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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Who Will Carry On My PlayStation 2 Adventures After I'm Gone?

I'll admit, I've had a good run. Done pretty much everything I wanted, accomplished almost everything I set out to do. I fought my way to the top of the criminal hierarchy of two cities, saved the world from unspeakably evil magical and technological conspiracies, went to six Super Bowls, and unified ancient China under three different dynasties. It's a legacy any man would be proud of, yet it is one that raises an obvious question: Who will carry on my PlayStation 2 adventures after I'm gone?

I know, I know, I'm still young. It's a bit premature to be thinking of my own mortality. But seeing so much pointless death does something to you. Especially if you've ever died and forgotten to save after narrowly defeating Ultima Weapon, wasting hours of back-breaking, finger-numbing toil. You start thinking about how death comes to everyone eventually. You think about how, even after finding every last hidden package in Vice City, there's still so much left to do. And you realize that nothing, not even the original Xenogears, lasts forever.

Which brings us back to the question: Who will carry on my legacy? I live alone, never having taken a wife. How could I have? My life of polygon-based adventures has left me no time for anyone else. A marriage takes work, and no woman could have my full attention. And that is not likely to change, considering that Metal Gear Solid: Snake Eater was just announced last week.

But even if I don't last forever, my accomplishments will. I refuse to believe that everything I've built on the bones of a thousand Iron Fist Tournament fighters, on the shattered hulks of a thousand giant robots, on the ruins of three separate Metal Gear bases will one day disappear. No, if I believed that, I'd stop playing right now. Or at least right after getting the Tracer Tong/New Dark Age ending on Deus Ex, which shouldn't take more than an hour, even if I don't check GameFAQs to see where the damn Reactor Purge switch is hidden.

Yes, I may pass from the world without a successor, but I will not go into that good night unaccomplished. My five full memory cards of Complete and 100 Percent Finished game saves will ensure that.

There is still hope that I will find a woman and, with her, sire an heir to continue my work. But I'm not getting any younger. I first noticed it in little ways, such as my loss of appreciation for the Mario titles. When I grew apart from Nintendo and its cartoon games, it was part of the maturation process, a sign of my readiness for a more sophisticated, grown-up gaming system. Someday, the PlayStation 2 will no longer be enough for me, and I'll put it aside and go on to other systems without regret—especially since Sony's next system will probably be backwards-compatible with older games, as the PS2 was with PS1 titles. When I do, I will be one step closer to that Final Level we all eventually reach.

Even without a clear heir, there are ways for me to leave my mark on the next generation. I can be a mentor, serving as a master to some worthy apprentice. If nothing else, I could always pass on my wisdom as that fatherly guy behind the trade-in counter of the local game store. But whatever form my legacy takes, I firmly believe that someone will continue my work in some fashion. If there's one thing I learned from Parappa The Rapper, it's that you gotta believe.

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