When Are They Going To Finish The Arthur Trilogy?

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Vol 30 Issue 13

Total Hunk Sitting Over By Plant

SCHAUMBURG, IL—According to several female shoppers at Woodfield Mall, a total hunk was sitting by a plant near the Wok 'n' Roll booth Friday. "He's so cute," said Melanie Ford, 22. The hunk was reportedly wearing a gray cardigan sweater and had "strong-looking hands." "I'm, like, imagining what it would be like to ride in his car," Ford's friend, Jessica Loew, said. A One Potato Two official could not verify the report, as the manager had left strict instructions that the register was not to be left unattended.

Local Dullard Opts For Vocational School

MILFORD, MD—In an attempt to earn more than $5.50 per hour, Alice Stellsen, a local dullard and mother of two, will attend Maryland Tech School this fall. "I was thinking of going into cosmetology or maybe data entry," she said Saturday. Both vocations, according to Stellsen, are nonspecific skills that anyone with a high-school education could learn to do, and therefore require no special talent or aptitude. "I am not special," she said. "Anyone could be taught these skills."

Jesus Christ Believed In

ELKHART, IN—According to reports, legendary Biblical figure Jesus Christ is believed in by area resident Milton Grelskum. Grelskum, a 37-year-old machine tool operator, admits to believing that Christ is the son of Yahweh, the Hebrew God, and that Christ's crucifixion has paved the way for Grelskum to receive an eternity of peace after death. "I believe Jesus is the way, the truth and the light," Grelskum said Monday. He added that he has a "personal relationship" with Jesus, which involves conversations with the Nazarene in his mind. "I love Jesus," Grelskum said. Grelskum's friends and neighbors are jealous of Grelskum's friendship. Said co-worker Tim Judd: "The most important person I communicate with in my mind is Emperor Charlemagne, and he hasn't promised me jack squat in the afterlife."

Frito-Lay Targets Blacks With New Menthol Doritos

DALLAS—The Frito-Lay Corporation is making a strong play for the lucrative African-American market with "Doritos Dark and Smooths," a new menthol-flavored snack chip product. The tortilla chips will be liquefied and sold in 40-ounce containers. "New Menthol Doritos... works every time," pitchman Billy Dee Williams said in his trademark sexy voice at a press conference Monday. Frito-Lay will be test-marketing the product on Chicago's South Side this month with the slogan, "New Doritos Dark and Smooths... So Dark... So Smooth."

Retro-Crazed Youths Re-Elect Carter

WASHINGTON, DC—A massive turnout of '70s-obsessed youths is being blamed for Jimmy Carter's surprise victory in Tuesday's presidential election. According to election officials, polling places were overrun with millions of 18- to 23-year-olds wearing Charlie's Angels T-shirts and carrying Scooby Doo lunchboxes. "The '70s were so cool," said Michelle Poole, 19, a barrette-wearing, Fisher Price toy-collecting Carter supporter. "It's like, that old-school Carter Administration shit rocked." According to Carter spokesman Edward Rowell, "President-Elect Carter will do his best to serve the mandate of '70s retro culture. He will boycott the Olympic Games, try to create another energy crisis and appoint many well-known '70s TV personalities, including Fred Berry and Gabe Kaplan, to top Cabinet posts."

The Story of Romeo and Juliet Is Not A Very Good Love Story

It is at this time of the year that many a young man's thoughts turn to love and wooing the fairer sex. And, I ask you, what better place to take your lady friend on a first date than to take them to the pictures? Ah, the magical moving pictures on the silver screen! There have been many occasions where a young suitor took a dame to the bijou and was rewarded with a smooch on the cheek, I am told. And so it was in my day, when romance was not just a word!

I Need A Buck-Fifty To Get To Detroit

Hey, how you all doin' this evening? Say, I gotta ask you something. You got a second? Come over here. Come on over, I ain't gonna hurt you. Okay, I'll come over there.

Clinton: Part 2

As America stands on the brink of the second half of the Bill Clinton Era, what are your thoughts?
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

When Are They Going To Finish The Arthur Trilogy?

