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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

When It Comes To Entertainment, My Sign Is Leo!

Happy New Year! Sorry I was a bit slow bringing you your first steaming-hot batch of 2003 gossip, but I had to take a few weeks off just to digest the holiday fruitcake! You know the one? The one someone gives every year? Well, I ate it.

Item! After going so long without him, we got twice the Leo this holiday movie season—and, boy, was it worth the wait! First, he was a scruffy turn-of-the-century gangster with a heart of gold in The New York Gangs. Then, he transformed into a 1960s con artist with a heart of gold in Catch Him... Please! I can't say for sure how good these movies are, but they are definitely at the top of my must-see list. (Oh, in case you weren't sure who I meant by Leo, it's Leonardo DiCaprio. Leo is short for Leonardo.)

I'm not ashamed to admit that when I heard Friends was coming back next year, I leapt around my apartment like Ross' monkey Marcel. Word is, each member of the all-star cast is set to earn a record $1 million per viewer. Pricey, but well worth it, if you ask me. So kudos to NBC for not canceling one of my favorite shows. Now, if you could just see fit to bring back Veronica's Closet!

Mark my words: That April Levine who sings about the "Skating Boy" has got the chops to be a real musical sensation.

I know Ashron Kutcher is a celebrity, because I hear him mentioned all the time, but I'll be darned if I can put the name to the face.

The Fox network is at it again! After the huge success of "reali-TV shows" like Temptationland and America's Idols, check your TV dial for Joe The Millionaire. Twenty-five women will compete for the affections of a single strapping construction worker with—get this—$50 million! Cha-ching! And even though this idea sounds a lot like The Bachelor Show, I've heard Fox has some sort of surprise twist ending. Well, whatever it is, I'm just happy to see Hollywood getting back to what it does best: giving true love a chance to bloom.

Speaking of The Bachelor Show, someone should give the first girl who lost another chance at romance. She was so special.

Just like basketball, football, and trout seasons, Awards Season is now upon us, so get your hot dogs and score cards and prepare for some hard-hitting awarding. A word to the Academy: bring back Billy Crystal!

Item! There's a new film about a piano-playing Holocaust survivor in Poland, and it's been getting a lot of critical acclaim. It's directed by Roman Polanksky, who's best known for What Ever Happened To Rosemary's Baby? Roman seems to be getting a little more personal in this one, and I love it. I wish he would make more movies back in the old U.S. of A. After 9-11, we could use someone like him back on our shores.

Attention Jackie readers! Does anyone know when the new Star Trek movie comes out? It's an even-numbered one, so it should be great.

Item! Sabrina The Teenage Witch is now going to be Sabrina The Teenage Wife! That's right, actress Melissa Joan Hart got engaged to a rocker recently. I'm not sure what band he's with, but they must go down like honey since he snagged the honey-blonde thespian!

Hey, I just thought of this: If Melissa Joan Hart married somebody with the last name "Attack," she'd be Melissa Joan Hart-Attack! That'd be a hoot.

Say, did anyone catch Man Vs. Beast on Fox? Boy, was it something! SPOILER ALERT: If you don't want to know who won what, you should skip ahead to the next item. Are you all gone? Okay. First, the Japanese eating champion was no match for a grizzly bear when it came to eating 60 hot dogs. Nor were 44 little people a match for an elephant when it came to pulling a jumbo jet. But striking a blow for the humans was grand-master Gary Kasparov, who narrowly defeated a wild boar in chess. Just when I've lost faith in Fox, they pull out a show that answers a big "what if?" for every American.

Item! Some people say Dr. Phil is a straight shooter. Me, I've always found him rude and unsympathetic. According to some reliable sources, though, Dr. Phil is a Gloomy Gus because his wife nags him from the moment he steps in the door to the moment he goes to sleep. So next time he lays into a guest on his show, I guess I should be a little more understanding and realize where that anger comes from.

Item! I called to order my tickets to see Saline Dion perform at Ceasar's Palace In Las Vegas, and after just 75 minutes on hold, I got through. Let me just say that March 26, 2005, cannot come fast enough. If you happen to be there that night, look up to row YY, seat 81, and you'll see one very happy man.

Well, that about wraps it up for another edition of The Outside Scoop. Remember, if the winter blues are getting you down, Dr. Tinseltown has the Rx for the blues. Just take two doses of Hollywood magic and see if you don't call him in the morning shouting at the top of your lungs, "Thanks, doc!"

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