adBlockCheck

Entertainment

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
End Of Section
  • More News

Entertainment

When Are They Going To Finish The Arthur Trilogy?

Where were you on July 17, 1981?

Like most Americans, I was standing in line for the premiere of the most awaited film event of the century: Arthur. Dudley Moore had just wowed the critics with his turn in the hit 10, and there was much speculation that this would be an even bigger hit. What an understatement!

Nobody, not even the studio that released Arthur, could've imagined the impact it would have on the world. It was just a simple love story about a drunk millionaire who falls for a poor girl and must choose between following his fortune or his heart. But, oh, the power of that story! Dudley Moore, Liza Minnelli and Sir John Gielgud became household names. Christopher Cross' theme song went platinum. And, of course, millions of people imitated Arthur every day by getting blitzed.

And where was I during all this hubbub? Why, waiting in line to see Arthur again, of course! I saw Arthur a grand total of 218 times in the theater and 735 times on video, and I read the novelization 416 times before the cover fell off and the binding turned to dust. I went to the Arthur conventions, dressed like Arthur for Halloween, and wrote a manual that includes schematics of all the rooms in Arthur's mansion. (Attention publishers: The book still hasn't been optioned. Hint! Hint!) I even started my own fan club, King Arthur's Court. Our peak membership was seven Arthurians, but three of them have since died of liver cancer.

Yes, I'm quite proud to say that Arthur has been the guiding force in my life. Though I'm not much of a drinker, I gleaned as much from the film as possible and applied it to my daily life. I hired an acid-tongued butler named Hobson. I started shoplifting like Liza Minnelli's character, Linda. I even wore a top hat in the bathtub!

Imagine my joy in 1988 when the long-awaited sequel, Arthur 2: On The Rocks, finally arrived. At long last, I could see more adventures of my favorite characters. There they were, Arthur and Linda, on screen together again, and they were married! Imagine my surprise when I learned they were trying to adopt a child, even though Arthur had lost his fortune. Even Hobson, who died in the original movie, came back as a ghost. I was in heaven! I saw Arthur 2: On The Rocks about 150 times, then I bought the video and watched it until it burned up in my VCR and, ultimately, reduced my apartment to cinders.

So now it's been more than eight years since Arthur 2, and I haven't heard boo about Arthur 3. Let's get cracking, Hollywood—the teeming masses are waiting!

The other Arthurians and I have done a lot of research, and we've uncovered some incredible facts. Did you know that Steve Gordon, the writer and director of the original Arthur, wrote three complete Arthur trilogies before he died? The one in which Arthur takes place is actually the second of the trilogies. The first covers the story of how Arthur's father acquired his fortune, and details his battles with opium addiction. In the third trilogy, Arthur's son returns to his grandfather's native country to become a fig farmer, only to come face to face with a rival Hobson's great-grandson! Word also has it that the only characters who will appear in all three trilogies are the Droids.

Much ink has been spilled about next year's theatrical re-release of Arthur. Apparently, Warner Brothers has uncovered some lost footage, and is re-incorporating it into the movie. The missing scenes include one in which Arthur drunkenly falls into a swimming pool at a fancy dinner party.

Warner Brothers also plans to replace all the old special effects with fancy new digital effects, claiming that Arthur will seem even more drunk than before. Well, I say, why fix what ain't broken?! Give us what we really want: the final installment of the trilogy!

My fellow Arthurians and I may be a small group, but we're very vocal. We've petitioned Bud Yorkin, the director of Arthur 2, to break the silence on Arthur 3, but he won't return our calls. We've camped out in front of Dudley Moore's mansion and sung Arthur's Theme in all-night vigils, only to be manhandled by Dudley's thuggish security personnel. Even Liza Minnelli, who could use the kind of career boost Arthur 3 would give her, has refused to meet with us to discuss the film.

But, by God, we won't give up! We've just got to know what happens next! Will Arthur be able to stay on the wagon long enough to see his son grow to be a man? Will Linda ever return to the stage to reprise her role in Cabaret? And will Arthur and Linda be able to get Hobson out of the carbonite freeze? Dammit, Warner Brothers, we demand to know!

Entertainment Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close