adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Who Wants To Be A Jeanketeer?

Okay, kids, sharpen your pencils and get out a piece of paper, because it's pop-quiz time! I know, I know: You're all thinking, "Pop quiz? We read Jean's column as an escape from our dreary day-to-day routine! Now she wants us to take a boring old pop quiz?" But, hey, it's not a quiz about the chemical elements or who fought in the Civil War or anything. It's none other than the First Annual Jean Teasdale Trivia Challenge!

I got the idea from watching all those millionaire game shows. Let me tell you, I don't know where they come up with some of those questions! On one episode of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Regis asked some guy what the Michelin Man's real name was. Huh? Isn't it just "The Michelin Man"? Nope! Turns out it's–get this–"Bibendum"! Who in the world would know that?

Well, in my quiz, I promise you won't have any questions about Bibendum. But you sure as heck will have questions about all things Teasdalian. So, all you would-be Jeanketeers, here's your chance to show how much you really know about your old pal Jean!

There are six questions below, worth 100 points total. The score rankings are listed at the bottom of the column. Be warned, though: Some of these are real stumpers! (And shame on you if you peek at the answers first!) Here goes!

Question #1: What is my middle name? (5 points)

I'm not surprised if you don't know this one, because I've never told you! It's "Meleanne." Pretty unusual, huh? I got it because my parents wanted my middle name to be "Melanie," but they spelled it wrong when they gave it to the priest when I was baptized. Hubby Rick always teases me about it. "Why can't you have it legally changed to the right way? It looks stupid spelled like that," he says. (Leave it to him to be so narrow-minded!) Anyway, after years of hating my middle name, I now love it. It's very original and imaginative, and it makes me feel unique! Besides, you can only beat yourself up for so long over your imperfections. Eventually, it's time to accept them and move on. (Except I ain't giving up my chocolate without a fight!)

Question #2: Where did I work before I got my job at SouthCentral Insurance? (10 points)

I temped at Little Miss History Dolls & Stories as a customer-service rep. At long last, I thought I'd landed my dream job, one that combined my love of doll collecting and my lack of skills. Unfortunately, the company decided that after the Christmas rush, there was no need for all the extra people they took on, so your old pal Jean was out on her keister! That was really a shame, considering I still owed several hundred dollars for all the dolls I'd bought. (Two years later, I'm still paying it off! Sheesh!)

Question #3: What got me fired from my job at SouthCentral Insurance last summer? (15 points)

I bought a Miss Beasley doll from eBay on my supervisor's computer, and I was found out! (My doll addiction sure gets me in trouble!)

Question #4: Who did I dress up as for Halloween in 1996? (20 points)

Good old Mama Cass of the Mamas And The Papas! In fact, in recent years, she's the only person I've gone trick-or-treating as. (Let's just say I've grown into the part!) But no one ever seems to guess who I'm supposed to be. People have guessed everything from a hippie to a teenage runaway to–get this–Mimi from The Drew Carey Show! Puh-leeze! Never mind that my mumu looks just like the one Mama Cass wore at that Monterey festival! Anyway, it's gotten so bad that I've stopped going to Halloween parties. (Not that I've been invited to any lately, anyway!) Instead, I stay home and give out candy, but I still dress up as Mama Cass. (Hubby Rick likes to say that even though people don't know who I'm dressed up as, at least it gives the trick-or-treaters a good scare! Har-dee-har, Rick!)

Question #5: What's the name of my guardian angel? (25 points)

Way before Touched By An Angel was on TV, I knew from personal experience how great angels were. They're beautiful and caring, and it's very comforting to know that there's always one looking after you. True, I've never seen my guardian angel, but I have felt his presence. At first, it was a kind of subconscious thing, but one day in 1994, something happened to me that completely convinced me I had one.

I was doing laundry in the basement of our apartment complex, and as I was folding one of my Disney sweatshirts, I felt this incredible, overpowering sensation of warmth throughout my body. At first, I thought it was the heat from the dryer, but it was just soooo powerful! Then, out of the blue, a voice in my head said, "Ferdinando says hello." Then, the sensation went away. You'd think I would have been scared, but instead I felt so good and serene! I put two and two together, and decided that my guardian angel was giving me a hug, and that his name was Ferdinando!

Isn't that amazing? I swear, never in a thousand years would I have ever thought of the name Ferdinando. It sounds like one of those Italian-type names, and the Italians are the people who made those pretty angel paintings hundreds of years ago! Considering all that, how could anyone deny that this was my guardian angel speaking to me?

Question #6: What was the song played at my cousin Michelle's wedding in 1992? (25 points)

"Wind Beneath My Wings," or "Did You Ever Know That You're My Hero?" (I can never remember which is the name of the song, so I'll give credit for either.)

Well, I told you this quiz would be pretty tough! The first question doesn't really count, unless you guessed it out of the blue, but if you scored 90 to 100 points, consider yourself a true-blue Jeanketeer of the first order! If you scored 70 to 90 points, you've just won a scholarship to the University of Jean! From 40 to 70 points, you have potential, but keep studying! And if you got anything 40 points or below, I sentence you to a day drinking at Tacky's Tavern with hubby Rick! (A fate worse than death!)

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close