Who Wants To Be A Jeanketeer?

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Vol 36 Issue 06

Witty Remark Repeated Throughout Week

HIBBING, MN–According to coworkers at Hibbing Vacuum Repair & Supply, all week long, Ed Andersen has been repeating a witty remark he made Monday. The original quip surfaced when Andersen spotted ordinarily dowdy coworker Jim Billick sporting a tie and remarked, "Hot date tonight, Jimbo?" Later that day, Andersen saw Billick in the break room and told coworker Lydia Samuels, "Old loverboy here's got a hot date tonight." When Billick arrived at work Tuesday, Andersen asked him, "So, how'd your hot date go?"

Cocktail-Party Guest Cornered By Joel Stein

NEW YORK–An innocent Upper West Side cocktail party turned tragic Tuesday, when journalist Michael Conlon found himself cornered by Time magazine columnist Joel Stein. "There I was, making light conversation and sipping a dry white wine, when, all of a sudden, I heard those four fateful words: 'Hi, I'm Joel Stein,'" a visibly shaken Conlon said following the 45-minute ordeal. "We covered a wide range of topics, from Joel Stein's favorite restaurants to Joel Stein's dating prospects, to anecdotes about famous people Joel Stein had met." According to witnesses, Stein paused briefly at several intervals to make sure Conlon was still nodding politely before launching back into his otherwise non-stop conversational stream. Conlon is said to be "recovering well" after an overnight stay at Mt. Sinai Hospital and should return to the cocktail-party circuit by early next week.

Innocent Man Unrepentant

WARNER ROBINS, GA–Dwayne Worley, wrongly accused in the brutal Feb. 11 slaying of two Warner Robins teens, showed "not the slightest remorse" during cross-examination by prosecutors Monday. Witnesses at the trial said the innocent man denied all wrongdoing in "a flat, unemotional voice that displayed not a trace of regret or shame." Said prosecutor Russell Sharp: "Worley is a monster, an inhuman monster. What kind of man could react so indifferently to such brutality?" Worley, who calmly repeated that he was at a friend's house at the time of the double homicide, was likened to such sociopaths as Charles Manson and Adolf Hitler by a psychiatric expert called upon to evaluate his mental state. If convicted, Worley is expected to face the death penalty.

Converse High Tops Reveal TV Character's Eccentric Personality

LOS ANGELES–"Wally," the wacky-neighbor character on the ABC sitcom Mixing It Up, is identifiable as offbeat and eccentric by his red Converse "Chuck Taylor" high tops, it was reported Monday. "Wally is what you might call 'out there,'" producer David Dahl said. "He's the type of guy who marches to the beat of a different drummer. If you have any doubt, please direct your attention to his footwear." Dahl said Wally was originally supposed to wear one red high top and one blue one, but "we decided that would be going too far."

Area 31-Year-Old Can't Believe 'You Must Be Born Before This Date To Buy Cigarettes' Sign Up To 1982

KIRKLAND, WA–Purchasing a pack of Camel Reds at a local convenience store, 31-year-old Kirkland resident Andy Belfour announced Monday that he "can't fucking believe" the "You Must Be Born Before This Date To Buy Cigarettes" sign is already up to 1982. "Christ, I was a freshman in high school in '82," Belfour said. "Now, kids born that year are old enough to smoke? God, I feel so old." Belfour went on to recall that 1982 was the year The Replacements Stink came out, an album he bought on vinyl and played that whole summer while dating Alison Haiduk, his first girlfriend. He then ran his hands through his thinning hair.

My Mind Is As Sharp As It Ever Was

As I grow increasingly ancient, and therefore more prone to the rapacious violations of that great pervert Father Time, I become imprisoned in my own loath-some flesh. My fore-arms have mostly succumbed to the leprosy, my iron dentures periodically rust together, and, just yesterday, I was awakened from a sound sleep by the concussive gun-shot sounds of boils bursting off my calves.

Stop Smoking Tips

Millions of Americans are addicted to smoking. If you are among them but don't want to be, here are some tips to help you kick the habit.

That Female Looks Capable Of Passing On My Genetic Material

Whoa, mama. Time out. Will you take a look at what just stepped up to the bar? Those hips. Those legs. Those breasts. That is one seriously fine-looking woman. I can think of a few things I could do with a body like that, no doubt. Yes, sir, now there's a female of my species who'd be more than capable of passing on my genetic material.
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Who Wants To Be A Jeanketeer?

Okay, kids, sharpen your pencils and get out a piece of paper, because it's pop-quiz time! I know, I know: You're all thinking, "Pop quiz? We read Jean's column as an escape from our dreary day-to-day routine! Now she wants us to take a boring old pop quiz?" But, hey, it's not a quiz about the chemical elements or who fought in the Civil War or anything. It's none other than the First Annual Jean Teasdale Trivia Challenge!

