When It Comes To Entertainment, My Sign Is Leo!

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Vol 39 Issue 03

New Movie Taps Into Nation's Love Of Rapping Kangaroos

HOLLYWOOD, CA—The new Jerry Bruckheimer comedy Kangaroo Jack has successfully tapped into America's longstanding love affair with rapping kangaroos, taking in a box-office-best $17.7 million in its opening weekend. "From Krazy Legs Kangol in the early '80s to such New School acts as Pouch Gangstas and Tha Mar$upials, kangaroos have always been at the forefront of the rap scene," media analyst Glen Coffey said. "But not until now has anyone had the vision to exploit this trend in a full-length feature film." Warner Bros. has already confirmed plans for a sequel, Koala Bob, featuring a computer-generated beat-boxing koala who steals $50 million in gold bullion... and he's not giving it back.

AOL/Time Warner Turmoil Over-Reported, Says Time

NEW YORK—According to the Feb. 3 issue of Time, the internal turmoil plaguing AOL/Time Warner is being over-reported by the national media. "Once again, tabloids like Newsweek and U.S. News & World Report insist on trawling through the Dumpster of this non-story, desperate to dig up any dirt they can find," columnist Lance Morrow wrote. "This would be bad enough in times of slow news, but a nation about to go to war and confused about which online service offers the best enhanced e-mail features surely deserves better."

Man Totally Proud Of Last Night's Drunken Phone Calls

ENID, OK—Andrew Colquitt expressed pride Monday in a drunken cross-country calling spree he'd embarked on the previous night. "I really gave that dick Larry Trachte a piece of my mind, and I finally told Steve I slept with his girlfriend back in high school," Colquitt said. "I think I even called [ex-girlfriend] Rebecca [Anders], although I might have just dreamed that." The 38-year-old Colquitt also called former college roommate Alex Via to inform him that he is "the greatest guy ever. Dude, I fuckin' love you, dude. Serious."

Real World Producers Still Looking To Fill Eating-Disorder Slot

VAN NUYS, CA—Jonathan Murray, co-executive producer of the MTV reality series The Real World, reported Monday that with just weeks to go before shooting begins, the eating-disorder slot for the cast of Real World 13: Paris remains unfilled. "We're still trying to find a hot young bulimic or anorexic, ideally with bisexual leanings," Murray said. "We found a woman who was perfect, except she was Asian, and we already had our non-black minority slot filled." Murray said that as a last resort, he has a perky blonde sexual-abuse victim ready to go.

Fox's Reality Shows

Having struck ratings gold with Man Vs. Beast and Joe Millionaire, Fox has plans for more reality-TV programming.

Affirmative Action Under Fire

President Bush recently urged the Supreme Court to strike down the University of Michigan's affirmative-action program as unconstitutional. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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When It Comes To Entertainment, My Sign Is Leo!

Happy New Year! Sorry I was a bit slow bringing you your first steaming-hot batch of 2003 gossip, but I had to take a few weeks off just to digest the holiday fruitcake! You know the one? The one someone gives every year? Well, I ate it.

Item! After going so long without him, we got twice the Leo this holiday movie season—and, boy, was it worth the wait! First, he was a scruffy turn-of-the-century gangster with a heart of gold in The New York Gangs. Then, he transformed into a 1960s con artist with a heart of gold in Catch Him... Please! I can't say for sure how good these movies are, but they are definitely at the top of my must-see list. (Oh, in case you weren't sure who I meant by Leo, it's Leonardo DiCaprio. Leo is short for Leonardo.)

I'm not ashamed to admit that when I heard Friends was coming back next year, I leapt around my apartment like Ross' monkey Marcel. Word is, each member of the all-star cast is set to earn a record $1 million per viewer. Pricey, but well worth it, if you ask me. So kudos to NBC for not canceling one of my favorite shows. Now, if you could just see fit to bring back Veronica's Closet!

Mark my words: That April Levine who sings about the "Skating Boy" has got the chops to be a real musical sensation.

I know Ashron Kutcher is a celebrity, because I hear him mentioned all the time, but I'll be darned if I can put the name to the face.

The Fox network is at it again! After the huge success of "reali-TV shows" like Temptationland and America's Idols, check your TV dial for Joe The Millionaire. Twenty-five women will compete for the affections of a single strapping construction worker with—get this—$50 million! Cha-ching! And even though this idea sounds a lot like The Bachelor Show, I've heard Fox has some sort of surprise twist ending. Well, whatever it is, I'm just happy to see Hollywood getting back to what it does best: giving true love a chance to bloom.

Speaking of The Bachelor Show, someone should give the first girl who lost another chance at romance. She was so special.

Just like basketball, football, and trout seasons, Awards Season is now upon us, so get your hot dogs and score cards and prepare for some hard-hitting awarding. A word to the Academy: bring back Billy Crystal!

Item! There's a new film about a piano-playing Holocaust survivor in Poland, and it's been getting a lot of critical acclaim. It's directed by Roman Polanksky, who's best known for What Ever Happened To Rosemary's Baby? Roman seems to be getting a little more personal in this one, and I love it. I wish he would make more movies back in the old U.S. of A. After 9-11, we could use someone like him back on our shores.

Attention Jackie readers! Does anyone know when the new Star Trek movie comes out? It's an even-numbered one, so it should be great.

Item! Sabrina The Teenage Witch is now going to be Sabrina The Teenage Wife! That's right, actress Melissa Joan Hart got engaged to a rocker recently. I'm not sure what band he's with, but they must go down like honey since he snagged the honey-blonde thespian!

Hey, I just thought of this: If Melissa Joan Hart married somebody with the last name "Attack," she'd be Melissa Joan Hart-Attack! That'd be a hoot.

Say, did anyone catch Man Vs. Beast on Fox? Boy, was it something! SPOILER ALERT: If you don't want to know who won what, you should skip ahead to the next item. Are you all gone? Okay. First, the Japanese eating champion was no match for a grizzly bear when it came to eating 60 hot dogs. Nor were 44 little people a match for an elephant when it came to pulling a jumbo jet. But striking a blow for the humans was grand-master Gary Kasparov, who narrowly defeated a wild boar in chess. Just when I've lost faith in Fox, they pull out a show that answers a big "what if?" for every American.

Item! Some people say Dr. Phil is a straight shooter. Me, I've always found him rude and unsympathetic. According to some reliable sources, though, Dr. Phil is a Gloomy Gus because his wife nags him from the moment he steps in the door to the moment he goes to sleep. So next time he lays into a guest on his show, I guess I should be a little more understanding and realize where that anger comes from.

Item! I called to order my tickets to see Saline Dion perform at Ceasar's Palace In Las Vegas, and after just 75 minutes on hold, I got through. Let me just say that March 26, 2005, cannot come fast enough. If you happen to be there that night, look up to row YY, seat 81, and you'll see one very happy man.

Well, that about wraps it up for another edition of The Outside Scoop. Remember, if the winter blues are getting you down, Dr. Tinseltown has the Rx for the blues. Just take two doses of Hollywood magic and see if you don't call him in the morning shouting at the top of your lungs, "Thanks, doc!"

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