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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Who Will Win the Base-Ball Matches?

My nurse informs me that it is now the autumn-time, which to every red-blooded American boy means the season in which the professional base-ball sporting clubs vie for a berth in the great Championship Series of the World. I predict that the Knickerbockers will give those accursed Red Stockings a sound thrashing. Of course, we can't count out the great Pie Traynor and his Philadelphia Peglegs.

Nothing is more American than the base-ball matches! I love the excited roar of the teeming crowd, the taste of the braunschweiger sandwiches and the scent of the wooden bleachers. When I see a group of immigrant boys playing a crude match of rounders in the streets of the village, I feel pride for the assimilating spirit of the sport. I have the constubalary arrest them for vagrancy, but I am proud nonetheless.

Sadly, however, the great base-ball is being threatened by a new amusement called hoop-the-ball. My nurse, for one, enjoys listening to the matches upon the small wireless she tries to secret from me in her vast skirts.

This game involves the placement of a large, inflated boar-skin sphere into a peach basket with the bottom cut out of it, which is suspended from a barn roof. Two teams of roughs, clothed in only their union-suits, attempt to wrest the boar-skin from each other's possession.

It is no wonder that hoop-the-ball, with its primitive objective, appeals to the criminal element. Base-ball consists of complex rules which require a strong intellectual and moral underpinning. But the confusing, unruly way in which the hoop-the-ball teams mill about the playing field only underscores the sport's moral and cerebral weakness.

What's more, the hoop-the-ball teams seem more interested in selling their crude footwear to the public than engaging in their lowly recreation.

If our base-ball players were to follow such an example, they might end up demanding to have their own personal galvanized steel buckets for tobacco-spitting and perhaps even their names and likenesses printed on small cardboard lithographs which accompany samples of chewing gum. Don't say you weren't warned, base-ball owners!

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