I got the idea from watching all those millionaire game shows. Let me tell you, I don't know where they come up with some of those questions! On one episode of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Regis asked some guy what the Michelin Man's real name was. Huh? Isn't it just "The Michelin Man"? Nope! Turns out it's–get this–"Bibendum"! Who in the world would know that?

Well, in my quiz, I promise you won't have any questions about Bibendum. But you sure as heck will have questions about all things Teasdalian. So, all you would-be Jeanketeers, here's your chance to show how much you really know about your old pal Jean!

There are six questions below, worth 100 points total. The score rankings are listed at the bottom of the column. Be warned, though: Some of these are real stumpers! (And shame on you if you peek at the answers first!) Here goes!

Question #1: What is my middle name? (5 points)

I'm not surprised if you don't know this one, because I've never told you! It's "Meleanne." Pretty unusual, huh? I got it because my parents wanted my middle name to be "Melanie," but they spelled it wrong when they gave it to the priest when I was baptized. Hubby Rick always teases me about it. "Why can't you have it legally changed to the right way? It looks stupid spelled like that," he says. (Leave it to him to be so narrow-minded!) Anyway, after years of hating my middle name, I now love it. It's very original and imaginative, and it makes me feel unique! Besides, you can only beat yourself up for so long over your imperfections. Eventually, it's time to accept them and move on. (Except I ain't giving up my chocolate without a fight!)

Question #2: Where did I work before I got my job at SouthCentral Insurance? (10 points)

I temped at Little Miss History Dolls & Stories as a customer-service rep. At long last, I thought I'd landed my dream job, one that combined my love of doll collecting and my lack of skills. Unfortunately, the company decided that after the Christmas rush, there was no need for all the extra people they took on, so your old pal Jean was out on her keister! That was really a shame, considering I still owed several hundred dollars for all the dolls I'd bought. (Two years later, I'm still paying it off! Sheesh!)

Question #3: What got me fired from my job at SouthCentral Insurance last summer? (15 points)

I bought a Miss Beasley doll from eBay on my supervisor's computer, and I was found out! (My doll addiction sure gets me in trouble!)

Question #4: Who did I dress up as for Halloween in 1996? (20 points)

Good old Mama Cass of the Mamas And The Papas! In fact, in recent years, she's the only person I've gone trick-or-treating as. (Let's just say I've grown into the part!) But no one ever seems to guess who I'm supposed to be. People have guessed everything from a hippie to a teenage runaway to–get this–Mimi from The Drew Carey Show! Puh-leeze! Never mind that my mumu looks just like the one Mama Cass wore at that Monterey festival! Anyway, it's gotten so bad that I've stopped going to Halloween parties. (Not that I've been invited to any lately, anyway!) Instead, I stay home and give out candy, but I still dress up as Mama Cass. (Hubby Rick likes to say that even though people don't know who I'm dressed up as, at least it gives the trick-or-treaters a good scare! Har-dee-har, Rick!)

Question #5: What's the name of my guardian angel? (25 points)

Way before Touched By An Angel was on TV, I knew from personal experience how great angels were. They're beautiful and caring, and it's very comforting to know that there's always one looking after you. True, I've never seen my guardian angel, but I have felt his presence. At first, it was a kind of subconscious thing, but one day in 1994, something happened to me that completely convinced me I had one.

I was doing laundry in the basement of our apartment complex, and as I was folding one of my Disney sweatshirts, I felt this incredible, overpowering sensation of warmth throughout my body. At first, I thought it was the heat from the dryer, but it was just soooo powerful! Then, out of the blue, a voice in my head said, "Ferdinando says hello." Then, the sensation went away. You'd think I would have been scared, but instead I felt so good and serene! I put two and two together, and decided that my guardian angel was giving me a hug, and that his name was Ferdinando!

Isn't that amazing? I swear, never in a thousand years would I have ever thought of the name Ferdinando. It sounds like one of those Italian-type names, and the Italians are the people who made those pretty angel paintings hundreds of years ago! Considering all that, how could anyone deny that this was my guardian angel speaking to me?

Question #6: What was the song played at my cousin Michelle's wedding in 1992? (25 points)

"Wind Beneath My Wings," or "Did You Ever Know That You're My Hero?" (I can never remember which is the name of the song, so I'll give credit for either.)

Well, I told you this quiz would be pretty tough! The first question doesn't really count, unless you guessed it out of the blue, but if you scored 90 to 100 points, consider yourself a true-blue Jeanketeer of the first order! If you scored 70 to 90 points, you've just won a scholarship to the University of Jean! From 40 to 70 points, you have potential, but keep studying! And if you got anything 40 points or below, I sentence you to a day drinking at Tacky's Tavern with hubby Rick! (A fate worse than death!)

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