Wholesome Summer Past-times For The Youth

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Vol 31 Issue 21

Model Railroading A Harsh Mistress

UTICA, NY—Tom Collins, a 49-year-old data technician and father of seven, announced Monday that model railroading is a harsh mistress. "Model railroading, like the Sea, can be a kind lady, but make no mistake, she can also be a cold and angry harpy," Collins said. "In times of yore, men tested their mettle against the Sea, but in these modern times, a man proves his virility one way only: building, maintaining and running a model-railroad set-up in his garage or den." Collins advised using Testor's-brand epoxy glue for miniature trees and letting them dry for at least 24 hours.

Area Teens Find Once-In-A-Lifetime Love

VALDOSTA, GA—Despite living in a harsh, unaccepting world in which their dads won't let them have the car past 11 p.m. on Fridays, area teens Brianna Fahey and Kurt Mulroney have found true, once-in-a-lifetime love in each other. "We have something that many never find, no matter how long they look: our soulmates," the teens, who have been officially 'going out' since May, said Thursday. "No other love could ever be as special as ours." When asked what was so special about their relationship, Fahey said, "I totally love Karl. He wants to have sex all the time, and I even want to let him. That kind of connection only happens when it's true love." The couple expects their first baby in approximately eight months.

Rat Fancy Magazine Fails To Catch On

NEW YORK—Despite massive market-saturation and advance promotion, the first three issues of Rat Fancy, a new monthly magazine devoted to rats and the people who love them, has failed to generate the level of consumer interest necessary to continue publishing, editor Frankie DelGabrio said Monday. "Despite being packed with rat photos, true-life stories about rats, and helpful rat-care tips, it somehow hasn't found its audience," DelGabrio said. "The June issue, which features a precious, full-color centerfold of a hungry rat family approaching a sleeping baby in its crib, will sadly be the magazine's last." Added DelGabrio, "I love sweet, cuddly rats with all my heart."

Rupert Murdoch Acquires Cable

LOS ANGELES—Media-industry giant Rupert Murdoch made perhaps his most significant move ever Monday, acquiring cable for his L.A.-area mansion for an estimated $35 a month. "This puts me in strong TV-watching position well into the next century," said Murdoch, who, according to a Wall Street Journal report, also paid a $50 hook-up fee as part of the deal. "With some 50 channels now in my possession, my vast media empire cannot be rivaled." Murdoch acquired the stations by using his vast holdings and market influence as leverage against his local cable provider, who, sources say, approved the deal within four to five seconds. Murdoch promised that the cable acquisition will pave the way for "a historic ass-couch merger."

U.S. Anachronism At 'All Time High,' Says Truman

INDEPENDENCE, MO—At a press conference Monday, former president Harry S Truman declared that U.S. anachronism levels are at "an all-time high." Responding to the recent rash of jitterbugging, British taxation without representation, and talk of the Teapot Dome scandal, the deceased leader called on all citizens to "join me and Bess in saving up scrap iron for the war so our boys over there can drive the Spanish back." Truman also urged citizens to use caution when using whale-blubber-burning oil lamps.

Bill Gates Grants Self 18 Dexterity, 20 Charisma

REDMOND, WA—Microsoft head Bill Gates, already considered by many to be among the most powerful men in the world, further increased his powers Monday, augmenting several of his key statistics to near-immortal levels.
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Wholesome Summer Past-times For The Youth

It has been brought to my attention that the Republic's children are dismissed from school for the summer, making them vulnerable to indulgence, sloth, gluttony, and the enticements of various confidence tricksters.

Some, I've even been told, have lately been pre-occupied with bizarre games of skill contained in boxes no bigger than their hands and fired with the electrical power. The perverse object of these electrical challenges is to shoot pretend bullets at moon-men and their traveling vessels, subduing them as though they were the Spanish or some other enemy of the Republic. I am very much opposed to the use of mechanical objects for pleasure, and call for these electrical games to be disassembled.

But I realize that a boy needs to play. My own boy-hood was one of the best any American could have had, for I was a plucky young shaver who engaged in nothing but the most wholesome and vigorous activities! How fondly I recall the merry sports my manly little chums and I would play. Our days were boisterous and full as we played endless games of Mumblety-Peg, Blind-Man's Bluff and Slap-the-Quaker!

My favorite game was called "Cromwell's Siege." It required 10 players, with one player assuming the part of Cromwell (usually myself), who would then choose eight others as his army. The game began with Cromwell crying:

Jig, jig, jig,
My fat greasy pig,
Please to fetch the butcher
Zig, zig, zig!

Cromwell and his army then approached a crude barricade of sod, behind which the remaining player, bound tightly with rope, hid. Kerosene would be poured over the barricade and the whole thing set aflame. As the opponent desperately tried to wriggle away from the swirling conflagration, Cromwell and his men would pelt him with offal. Finally, the opponent was loosed, stripped naked and hung upside-down from a cottonwood-tree.

O for the lost glories of boy-hood! If only the youth of today engaged in such activities, our Republic's future would be safe for generations to come!

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