Where Are My Prosthetic Ears?

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Vol 31 Issue 14

Love For Jesus Inspires Honk

SALT LAKE CITY—Spurred on by an automotive decal, or "bumper sticker," an area woman's love for Jesus Christ was manifested in honk form Monday. "I do love Jesus," explained Millicent Walters. "Therefore, at the behest of the sticker, I honked." Witnesses described the sticker as one which urged Jesus-loving motorists to sound their automobile horns. The specific purpose of the honking was not clear.

Shirtless Lifeguard Investigates Paranormal Phenomena

MALIBU, CA—In a remarkable display of dedication to human safety, area lifeguard Mitch Buchannon has sacrificed all possible leisure time to jointly pursue beach safety by day and paranormal investigation by night. "The world faces countless dangers, from strong tides to para-dimensional soul catchers," Buchannon said. "It is up to all of us to make a difference in whatever way we can. My way is to work as both a lifeguard and a paranormal investigator." Buchannon says that he draws inspiration from his mother, a longtime legal secretary who recently began investigating UFO-conspiracy government cover-ups in the evenings.

'Everything's $10,000' Chain Goes Out Of Business

WHEELING, WV—Citing "phenomenally poor sales," the retail chain Everything's $10,000 filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Monday. "When we started, we were all really excited about the concept," the chain's CEO, Carl Rasmussen, said. "You could walk in the store, plunk down 10 grand and walk out with anything you saw on the shelves. We carried everything from pillowcases to staplers to toy rifles for the kids. Unfortunately, the public just never seemed to respond." When pressed for the reasons for the chain's failure, Rasmussen was unsure: "It's hard to say. Perhaps we didn't do a good enough job marketing ourselves." Rasmussen said he would eventually like to open a "more upscale shop, perhaps in the five to seven million dollar range," to fill the space housing Everything's $10,000, located in the Wheeling Plaza strip mall between Pat's Laundromat and Arby's.

CIA To Shift Focus To Greeting Cards

WASHINGTON, DC—After decades devoted to toppling Third World regimes and pumping crack into America's inner cities, CIA Director Robert Gates announced Monday that the agency will phase out covert paramilitary operations to focus exclusively on the production a new line of greeting cards. "Around the time we neutralized Vince Foster, we began to have doubts about whether this is what we really want to do," Gates said. "After last month's top-secret burial of toxic waste in Honduras, I just thought, 'You know what? There's a lot more to life than this.' That 'more,' for us, is the spreading of happy wishes to people on days that are special to them." The CIA's first card is expected to feature a cute bunny with birthday wishes for a special boy who is three today.

Computer Countdown To '00

There is widespread fear among computer experts that the turn of the millennium will create vast problems, as computers across the world—programmed with only the last two digits of a year—will mistake 2000 for 1900. What do you think?

Ask A Morally Weak Preacher

Father Paul Byrne is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Morally Weak Preacher, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

Oh, I So Nervous!

Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! I so nervous, I never ever wrote a goose column in a newspaper before! I am nervous! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo!

Horoscope for the week of April 16, 1997

You will awaken from a heroic drinking binge with a terrific hangover and no memory of how you got back home. Perhaps the bloody infant shoes hanging from your car's rear-view mirror are a clue.
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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Where Are My Prosthetic Ears?

Nurse! Turn this room inside out! No one in this estate will eat their bread and gruel until my prosthetic ears are found! I just saw the things not one, maybe two hours ago! Where in the name of the Apostles could they be?

I will be just beside myself if they are not found by night-fall. They are made of a fine, hand-tooled silver, a gift to me from the Imperial Highness of the Potentate of Prussia back in 1907. At the time, I naturally laughed at the peculiarity of such items; little did I know how sorely I would later need them.

No, no, Nurse, you imbecile, that's my ear-trumpet! I am looking for the actual ears! You unscrewed them off me last night--where in blazes did you put them?

A shiny guilder to anyone who finds and returns my prosthetic ears!

These ears are unique and priceless. And woe to the wretch who tries to steal them! In 1922, a simple sharecropper working a patch of land on my vast holdings broke into my mansion, removed the ears from their glass display case, and secreted them in his over-alls. A six-day manhunt took place all over the county, and the sheriff and his posse finally tracked him down in his crude shanty, cowering with his wife and nine babies. He was going to return the ears, he pleaded, saying that he only took them so that his earless wife could know what it was like to have ears for a little while on her birthday. I considered clemency, but decided to have him pressed to death anyway as an example to other would-be ear thieves.

If these ears do not turn up soon, the Zweibel Estate will become Hell itself. I will make life so hard for these wretched lummoxes who pass for my servants that the atrocities of Ivan the Terrible will seem like a fairy-picnic!

What? What did you say, Nurse? Screw the ear-trumpet to my left ear so I can hear you. Why, by great Jupiter's whiskers, my prosthetic ears weren't missing--I was wearing them all this time! Oh, now I remember. Standish put them in for me this morning so I could listen to Amos & Andy on the wireless! Huzzah! Standish, you can stop immolating the indentured servants now, for I have found my ears!

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