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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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When I Need Strength, I Turn To The Bible Or Whatever Else Is Around

We all go through tough times in life. Maybe you’re struggling at work and filled with self-doubt, or perhaps the loss of a loved one has left you wondering if you’re strong enough to carry on. In those dark hours, it’s easy to fall victim to feelings of helplessness. But, fortunately, there’s hope, and it’s as close as your bookshelf.

I’ve found that when I need strength, I can always turn to the Bible or anything else that’s handy.

Several years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. During my long battle to get well, I often took comfort in the Good Book or whatever other book was nearby. When chemotherapy left me too exhausted to even get out of bed, I would find myself picking up the Bible, if that’s what happened to be on my nightstand, and reading a favorite verse or two. But if there happened to be a copy of The Hunger Games there instead, a couple of chapters of that would also do the trick.

God is our strength, we read in Psalm 18, and as powerless as I felt during those agonizing months, I discovered courage in His wisdom when it was within arm’s reach, just as I did with Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers and David Baldacci’s thriller Stone Cold.

Throughout my life, in fact, the Bible or some other reading material has been there when I needed it most. When I lost my job and worried about how I was going to scrape together next month’s rent in the middle of a brutal recession, I often relied on the Bible, A Tale Of Two Cities, In Cold Blood, The Audacity Of Hope, The Omnivore’s Dilemma, Seabiscuit, the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, a pocket road atlas of the Great Lakes region, The Oxford Companion To Ships And The Sea, or Fodor’s Montréal And Québec City 2009.

Anything lying around, to be honest.

Whenever I’ve felt stretched to my breaking point, I’ve found solace in turning to the New Testament, or just turning my head a bit until my gaze fell upon the framed cross-stitch on my wall that reads “Bless This Mess.” Or any calendar.

I distinctly remember one moment during my divorce. I’d just been sitting in my room all day with the shades drawn, crying and wondering if I’d be spending the rest of my life unloved and alone—if I died right there, who would even know? But in those bleakest hours, I was lifted from despair by my Bible and my 2006 Ford Focus owner’s handbook. According to Scripture, “the Lord your God is with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9), and according to my car’s manual: “The defroster turns off automatically after 14 minutes or when the ignition is turned to the OFF position. To manually turn off the defroster before 14 minutes have passed, push the control again.”

It’s hard to think of words more comforting than those.

We all wish there was no pain in life. But at least I know the ingredients list on a box of Grape-Nuts, the word of God, or anything at all written on someone’s T-shirt are there for me. I am so, so grateful that I can find peace any time I need it by writing a phone number or drawing a little star on the back of my hand and looking at it, or just by staring at the asphalt on my driveway. Yes, our demons rise up again and again, but we can answer them just as often by turning to the Bible or running a blender for hours on end until the motor burns out or throwing old clothes and hats into a river or doing anything else, without exception.

Try it, whatever it may be, and you might find an inner peace you’ve never felt before.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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