Who Are You Going To Believe—Me, Or That Encyclopedia Britannica 2005 Almanac?

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Vol 41 Issue 14

1998 Powerball Winner Returns To Food-Service Job

RAPID CITY, SD—In spite of winning an $18-million Powerball jackpot in 1998, William Berringer, 39, insisted on returning to his line-cook job at Nelson's Steak House Tuesday. "Winning all that money didn't change me," Berringer said. "I'm still the same Bill Berringer that I was before I hit the jackpot, then proceeded to spend it all on partying, bad stocks, and a Jamaican condominium." Berringer added that he hopes everyone at work will treat him the same way they always did, or at least the ones who were there when he quit his job the day after he won the jackpot.

'He's A Stockbroker,' Says Woman Who Finds That Exciting

NEW YORK—During a 12:30 luncheon with friends at Niko Niko Tuesday, Pamela Gordon, 27, described her recent date with 30-year-old stockbroker Ken Rosen. "Well, he's a stockbroker," Gordon said. "His name is Ken... He's really cute... And he was just promoted at Piper Jaffray!" Gordon's friends told reporters that she has not been this excited since she dated a producer in 2002.

Colombian Teen Going Through Anti-Government Guerilla Phase

BOGOTA, COLOMBIA—Like many Colombian teens, Juan Ardila, 15, is experiencing typical growing pains, characterized by mood swings, raging hormones, and a fervent allegiance to a squadron of leftist anti-government rebels, his 48-year-old father Rafael reported Monday. "I have told him that no good can come out of running with the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia," the elder Ardila said. "But he'll snap out of it. When I was his age, I was kidnapping state officials and car-bombing nightclubs in the name of Communism myself." Ardila said he expects Juan to grow bored of drug trafficking and extortion when and if he reaches adulthood.

Nation's Tall Asked To Stand In Back

WASHINGTON, DC—In a wide-reaching relocation of U.S. citizenry, all Americans above six feet tall were asked to please move to the back Monday. "Those fortunate enough to be blessed with stature, please step to the rear so that others may be able to see and be seen," said Nolan Mills, Secretary of the U.S. Department of Height. "Anyone willing to crouch or sit cross-legged on the ground is welcome to move to the front." This is the largest measure of its kind since 1993, when U.S. citizens were asked to not block the nation's doorways.

Terri Schiavo Dies Of Embarrassment

PINELLAS PARK, FL—Terri Schiavo, the shy woman whose self-image issues put her in a 15-year coma, died of embarrassment Thursday, the eyes of the entire world fixed upon her. "Terri, who had been extremely reserved before her debilitation, found herself trapped at the center of an epic legal battle that became the focus of the nation," said Dr. Kyle Williamson, who treated Schiavo several years ago. "The involvement of President Bush, Congress, and numerous church officials further complicated what might have been a simple right-to-die case, and made Terri's weight issues and family difficulties public knowledge. She finally succumbed to the embarrassment last week, at age 41." Specifics of Schiavo's dying breath and photos of the woman in her self-conscious 20s have been appearing in newspapers worldwide since her death.

Many Cancer Deaths Preventable

According to the American Cancer Society, more than 60 percent of all cancer deaths could be prevented if Americans lived healthier lives. What do you think?

Rising Oil Prices

Oil prices have reached an all-time high. How are increasing costs affecting daily live in America?

Horoscope for the week of April 6, 2005

Your stance on the health-care crisis tends to be rather conservative, but for the next few months, it will be heavily influenced by the steel bar protruding from your ribs.
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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

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Who Are You Going To Believe—Me, Or That Encyclopedia Britannica 2005 Almanac?

I'm not saying I know everything, but there are a lot of things I do know. To have you, someone I consider a friend, doubt my word isn't just insulting, it's hurtful. So let me ask you again: When it comes to the natural resources, topography, and percentage of arable land in several West African countries, who are you gonna believe—me, or that Encyclopedia Britannica Almanac 2005 with accompanying CD-ROM?

Goddamn it, Kelly! Would I second-guess you if the topic were women's shoes? It is the same.

Okay look, let's sort this out. Will you grant that you and I are friends? Good. And do you think that friends tell each other the truth? Me too. So, look me in the eye and listen: The natural resources of Senegal are peanuts and matches.

Oh Jesus, what is it with you and that Britannica? Put it down! I mean, I could understand it if I had been wrong in the past, but I haven't. When I told you that you shouldn't go out with Jason, was I right? And when I told you that you would find a better job, what happened? Kelly, I don't just pull this stuff out of my ass. I was right about Jason and your job, and Dennis Rodman was the NBA Defensive Player of the Year in 1992.

Is it the CD-ROM? Is that what this is about? Well, I have a CD, too. In fact, I have about 200 of them. So do you still insist that Allen County in Kansas has a population of 13,907?

I don't care what it says on page 673. You can't believe everything you read. That's what I've been saying this whole time. Jesus.

Am I talking to a brick wall? Did some alien inhabit your body and eat your brain for food? I'm telling you, the population is 13,237. My source? Well, it wasn't some book I picked up off the street, I'll tell you that much.

I mean, come on. You've known me for years. You've never even met editor Susana Darwin. Did you ever stop and wonder about her motivations? Did it even cross your mind that Susie D was paid to edit that book? I mean, put two and two together. Oh, is it ridiculous? I guess you read that in your precious almanac.

If the precious Encyclopedia Britannica Almanac 2005 with accompanying CD-ROM tells you that the principal cause of accidental death in Indiana is square dancing, are you going to believe it? Hey, guess what, I just read in your favorite book here that Chevy Novas run on grape soda. Isn't that interesting? Well, no, I didn't read that in there, but if I had, you would probably believe it.

Is this about my not returning those videos? It is, isn't it? You're mad I forgot to return your videos last week, and so now you're saying the Veterans Affairs office took in $59,832 in 2003.

I don't want to fight with you. But next time you need someone to take care of your cats, don't come a-knockin'. Cats, a pet present in 14.3 percent of American households in 2004, by the way.

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