute, but old enough to comprehend danger. And with that flaxen hair and those skinny little arms, he inspires sympathy even before any tragedy has befallen him. Another option would be young Danny Williams. Of course, at 9, Danny is no spring chicken, as far as well-trapped kids go. Still, I believe he could do in a pinch. We definitely don't want that good-for-nothing Max Bartleby. Everyone would just sit at home secretly thinking, "I hope the brat dies." That would be even worse than if nobody fell down the well.

Whoever the boy ultimately is, he should handle the situation with class. His bravery should impress us. He shouldn't whine or cry wantonly. He should make the adults of the town wonder whether they would be so fearless in similar circumstances. The child who gets lodged in our town well should be heroic.

We'd keep the tragedy to ourselves for a couple days, but after the second or third day, the story could go national. Just imagine the headlines! USA Today: "Small Town Rallies Around Third-Grader Stuck In Well." Chicago Sun-Times: "Greenwood Danny Soldiers On." The copy writes itself. If we could drop a camera down there to snap a photo, it might even go global. It definitely would if the photo managed to capture the terror in the child's eyes.

Do you think they could get a microphone down there? Imagine his thin little voice: "I'll be okay, Mommy. Don't worry." Then you'd cut to a shot of his mother. She'd be on the verge of hysterics even before the boy got to say, "I can't feel my legs no more." Now is not the time to discuss merchandising opportunities, but these well stories make great movies.

But, like I said, now is not the time. Above all, this is about reviving our cherished sense of community.

Of course, the child would have to survive. It's good to end these sorts of heart-wrenching, dramatic events with a message of hope and inspiration. The people of Greenwood do not need a corpse. That's just depressing. A whole town comes together, puts aside its differences, invites the mailman in for tea, and then the boy dies? Nope, the boy must live.

That said, we don't want him totally out of danger. No. Greenwood needs to hear the experts talking about gangrene and hypothermia. We need to start imagining the little tyke in tattered rags, deep circles under his eyes, limbs blue. Greenwood needs a crisis with a dirty, tear-stained face. And I truly believe that, if we apply our strong Greenwood work ethic and a little bit of ingenuity, we can make it happen.

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