adBlockCheck

Recent News

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.
End Of Section
  • More News

When You Think McDonough's Auto Repair, You Think Craftsmanship, Murder, And Pride

For more than 75 years, McDonough's Auto Repair has been part of a proud tradition—a tradition of quality, reliability, affordable service for the hard-working folks of Montchester, murder, and, most importantly, pride in a hard day's work. We know there's no substitute for doing it right the first time. We know we're an irredeemable murderer. And we know in our hearts, there's no shortcut to excellence.

When my grandfather started McDonough's Auto Repair out of his humble garage in 1927, he did so to offer a simple service to the friends and neighbors of his community. He never could have dreamed that someday his name would become synonymous with peace of mind and murder for car owners throughout the tri-state area. He believed in fairness and honesty. He believed in standing behind his work. And he believed no job was too small, from a transmission overhaul, to a killing that leads to a three-week search for a missing schoolteacher, to a simple oil change. At McDonough's, we're proud to be the carriers of that tradition.

To this heritage of loving, detailed workmanship, we've added the latest diagnostic techniques, a team of topflight ASE-certified mechanics, the haunting knowledge of what happened on Quarry Road that night, and a five-star rating for quality.

That's our guarantee to you.

Through the years we've come to know you as more than customers. We know you as the friend we smile at on the street, the family who invites us into their home, the unrecognizable corpse that terrorizes our dreams, in short, as partners in our community business. Sure, we could do a "good enough" job using "good enough" parts, but that wouldn't be "good enough" for the people we've come to know and murder, now, would it? The truth is, you might sometimes find a better deal at the big chains, but the McDonough Promise is that you won't ever stop her screaming or find our unique brand of personal care and attention anywhere else.

She was going to ruin everything.

When you think premium auto repair, we want you to think McDonough's, because her blood was everywhere, Christ, and there's nothing we value more than your opinion. We service all models of domestic cars, European and Japanese imports, can't you see I had no choice, even obsolete models. Our aim is simple: to provide you with only the very best automotive technicians, and service you can't get from the national chains because she was going to try and tell them the baby was yours and we care about more than just the bottom line.

The next time you see a well-maintained Ford, a smooth-running Chevrolet, a wrench befouled with blood and matted hair, or even a reliable old Saab, we want McDonough to be the name that comes to mind. We do full inspections, emissions testing, nightly penance for our sins, oil changes, insurance estimates, the whole ball of wax weighted down with tire chains and thrown into the old flooded mine shaft where my grandfather worked to save enough money to open up his first shop here in 1974.

I mean 1927! 1974 was the year we opened our first fully accredited body shop. And also the year I murdered that woman.

So what's our secret at McDonough's Auto Repair? Well, there is no secret to hard work, know-how, the sickening shock that travels up your arm as her skull caves in, and a commitment to being your best.

It's as simple as that, and nothing will ever change McDonough's devotion to excellence or bring her back. Prayer won't help. Or liquor. Or all the good you do in the community by offering a no-questions-asked gold-seal 100-percent money-back guarantee on all repairs performed in any of our shops.

More from this section

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close