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When I'm Feeling Blue, I Can Always Go To My Undisclosed Location

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
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When I'm Feeling Blue, I Can Always Go To My Undisclosed Location

Life can be pretty overwhelming sometimes. The daily stresses of family, friends, and being vice-president of the world's most powerful nation can get your head all twisted up. At those moments, you need a special little place that's all yours, a place where you're safe from the rest of the world. Whether it's a treehouse, a backyard tent, or an underground concrete bunker, everybody needs a place to hide away. When I'm feeling blue, I like to run off to my undisclosed location for some quality Cheney time.

When I get to my undisclosed location, nestled somewhere between Oregon and Maine, it's like all my troubles magically disappear. Even before I get inside, as the helicopter flies over the last tree-covered hill, man-made lake, craggy mountain, or expanse of desert, and I can see the razor-wire-covered embankment come over the rise, I take a deep breath and know that everything is going to be okay.

I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have my undisclosed location. I think I'd go crazy. When life gets to be too much and you really want to mull things over, it's good to have a place beneath 500 feet of solid rock where you can be alone in Secret Service-protected peace and quiet.

As a father and vice-president, I know that a lot of people depend on me. That can be a lot of pressure, but I'm no good to my family or country if I have a breakdown. That's why my undisclosed location is so important. It helps keep me sane. So when the situation with Iraq gets really bad, or my favorite uncle passes away and I have to come to terms with the cycle of life and death, I just have to go.

When times get tough and I'm feeling low, I just have to be alone in my pressure-sensitive security room with my four most trusted Secret Service agents, far away from everyone and everything, away from all the fighting, stress, and reporters. My heavily guarded subterranean lair is the only place I can truly be me—not Dick Cheney the husband and father, not Dick Cheney the nation's second in command, but plain old Dick Cheney. That's a feeling no one can take away from me.

Besides my guards, only one person knows where I go when I disappear: my chief of staff Lewis Libby. He's the only one with the proper access codes and retinal scans to know how to get to me. And he rarely ever comes to find me when I get sad and hide away, because he knows how important my "bunker time" is to me.

When I disappeared after that U.S. spy plane crashed in China, Lewis came and found me. He told me how it was okay to be afraid, but that you need to stand up to those fears so they don't rule your life forever. He gave me the courage to fly back to Washington on his AH-64A/D Apache helicopter and try my best to find a diplomatic solution.

Lewis even told me about his special place, an old decommissioned Air Force base no one in Washington really goes to anymore. He says he goes there when he needs to think or just be alone. He took me to his spot, and we grew to be better friends. I've thought about going back there, but it's just not right. That's his spot, and I need to respect that. Besides, I wouldn't like it if I found Lewis hanging around my spot. Sometimes, a man needs to be alone in his airtight, self-sustaining shelter.

I really don't know what I'd do without my undisclosed location. It's like a second home for me, a place for me and nobody else. From the first time I was brought there, I knew it was the right nuclear-proof spot for me to clear my head and, if need be, have a good cry. Over time, it's become even more special. From the wood paneling I've had installed over the steel walls to make it more homey, to my relationship with Lieut. Daniel Parizi, who's become more than just a watch commander, I wouldn't trade my undisclosed location for anything in the world.

I've been coming to my undisclosed location less and less lately, probably because I'm getting older. But it's a good feeling to know it's there. In this cold, harsh world, it's nice to have a place you know will be there for you until the end of term.

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