Where Are My Prosthetic Ears?

Top Headlines

Recent News

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Preparedness

  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Where Are My Prosthetic Ears?

Nurse! Turn this room inside out! No one in this estate will eat their bread and gruel until my prosthetic ears are found! I just saw the things not one, maybe two hours ago! Where in the name of the Apostles could they be?

I will be just beside myself if they are not found by night-fall. They are made of a fine, hand-tooled silver, a gift to me from the Imperial Highness of the Potentate of Prussia back in 1907. At the time, I naturally laughed at the peculiarity of such items; little did I know how sorely I would later need them.

No, no, Nurse, you imbecile, that's my ear-trumpet! I am looking for the actual ears! You unscrewed them off me last night--where in blazes did you put them?

A shiny guilder to anyone who finds and returns my prosthetic ears!

These ears are unique and priceless. And woe to the wretch who tries to steal them! In 1922, a simple sharecropper working a patch of land on my vast holdings broke into my mansion, removed the ears from their glass display case, and secreted them in his over-alls. A six-day manhunt took place all over the county, and the sheriff and his posse finally tracked him down in his crude shanty, cowering with his wife and nine babies. He was going to return the ears, he pleaded, saying that he only took them so that his earless wife could know what it was like to have ears for a little while on her birthday. I considered clemency, but decided to have him pressed to death anyway as an example to other would-be ear thieves.

If these ears do not turn up soon, the Zweibel Estate will become Hell itself. I will make life so hard for these wretched lummoxes who pass for my servants that the atrocities of Ivan the Terrible will seem like a fairy-picnic!

What? What did you say, Nurse? Screw the ear-trumpet to my left ear so I can hear you. Why, by great Jupiter's whiskers, my prosthetic ears weren't missing--I was wearing them all this time! Oh, now I remember. Standish put them in for me this morning so I could listen to Amos & Andy on the wireless! Huzzah! Standish, you can stop immolating the indentured servants now, for I have found my ears!