When You Think McDonough's Auto Repair, You Think Craftsmanship, Murder, And Pride

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Vol 46 Issue 35

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Onion Sports 2010 NFL Team-By-Team Guide

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Saints vs. Vikings

As the season kicks off in New Orleans with a rematch of last year's NFC championship game, Onion Sports breaks down the NFL opener:

NFC West

NFC WEST Seattle Seahawks Strengths: Reports from coach's office indicate Pete Carroll is a complete football genius Weaknesses: Team is in their ninth year of humoring quarterback and Make-A-Wish cancer patient Matt Hasselbeck Intangibles: Billionaire o...

NFC East

NFC EAST New York Giants Strengths: Excellent at believing Eli Manning is a Hall of Fame quarterback; cohesive offensive line understands that blocking begins when ball is snapped Weakness: No one but players able to afford entry into new $1.6 billion st...

NFC South

NFC SOUTH Atlanta Falcons Strength: It's been more than a year since Matt Ryan appeared in a Gillette commercial, so the Gillette commercial curse should have run its course; Black is still a very intimidating color Weakness: Have all the makings of a te...

NFC North

NFC NORTH Vikings Strengths: Showing off his youthful exuberance, 40-year-old Brett Favre is still out there running the media around like a little kid; defensive tackles Kevin and Pat Williams look impressive in their ability to stop all forms of justic...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

When You Think McDonough's Auto Repair, You Think Craftsmanship, Murder, And Pride

For more than 75 years, McDonough's Auto Repair has been part of a proud tradition—a tradition of quality, reliability, affordable service for the hard-working folks of Montchester, murder, and, most importantly, pride in a hard day's work. We know there's no substitute for doing it right the first time. We know we're an irredeemable murderer. And we know in our hearts, there's no shortcut to excellence.

When my grandfather started McDonough's Auto Repair out of his humble garage in 1927, he did so to offer a simple service to the friends and neighbors of his community. He never could have dreamed that someday his name would become synonymous with peace of mind and murder for car owners throughout the tri-state area. He believed in fairness and honesty. He believed in standing behind his work. And he believed no job was too small, from a transmission overhaul, to a killing that leads to a three-week search for a missing schoolteacher, to a simple oil change. At McDonough's, we're proud to be the carriers of that tradition.

To this heritage of loving, detailed workmanship, we've added the latest diagnostic techniques, a team of topflight ASE-certified mechanics, the haunting knowledge of what happened on Quarry Road that night, and a five-star rating for quality.

That's our guarantee to you.

Through the years we've come to know you as more than customers. We know you as the friend we smile at on the street, the family who invites us into their home, the unrecognizable corpse that terrorizes our dreams, in short, as partners in our community business. Sure, we could do a "good enough" job using "good enough" parts, but that wouldn't be "good enough" for the people we've come to know and murder, now, would it? The truth is, you might sometimes find a better deal at the big chains, but the McDonough Promise is that you won't ever stop her screaming or find our unique brand of personal care and attention anywhere else.

She was going to ruin everything.

When you think premium auto repair, we want you to think McDonough's, because her blood was everywhere, Christ, and there's nothing we value more than your opinion. We service all models of domestic cars, European and Japanese imports, can't you see I had no choice, even obsolete models. Our aim is simple: to provide you with only the very best automotive technicians, and service you can't get from the national chains because she was going to try and tell them the baby was yours and we care about more than just the bottom line.

The next time you see a well-maintained Ford, a smooth-running Chevrolet, a wrench befouled with blood and matted hair, or even a reliable old Saab, we want McDonough to be the name that comes to mind. We do full inspections, emissions testing, nightly penance for our sins, oil changes, insurance estimates, the whole ball of wax weighted down with tire chains and thrown into the old flooded mine shaft where my grandfather worked to save enough money to open up his first shop here in 1974.

I mean 1927! 1974 was the year we opened our first fully accredited body shop. And also the year I murdered that woman.

So what's our secret at McDonough's Auto Repair? Well, there is no secret to hard work, know-how, the sickening shock that travels up your arm as her skull caves in, and a commitment to being your best.

It's as simple as that, and nothing will ever change McDonough's devotion to excellence or bring her back. Prayer won't help. Or liquor. Or all the good you do in the community by offering a no-questions-asked gold-seal 100-percent money-back guarantee on all repairs performed in any of our shops.

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