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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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When I Put Something In Italics, I Mean It

I've been office manager at Johnson Railing Supply, central Missouri's largest wholesaler of rails, for more than seven years. And in that time, I've had the chance to hone my writing skills in countless company memos, bulletin-board announcements, and break-room signs. With all this writing experience, I have the ability to cut through excess verbiage and get my message across clearly and effectively. But, despite this expertise, I've found there are those who fail to respond appropriately to strongly worded directives. They fail to understand that when I put something in italics, I mean it.

Take, for example, last week's memo regarding use of the company credit card, wherein I made it clear to employees that the card is to be used for pre-approved purchases only. Would you believe that on Monday I received a receipt from Janet Dahl for a pack of halogen light bulbs, for which a purchase request had not been filled out? What gives?

Then there was the time someone was leaving leftovers in the break-room fridge for weeks at a time. After a while, the fridge started to stink. I was put in charge of handling the situation. And that's just what I did, posting a sign reading, "Items Remaining In The Fridge For More Than Seven Days Will Be Thrown Out." But, lo and behold, despite my no-nonsense deployment of italics, a carton of Egg Foo Yung showed up on the bottom shelf the very next day and stayed for nearly four weeks.

For some reason, time and time again, people ignore the importance of words placed in italics. Last month, my lovely wife Carla and I threw a party for our 20th wedding anniversary. On the invitation, I clearly stated, "Your presence is our present." Yet we still received gifts from a number of our guests. Further, though the invitation clearly stated that dinner would start "at 8 p.m. promptly," several couples had the audacity to arrive at 8:15. Appetizers had already come and gone by the time they walked in the door.

Some people may recklessly pepper their work with unnecessary italics. Not I. I understand that italicization is something to be used sparingly, only when you are really serious about stressing the importance of certain words. The same thing goes for the exclamation point. Like italics, this atom bomb of punctuation must be deployed judiciously, only when absolutely necessary. For example, its use is wholly appropriate when you wish to remind your fellow Johnson Railing Supply employees that the second-floor stairwell door is to remain closed at all times!

But if, after posting such a reminder, the door continues to be held open with a ream of copier paper, it may be necessary to fortify the italics and exclamation point with capitals, underlines, and boldface: "Propping The Door Open IS A FIRE HAZARD!" In such extreme cases, one may also be forced to scold guilty parties with such parenthetical clauses as "(You know who you are!)" and "(If you have a problem with this, see Donald!)"

Yet, all too often, despite my carefully considered stylistic choices, my message is lost on others–even when I painstakingly call attention to the important parts of a sentence with a long dash. In handwritten material, I sometimes employ the triple-underline and, should the need arise, write in red magic marker. Such techniques, however, are impossible to render in typed memos and letters, not to mention grossly inappropriate in formal correspondence.

Perhaps I'll need to resort to swearing to get my points across. In the past, in dealing with my son, I've used the strong arm by leaving notes informing him that the "@#&*%! lawn" had better be mowed by 8 p.m. In the future, I may even have to add that if it is not, there will be hell to pay.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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