When Life Gets You Down, Sometimes You Just Have To Make 'D4: The Mighty Ducks' Yourself

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ARIES: Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the time, but as the years go by, society will gain sensitivity and learn to outgrow that sort of thing.

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ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 18, 2015

ARIES: Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.

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ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

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Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

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Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

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Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

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When Life Gets You Down, Sometimes You Just Have To Make 'D4: The Mighty Ducks' Yourself

Life is unfair. That's just a fact. But when you've got no money and no family and it's been three years since Hollywood offered you a role in a film, you've got to ask yourself, "Am I going to sit here on the couch all day and wallow in self-pity, or am I going to get out there and make D4: The Mighty Ducks on my own?" Well, for me, the answer is simple: The Quack Attack is back, Jack!

Sure, I could wait for the studio to contact me. I could wait for the script for D4: Running Afowl to magically appear in my mailbox with a neat little bow on it. Or, I could brush these Sun Chips crumbs off my stomach, put on some pants, and do this thing! How hard can it be? All you need is some pluck, determination, a buddy with a camera, one of those long microphones they hold above you when you talk, a videotape, and a head full of good ideas. Ideas like that the Ducks are pro hockey players now and I'm the coach.

Bingo bango bongo. Something the whole family can enjoy.

Folks, the real message I'm trying to convey here is that we all face tough times. We all get stuck in a rut. We all contemplate slitting our wrists with the blade of the ice skate we wore in the original Mighty Ducks movie, released in 1992 to warm reviews. I know I've been there. But we have to rise above all that and keep calling Josh Jackson until he returns one of our voicemails, keep trying to figure out how to do a special effect that makes it look like a really fast slap shot burned a hole through the net and set it on fire. Because if we don't do that, I ask you, how are we ever going to get work again?

Now, I've been kicking around D4 ideas for the past 12 years, and it's high time I start putting them out there, because they aren't doing any good rattling around in my head. I got this one idea that Coach Bombay (i.e. me) is skating on a frozen pond in slow motion, sort of reflecting on his life like he always does, and then the ice cracks and he falls in. For a second it looks like he's going to drown, but then you see someone extend this hockey stick into the ice-cold water, and the camera zooms up, and it's Charlie (i.e. Charlie Conway, my protégé). He saves me. He's old now and has a beard. And he says in this really gravelly voice "Ducks fly together" and I nod at him and then the team gets back together to play in the Olympics. Then "Whoomp! (There It Is)" starts playing.

It's really all a metaphor for life and for saving people.

But like I said, that's just one idea. I'm coming up with things all the time. Like the other day, I was doing some doodles of cartoon hockey players, like a pig who's a goaltender because he's fat. It got me thinking that D4 could be half animated, half live action. Like the movie Space Jam was. This could be like Space Jam, but it can be called Hockey Jam. I could be the Michael Jordan guy.

I didn't get to where I am in life by sitting back and not making Mighty Ducks movies. And I'm sure as heck not going to stop now. I've just got to type up these scripts, and do some funny jokes and some cool new characters like a guy who can shoot a puck backwards through his legs. Also I have to find a budget somewhere, because movies need budgets. Then it's just a matter of picking up the phone and calling the old gang. I'm sure they'd be up for another sequel. Guys like Fulton, Lester, Jesse. I wish I knew their real names.

Of course, if I can't get the original actors, am I going to whine and give up? No. When life gives you shit, you've got to turn that shit into D4: The Mighty Ducks: The Prequel.

I've even got some great ideas for awesome new moves. You can't have a Mighty Ducks movie without having cool and funny ways to score goals. In the first one, we had the Flying V and the triple deke. Then in D2 we had the knuckle-puck. Well get ready for this, because this is going to blow you out of the water. Are you ready? Quadruple deke. That's four dekes! Like D4, get it? Four.

The movie will hinge on this, because—spoiler alert!—it's the thing the players will do at the end to win the final game that it looked like they would not be able to win. So this cool move, or "trick," will be an important part of D4.

If anyone reading this has any equipment for making movies with, or is a movie executive, or would like to look over my script and give me some feedback, you can reach me at coach.bombay57@gmail.com.

Wait, I just thought of another thing. We could have the Ducks face the terrorist's hockey team, and if we win, they have to stop being terrorists. That could not only be funny, but also symbolic.