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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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When Life Gets You Down, Sometimes You Just Have To Make 'D4: The Mighty Ducks' Yourself

Life is unfair. That's just a fact. But when you've got no money and no family and it's been three years since Hollywood offered you a role in a film, you've got to ask yourself, "Am I going to sit here on the couch all day and wallow in self-pity, or am I going to get out there and make D4: The Mighty Ducks on my own?" Well, for me, the answer is simple: The Quack Attack is back, Jack!

Sure, I could wait for the studio to contact me. I could wait for the script for D4: Running Afowl to magically appear in my mailbox with a neat little bow on it. Or, I could brush these Sun Chips crumbs off my stomach, put on some pants, and do this thing! How hard can it be? All you need is some pluck, determination, a buddy with a camera, one of those long microphones they hold above you when you talk, a videotape, and a head full of good ideas. Ideas like that the Ducks are pro hockey players now and I'm the coach.

Bingo bango bongo. Something the whole family can enjoy.

Folks, the real message I'm trying to convey here is that we all face tough times. We all get stuck in a rut. We all contemplate slitting our wrists with the blade of the ice skate we wore in the original Mighty Ducks movie, released in 1992 to warm reviews. I know I've been there. But we have to rise above all that and keep calling Josh Jackson until he returns one of our voicemails, keep trying to figure out how to do a special effect that makes it look like a really fast slap shot burned a hole through the net and set it on fire. Because if we don't do that, I ask you, how are we ever going to get work again?

Now, I've been kicking around D4 ideas for the past 12 years, and it's high time I start putting them out there, because they aren't doing any good rattling around in my head. I got this one idea that Coach Bombay (i.e. me) is skating on a frozen pond in slow motion, sort of reflecting on his life like he always does, and then the ice cracks and he falls in. For a second it looks like he's going to drown, but then you see someone extend this hockey stick into the ice-cold water, and the camera zooms up, and it's Charlie (i.e. Charlie Conway, my protégé). He saves me. He's old now and has a beard. And he says in this really gravelly voice "Ducks fly together" and I nod at him and then the team gets back together to play in the Olympics. Then "Whoomp! (There It Is)" starts playing.

It's really all a metaphor for life and for saving people.

But like I said, that's just one idea. I'm coming up with things all the time. Like the other day, I was doing some doodles of cartoon hockey players, like a pig who's a goaltender because he's fat. It got me thinking that D4 could be half animated, half live action. Like the movie Space Jam was. This could be like Space Jam, but it can be called Hockey Jam. I could be the Michael Jordan guy.

I didn't get to where I am in life by sitting back and not making Mighty Ducks movies. And I'm sure as heck not going to stop now. I've just got to type up these scripts, and do some funny jokes and some cool new characters like a guy who can shoot a puck backwards through his legs. Also I have to find a budget somewhere, because movies need budgets. Then it's just a matter of picking up the phone and calling the old gang. I'm sure they'd be up for another sequel. Guys like Fulton, Lester, Jesse. I wish I knew their real names.

Of course, if I can't get the original actors, am I going to whine and give up? No. When life gives you shit, you've got to turn that shit into D4: The Mighty Ducks: The Prequel.

I've even got some great ideas for awesome new moves. You can't have a Mighty Ducks movie without having cool and funny ways to score goals. In the first one, we had the Flying V and the triple deke. Then in D2 we had the knuckle-puck. Well get ready for this, because this is going to blow you out of the water. Are you ready? Quadruple deke. That's four dekes! Like D4, get it? Four.

The movie will hinge on this, because—spoiler alert!—it's the thing the players will do at the end to win the final game that it looked like they would not be able to win. So this cool move, or "trick," will be an important part of D4.

If anyone reading this has any equipment for making movies with, or is a movie executive, or would like to look over my script and give me some feedback, you can reach me at coach.bombay57@gmail.com.

Wait, I just thought of another thing. We could have the Ducks face the terrorist's hockey team, and if we win, they have to stop being terrorists. That could not only be funny, but also symbolic.

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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

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