adBlockCheck

Who's Going To Clean Up This Romantic Gesture?

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

Originality

Who's Going To Clean Up This Romantic Gesture?

When I walked through the door last night, red and pink rose petals were scattered across the vestibule and up the stairs to the bedroom. How inconsiderate can one husband get? I could have slipped and broken my neck! Fortunately, the cloying, sickly-sweet odor of roses gave the petals away, and I was able to spot them before my heel slipped.

Besides that, when the hot air from the wall registers blow them all around, I'll be the one to spend a couple hours with a vacuum attachment bending beside the bed and under the dresser and most likely screwing up my lower back some more.

Welcome to another romantic Valentine's Day at the Elizabeth and Jeremy Gallo residence! Every year it's the same insensitive disregard all over again.

Like, couldn't he at least have put a plate under the chocolate he left on my pillow? Chocolate stains, you know. Doesn't he realize that these are 400-count percale sheets?

We have a dog, for God's sake, and every responsible dog owner knows that chocolate is poisonous to dogs. Did Jeremy want to spend an evening getting Mimosa's stomach pumped? Did he want Mimosa to die?

Sometimes it seems like all he ever thinks about is himself.

Oh, and the lit candles surrounding the bathtub: real nice touch. Hot wax drips, and eventually hardens, until you have to practically take a chisel to it to get it off and risk gouging the acrylic surface. The two-person bathtub was Jeremy's idea, as I recall. I was perfectly content with just the shower stall. In fact, that's what I use, oh, about 100 percent of the time. If it were up to me, I'd use that dumb tub to store cleaning supplies and spare towels. But I guess it will eventually help the resale value of our home, if we can find a couple that's into that sort of thing.

Why can't Jeremy and I have a normal Valentine's Day like most people?

At least this year, there was no Peruvian band serenading me from beneath our bedroom window at 11 p.m., just as we were about to go to bed. Contrary to what Jeremy assumed, no, it did not make me recall our first meeting at the free international-music outdoor concert on our college quad. A thousand times no, I do not remember the sketch he drew of me in his sociology notebook as we sat on the lawn. Frankly, it wasn't so much "love at first sight" on my part as, "Hmm, should I see this guy or Neil?"

Anyway, this awful Peruvian band was strumming and wheezing away—one of them had an accordion!—down below, and I couldn't believe Jeremy's complete callousness toward our neighbors, all of whom have jobs to go to in the morning. Wouldn't it have been lovely if we had received a visit from the police? We would have looked quite attractive in our ill-fitting nylon teddy and heart-covered boxer shorts—not my idea—in a police lineup.

I'll spare you the more embarrassing details. If there were one thing I could change about Jeremy, it would be his annoying habit of always putting his own desire to treat me with overwhelming love and compassion ahead of anybody else's feelings. There are other people in the world, you know!

Sometimes, when Jeremy's on one of his "I love you" tears, I feel like locking myself in the bathroom and wedging myself between the tub and toilet until it blows over. Because the next thing I know, I'm on a moonlit carriage ride the night I was hoping to hit the hay early and get up and have the oil changed before work.

Every time Jeremy decides to launch into one of his little "romantic gestures," it's just more hassle, hassle, hassle for me. When is he going to get the message?

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close