Where were you in July 17, 1981?

Like most Americans, I was standing in line for the premiere of the most awaited film event of the century: Arthur. Dudley Moore had just wowed the critics for his turn in the hit 10, and there was much speculation that this would be an even bigger hit. What an understatement!

Nobody, not even the studio that released Arthur, could've imagined the impact it would have on the world. It was just a simple love story about a drunk millionaire who falls for a poor girl and must choose between following his fortune or his heart. But, oh, the power of that story! Dudley Moore, Liza Minnelli and Sir John Gielgud became household names. Christopher Cross' theme song went platinum. And, of course, millions of people imitated Arthur every day by getting blitzed.

And where was I during all this hubbub? Why, waiting in line to see Arthur again, of course! I saw Arthur a grand total of 218 times in the theater and 735 times on video, and I read the novelization 416 times before the cover fell off and the binding turned to dust. I went to the Arthur conventions, dressed like Arthur for Halloween, and wrote a manual that includes schematics of all the rooms in Arthur's mansion (Attention publishers: The book still hasn't been optioned. Hint! Hint!) I even started my own fan club, King Arthur's Court. Our peak membership was seven Arthurians, but three of them have since died of liver cancer.

Yes, I'm quite proud to say that Arthur has been the guiding force in my life. Though I'm not much of a drinker, I gleaned as much from the film as possible and applied it to my daily life. I hired an acid-tongued butler named Hobson. I started shoplifting like Liza Minnelli's character, Linda. I even wore a top hat in the bathtub!

>Imagine my joy in 1988 when the long-awaited sequel, Arthur 2: On the Rocks, finally arrived. At long last, I could see more adventures of my favorite characters. There they were, Arthur and Linda, on screen together again, and they were married! Imagine my surprise when I learned they were trying to adopt a child, even though Arthur had lost his fortune. Even Hobson, who died in the original movie, came back as a ghost. I was in heaven! I saw Arthur 2: On the Rocks about 150 times, then I bought the video and watched it until it burned up in my VCR and, ultimately, reduced my apartment to cinders.

So now it's been more than eight years since Arthur 2, and I haven't heard boo about Arthur 3. Let's get cracking, Hollywood--the teeming masses are waiting!

The other Arthurians and I have done a lot of research, and we've uncovered some incredible facts. Did you know that Steve Gordon, the writer and director of the original Arthur, wrote three complete Arthur trilogies before he died? The one in which Arthur takes place is actually the second of the trilogies. The first covers the story of how Arthur's father acquired his fortune, and details his battles with opium addiction. In the third trilogy, Arthur's son returns to his grandfather's native country to become a fig farmer, only to come face to face with a rival Hobson's great-grandson! Word also has it that the only characters who will appear in all three trilogies are the Droids.

Much ink has been spilled about next year's theatrical re-release of Arthur. Apparently, Warner Brothers has uncovered some lost footage, and is re-incorporating it into the movie. The missing scenes include one in which Arthur drunkenly falls into a swimming pool at a fancy dinner party.

Warner Brothers also plans to replace all the old special effects with fancy new digital effects, claiming that Arthur will seem even more drunk than before. Well, I say, why fix what ain't broken?! Give us what we really want: the final installment of the trilogy! My fellow Arthurians and I may be a small group, but we're very vocal. We've petitioned Bud Yorkin, the director of Arthur 2, to break the silence on Arthur 3, but he won't return our calls. We've camped out in front of Dudley Moore's mansion and sung Arthur's Theme in all-night vigils, only to be manhandled by Dudley's thuggish security personnel. Even Liza Minnelli, who could use the kind of career boost Arthur 3 would give her, has refused to meet us at the front desk at the detox clinic.

But, by God, we won't give up! We've just got to know what happens next! Will Arthur be able to stay on the wagon long enough to see his son grow to be a man? Will Linda ever return to the stage to reprise her role in Cabaret? And will Arthur and Linda be able to get Hobson out of the carbon freeze? Dammit, Warner Brothers, we demand to know!

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