When It Comes To Entertainment, My Sign Is Leo!

Top Headlines


Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 15, 2015

ARIES: Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the time, but as the years go by, society will gain sensitivity and learn to outgrow that sort of thing.

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 18, 2015

ARIES: Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.

Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’

Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:

Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.

How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Comic-Con Survival Guide

San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



When It Comes To Entertainment, My Sign Is Leo!

Happy New Year! Sorry I was a bit slow bringing you your first steaming-hot batch of 2003 gossip, but I had to take a few weeks off just to digest the holiday fruitcake! You know the one? The one someone gives every year? Well, I ate it.

Item! After going so long without him, we got twice the Leo this holiday movie season—and, boy, was it worth the wait! First, he was a scruffy turn-of-the-century gangster with a heart of gold in The New York Gangs. Then, he transformed into a 1960s con artist with a heart of gold in Catch Him... Please! I can't say for sure how good these movies are, but they are definitely at the top of my must-see list. (Oh, in case you weren't sure who I meant by Leo, it's Leonardo DiCaprio. Leo is short for Leonardo.)

I'm not ashamed to admit that when I heard Friends was coming back next year, I leapt around my apartment like Ross' monkey Marcel. Word is, each member of the all-star cast is set to earn a record $1 million per viewer. Pricey, but well worth it, if you ask me. So kudos to NBC for not canceling one of my favorite shows. Now, if you could just see fit to bring back Veronica's Closet!

Mark my words: That April Levine who sings about the "Skating Boy" has got the chops to be a real musical sensation.

I know Ashron Kutcher is a celebrity, because I hear him mentioned all the time, but I'll be darned if I can put the name to the face.

The Fox network is at it again! After the huge success of "reali-TV shows" like Temptationland and America's Idols, check your TV dial for Joe The Millionaire. Twenty-five women will compete for the affections of a single strapping construction worker with—get this—$50 million! Cha-ching! And even though this idea sounds a lot like The Bachelor Show, I've heard Fox has some sort of surprise twist ending. Well, whatever it is, I'm just happy to see Hollywood getting back to what it does best: giving true love a chance to bloom.

Speaking of The Bachelor Show, someone should give the first girl who lost another chance at romance. She was so special.

Just like basketball, football, and trout seasons, Awards Season is now upon us, so get your hot dogs and score cards and prepare for some hard-hitting awarding. A word to the Academy: bring back Billy Crystal!

Item! There's a new film about a piano-playing Holocaust survivor in Poland, and it's been getting a lot of critical acclaim. It's directed by Roman Polanksky, who's best known for What Ever Happened To Rosemary's Baby? Roman seems to be getting a little more personal in this one, and I love it. I wish he would make more movies back in the old U.S. of A. After 9-11, we could use someone like him back on our shores.

Attention Jackie readers! Does anyone know when the new Star Trek movie comes out? It's an even-numbered one, so it should be great.

Item! Sabrina The Teenage Witch is now going to be Sabrina The Teenage Wife! That's right, actress Melissa Joan Hart got engaged to a rocker recently. I'm not sure what band he's with, but they must go down like honey since he snagged the honey-blonde thespian!

Hey, I just thought of this: If Melissa Joan Hart married somebody with the last name "Attack," she'd be Melissa Joan Hart-Attack! That'd be a hoot.

Say, did anyone catch Man Vs. Beast on Fox? Boy, was it something! SPOILER ALERT: If you don't want to know who won what, you should skip ahead to the next item. Are you all gone? Okay. First, the Japanese eating champion was no match for a grizzly bear when it came to eating 60 hot dogs. Nor were 44 little people a match for an elephant when it came to pulling a jumbo jet. But striking a blow for the humans was grand-master Gary Kasparov, who narrowly defeated a wild boar in chess. Just when I've lost faith in Fox, they pull out a show that answers a big "what if?" for every American.

Item! Some people say Dr. Phil is a straight shooter. Me, I've always found him rude and unsympathetic. According to some reliable sources, though, Dr. Phil is a Gloomy Gus because his wife nags him from the moment he steps in the door to the moment he goes to sleep. So next time he lays into a guest on his show, I guess I should be a little more understanding and realize where that anger comes from.

Item! I called to order my tickets to see Saline Dion perform at Ceasar's Palace In Las Vegas, and after just 75 minutes on hold, I got through. Let me just say that March 26, 2005, cannot come fast enough. If you happen to be there that night, look up to row YY, seat 81, and you'll see one very happy man.

Well, that about wraps it up for another edition of The Outside Scoop. Remember, if the winter blues are getting you down, Dr. Tinseltown has the Rx for the blues. Just take two doses of Hollywood magic and see if you don't call him in the morning shouting at the top of your lungs, "Thanks, doc!"

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close