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Who Swoons Over 'New Moon'?

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Who Swoons Over 'New Moon'?

Item! Guess which vampire franchise is…hold on. I'm going to let you finish, but first let me say that Jackie Harvey is the greatest entertainment columnist ever! I'm sorry, I couldn't resist! This Halloween I went as interrupting rapper Kane West, and I guess I'm still in character a little bit. But I don't want you to think I went in blackface or anything like that. It was very tasteful. Also, I don't want to give the impression that by dressing like him and repeating his words I endorse what he did. Just the opposite: I think his actions at the Grammys were totally out of line. In any case, my costume was great, and it won third place at the Halloween party I went to.

All joking aside, New Moon comes out this week! And if you don't know what that is, what, have you been living in a box? Perhaps…a coffin? It's the next installment in the vampire movie series that teaches good values and judgment, duh! I've been waiting for this ever since falling in love with the love story of Bella and Edward in the first movie. And who could blame me? All that chemistry between Kristen Stewart and Robert Patterson burns up the screen. If you're like me and just can't wait, you should know that they've made book adaptations of the movies available. They're very long, and they tend to be a little repetitive, but they've adapted installments that aren't even out yet! That's dedication.

Is it just me, or was that whole revelation about Mackenzie Phillips having intercourse with her dad pretty gross? That's one book I'm leaving on the shelves.

Item! I am just glued to the television on Sundays lately. Where have you been all my life, Amazing Race? I just started watching this season, because I heard the show would feature members of the Harlem Globetrotters, and I love it. I'm up and down in my seat the whole time, and I've grown to care deeply for each team. If you want my prediction, even though Gary and Matt say they're there to win, I think Megan and Shane are also there to win, and they want it more. But in the end, I think it's going to come back to the Globetrotters, because if there's one thing they know, it's "globe-trotting!"

I was just wondering: If I went to an Eastern European Country, would George Clooney be pronounced "Yorg Clooney?" If someone could get back to me with that info, that would be great. I need it for a project I'm working on.

Item! Never-say-die girl Sandra Bullock came back with a vengeance this summer, in not one but TWO hilarious movies. And soon, she'll be reprising two of her classic roles…in the same movie! You heard it here first. In a move that only Eddie Murphy could pull off, Bullock has signed on for a new film in which she will portray both Gracie Hart from Miss Congeniality and Annie from Speed. How they will pull off this crossover is a mystery, but the movie promises to tie up loose ends from both series, be highly action-packed, and give us a lot of hilarious double takes.

Sesame Street turned 40 this month! I wish I could have been at the party. I would love to meet Mr. Hooper and Guy Smiley.

Item! By now you've all heard that Steven Tyler is leaving Aerosmith, the band that's so bawdy and rocking they even make riding in elevators sound sexy. Well, I have an Outside Scoop Exclusive™ for you: The band is auditioning new singers, and the frontrunner is Tyler's own daughter, Liv "One Night At McCool's" Tyler! Just think about it. She has the looks, the voice, and the last name. Who else could pull it off? And if it winds up not being true, I can always "Dream Away."

I know I should buy a CD by Lady Gaga because she is very popular, but I'm still not sure she has the staying power of the Human League. Besides, I'm saving up for the new Beatles box set CDs. I've heard that I haven't heard the Beatles until I've paid for all their music one more time!

I hate this time between leaf season and snow season. It's too cold for hot cider and too warm for hot toddies.

Well, that is all the space I have this week for your cool news and hot gossip. Make sure to stop by next time, when I have an exclusive one-on-one with the set dresser for Home For The Holidays. Until then, I'll be there, in the back row, with a box of popcorn and a large drink…on the Outside!

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