When I Have Kids I'm Not Going To Drown Them

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...
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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

When I Have Kids I'm Not Going To Drown Them

That is just horrifying. Absolutely disgraceful. I can hardly believe some of the sick things I see on the evening news these days. Well, I'll tell you one thing: When I have kids, I'm not going to drown them.

To fill your bathtub to the brim and hold your children's heads under the surface until their little bodies stop flailing and kicking and struggling—that is precisely the kind of thing I am not going to do.

Now, I'm not quite ready to have kids just yet. But when I do, I'm going to be a great mother. I'm going to give my children plenty of love and hugs and kisses every day. I'm going to spend lots of time with them. We'll play tag. We'll bake cookies. We'll pitch a tent in the backyard and spend the night in sleeping bags. With all the fun things we're going to do, I won't have time to plan out some big multiple homicide, even if I wanted to.

I'm going to encourage my kids to express their creativity. I'll buy them art supplies, and I won't yell at them for making messes. If they want to wear one purple sock and one green sock, I'll say, "Go right ahead!" Why not? Kids are precious miracles of God. There's no reason to get mad at them when they mess up or do things a little differently. Let alone drown them.

Of course, I will set boundaries. Children need to be taught the difference between right and wrong. I will instill strong morals and values in my kids. They will learn always to tell the truth. Lying will be a big no-no in my household. So will forced drownings. I'll be firm when they need to be punished, but not so firm that I kill them. Instead, I'll send them to their room for a time-out or maybe tell them, "No TV for three days."

Not everyone has the same definition of the word "mother." To me, a mother is someone who loves and protects her children. A mother doesn't line her kids up and kill them one by one while the last child watches in horror, awaiting his or her own inevitable demise. A mother does not systematically drown her children until only one is left and then kill that one, too, the silence of the house broken only by the gurgle of bathtub water slipping down the drain. That is totally unacceptable.

When I have kids, it's going to be a major priority that they don't die, whether accidentally or by my own hands. I mean that. The kind of people who drown their children shouldn't be allowed to have children in the first place. That goes double for parents who strangle, shoot, stab, or bury their kids alive. Or lock them in a car trunk and drive into a river. Or tie them to a fence and drive a car into them. Or douse them with lawnmower gasoline and set them on fire. I think that sort of behavior is disgusting and just plain wrong.

Should I ever get so overwhelmed with the stresses of motherhood that I feel the urge to smash my children's skulls with a frying pan, I will simply drop them off at my sister's house and take a drive to the mountains to cool off. Or maybe I'd hire a babysitter and go to the movies—anything to get out of the house and avoid a multiple child murder.

Just imagine: Dragging the lifeless, blue-tinged bodies of the very children you gave birth to down the stairs and into the garage, their sopping-wet pajamas leaving a trail all the way across the floor. How in the world could someone do that? I'm serious: I would never even do that once.

A lot of people talk about what great parents they're going to be, but then when they actually become parents, they don't follow through. Not me. I really will be a great parent. This is my promise to you, my future children. I will not drown you. Ever. Cross my heart and hope to die.

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