adBlockCheck

When You Get Older You Learn To Appreciate The Moments When You're Not Skittering Away

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

When You Get Older You Learn To Appreciate The Moments When You're Not Skittering Away

No roach's life is easy. The time a Periplaneta americana specimen such as myself is allotted on this earth is brief, yet how do we spend most of that time? In fear. We live our lives dreading the terrifying instant when that light is switched on and we must dart away if we wish to escape with our exoskeletons intact.

I believe life is about more than that. I believe life is about the moments between scurrying disgustingly across walls and silverware.

Dodging a flying broom or rolled-up newspaper, bolting from a box of Cheerios to go hide in the nearest crack—when I was young, these dangers thrilled me as much as the next larva. But as you start getting up there in months, it becomes important to appreciate those rare, quiet times when you're not skittering away in panic.

We cockroaches scavenge. We mate. We leave trails of pheromones from our nests behind the refrigerator to sinks full of dirty dishes, signaling to others the location of potential food sources. But how many of us truly enjoy these things free from the anxiety that our next trip across the kitchen floor may end between a shoe and the linoleum, the life all squished out of us?

The key is teaching ourselves to savor the "now." Each day, I like to stop what I'm doing, take some deep breaths with all 20 functioning spiracles, and clear my mind of all thoughts of Raid or roach motels or boric acid.

At its essence, life is about the moments of inner stillness, not the constant scurrying. When we're pausing at the edge of the bathroom sink, twitching our antennae to sense each drop of fetid moisture and fleck of fecal matter, that is exactly when we should pause, contemplate the really important things, and find serenity.

I realize now that these peaceful moments—standing on a piece of cake, laying 1,500 eggs in the frosting—are when each of us becomes a cockroach in the fullest sense.

But I had to make this discovery for myself. One night, as I scampered up on some guy's pillow and nibbled at the mites in his eyebrows, a thought struck me: You know what? This is really nice. I wasn't worried about being swatted at or anything like that. I was just experiencing the fullness of the moment, happy to be alive and to be licking at the open sore of a freshly pierced ear.

I was just being.

Because let's face it, you never know when that big light bulb on the ceiling will flicker on, or what will happen when it does. Perhaps today you'll flee to the safety of a drainpipe, perhaps tomorrow your entire nervous system will be wracked with painful spasms as you slowly die in an asphyxiating fog of pyrethrins and piperonyl butoxide.

So why not stop and smell the chemical traces of rotting garbage while you still can? Take the time right now to enjoy that banana peel, that unwashed bowl of chili on the countertop, that quiet nook in the medicine cabinet where there's a toothbrush you like to defecate on.

You'll be glad you did.

Of course, I still skitter away the instant I sense light in one of the many photoreceptors forming my terrifyingly large compound eyes. So must we all. It's an unavoidable part of life. But learning to be still, even for just a few seconds, and ponder the miracle of one's short, shit-covered life—well, that's something truly special.

After all, the day will come when each of us must shed his carapace and depart this world, and when that happens, what do we truly leave behind? Apart from millions upon millions of descendants who will spread to every corner of the globe, adapt to every conceivable environment, and extend a legacy that began in the Paleozoic Era and will continue long after the last human being draws his final breath, not very much.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close