Where Are You Now, When We Need You Most, Rage Against The Machine?

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Vol 40 Issue 32

Black Guy Doesn't Talk About All The Times He Didn't Get Discriminated Against

DETROIT, MI—Renald Boyd, 27, of course doesn't mention all the times he wasn't discriminated against, sources reported Tuesday. "I had the lease all set up through an agent," Boyd said. "But then, when I went in to sign it, the landlord suddenly started acting all weird and said he had to run out for a minute. We sat there for an hour before the agent got him on the phone, at which point the landlord said he was looking for a 'quieter type.' This country is insane." Boyd naturally failed to mention that the real-estate agent worked with him with no hesitation, and that the taxi he took away from the real-estate agency was only the second one that he'd attempted to hail.

Man Miscast In Role of Father

BECKLEY, WV—Critics, social workers, and peers agreed Monday that Michael Jans was horribly miscast as the father of 5-year-old Tyler Beecham. "Michael would be great playing the drunken buddy, or the deadbeat brother who can't hold down a job, but he's just not very believable as Daddy," ex-girlfriend Karen Beecham said. "I had hoped Michael would grow into the role, but I'm rethinking that idea. It's a very demanding part, and I need someone who can do it without a lot of direction." Beecham will begin re-casting the father role at Scooter's Pub on Thursday at 8 p.m.

Junior Building Inspector Closes Down Tree House

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Junior building inspector Thomas Spengler, 8, ordered the closure of a tree house owned by Jimmy Herman Monday. "The tree house will remain closed until improvements are made to its structure," Spengler said. "The rope ladder leading up to the house needs to be brought into compliance with local building codes. Also, the structural integrity of the clubhouse, wedged as it is into Old Man Kessler's oak tree, is compromised by the hastily added lookout post." Spengler threatened to close the tree house permanently should Herman fail to bring its tire swing up to code.

Things Are Starting To Turn Around

Hola, amigos. How's every little thing? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've barely had a chance to catch my breath these days. Ron hooked me up with a job at the carbonics plant where he works. For a while, I was the guy that cut blocks of dry ice. It was all right, but I didn't know Ron was gonna be my supervisor. I was able to put up with that for about two seconds before I stopped showing up. There's no way that mallethead is going to tell me what to do. He even wrote me up for being late.

Recreational Viagra Use

According to a recent study, recreational use of Viagra is on the rise among younger men who don't suffer from impotence. What do you think?
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Where Are You Now, When We Need You Most, Rage Against The Machine?

For nearly 10 years, Rage Against The Machine provided a voice for the disaffected, the disenfranchised, and the angry. Blending punk, pop, hip-hop, metal, and thrash, their music fought corporate America, cultural imperialism, and government oppression head on during a time when most of America was lulled into a Clinton-induced torpor. When Rage Against The Machine's cry for justice was amplified by a major-label debut in 1992, hundreds of thousands of American youths turned to them for guidance. Over the course of eight years, Rage released three original albums and one covers album, each a new and varied challenge, a 60-minute call to arms, a soul cry for the low and lost.

But then, in October of 2000, the unthinkable happened: Singer Zack De La Rocha left the band. On that fateful election night in November, there was no one to articulate the outrage and denounce the Supreme Cult's appointment of George W. Shrub to Commander-In-Thief. Where were you then, Rage Against The Machine? Where are you now?

Every album you released was a Declaration Of Independence for music fans no longer content with music that served only to entertain. Hearing the teeth-grinding post-metal riffs of "Sleep Now In The Fire," thousands awoke from MTV and Top 40 radio's 24-7 "pop-ulum somnalocasts." Every song, every lyric furthered your message. Your words about the war for oil in the Middle East were prophetic. You were an inspiration! What happened?

Now, of all times, we look to you for clear-eyed articulation of the fucked-up world we live in. The people of the sun still labor in Mexico, but no one plays bass about their struggles! Mumia sits in prison, yet no one sings for his freedom. What do we hear? Silence. You've abandoned us in our hour of need. How could you? Everywhere: exploitation. Where's the rock?

You summed it up so clearly in "Fistful Of Steel" when you sang, "If the vibe was suicide, then you would push da button, but if you're bowin' down, then let me do the cuttin'." You lifted the nation's youth up out of the mire and taught us to question, to act. Rage Against The Machine, come back. Bring us more slamming riffs and sonic wallop. Bring us more shredding and axing. Do that thing where you make your guitar sound like bagpipes.

Seriously, we need a healthy dose of your cuttin', or Bush will win. It's Vietnow, man, and just like you said before, America's getting its news-trients from the likes of Benito Hannity and Adolf Limbaugh. We need a musical antidote to the poison. This nation needs another bomb track to ignite it! We are lost, Rage Against The Machine. Where have you gone? The voice of the voiceless is silent.

Surely Zack has ample material for new songs. This empire couldn't be any more evil. What about Abu Ghraib? If ever anyone was sleeping in the fire, it was those prisoners. Zack, if you're listening, if you're reading this—we need you.

And where are you, Tom, Tim, and Brad? You bravely stood up for the dispossessed of the Third World, but in the current political climate, we are dispossessed in our own country. The erosion of our rights and liberties makes captives of us all. Do you no longer care? Did the machine defeat you?

I'm sorry. I got carried away. It's only my fear for the future that led me to question you. For if not you, then who will rage for us? Audioslave? They're only three-fourths of Rage Against The Machine, and you know it. Besides, they broke up. Limp Bizkit? Slipknot? They have the infectious energy, but aren't so vocal about saving the world from Dick Chicanery and Donald Grab-The-Money-And-Rumsfeld.

Only one band has the power to rage against the machine, and that is Rage Against The Machine. If you have any sort of a conscience, you will heed my call.

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