Who's Gonna Hallo-wean My Kids Off All This Candy?

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Who's Gonna Hallo-wean My Kids Off All This Candy?

I've got a little joke for you, loyal readers. Now, I know what you're all thinking: "A joke in your column, Roger? Why, it's going to be lonelier than a cannibal at an All-You-Can-Eat restaurant!" But seriously, hear me out. This one will have you howling like a pack of hyenas.

What's more frightening than my mother-in-law in a Jane from Tarzan loincloth costume?


Well, you guessed it! It's that spooky time of year again, readers. When bloodsucking monsters come out of the shadows to drain the life out of their helpless victims! No, not tax season! It's Halloween! The leaves are changing, there's a jack-o'-lantern in every driveway, and my kids are so full of candy I could sell them as piñatas! I'm telling you, they've had more sugar go through them than the Caribbean.

Right now my kids are 25% Polish, 10% Dutch, and 50% nougat!

Like we do every Halloween, the Dudek family took to the streets of our spook-tacular neighborhood in full costume. I decided to treat folks to my oh-so-popular plumber costume from two years ago—just couldn't resist cracking it out again, if you know what I mean! My daughters went as something called a Miley Cyrus, whatever monster that is. All I know is my wife, Rosemary, took them to the mall to buy clothes for their costumes and when they got home, they didn't look too scary at all. But then again, I haven't seen my credit card bill yet. Yikes!

But seriously, my girls sure do know how to score piles of Halloween candy. I think it's all in their strategy. Most kids go from house to house yelling "trick or treat"…and my kids don't give people the option! Heck, the only "trick" my kids know is visiting every house twice.

And once they get the candy, there's no slowing them down. I'd "Snicker" about it, but the way the twins have been filling out these past few years, they're going to get so "Chunky" the legs of their desk chairs are going to "Crunch." I'm telling you, I hope I'm going to get my "Pay Day" soon because these medical bills are going to cost me "100 Grand"! "Oh Henry!" Somebody better think of their "Heath!"

But on the bright side, Rosemary joined us for the first time since the dreaded Stillbirth on Clarendon Street. For the last couple Halloweens she's stayed at home while I take the girls around the neighborhood. I thought she was giving out candy to the neighbor kids, but it turns out, due to an unpleasant episode with some Christmas carolers a few years back, the kids don't stop at our house anymore because they think she's a witch. Now that's ridiculous….

My wife wouldn't go near a broom!

But staying at home wasn't going to be on the menu this year. No, sir! I got up my nerve, walked straight into her bedroom, and told her, "Honey, as one zombie said to another, 'Have some brains!' Why lie in bed all day when you can be outside trick-or-treating? It's the one day a year you can be surrounded by a bunch of half-dead ghouls and goblins—without visiting Capitol Hill!"

It took some convincing, but I finally managed to get Rosemary to come along by telling her she didn't have to change out of the oversized maternity clothes she's taken to wearing for the past few months. We'd just say she was dressed as the female Jared! You know, from the Subway commercials? It got so many laughs from the neighbors, I'm kind of irked I didn't think of it for myself.

Oh well, I guess there's always next Halloween. That is, if I'm still among the living. WhooOOOooo! Oh, don't worry, loyal readers. I'm not the least bit afraid of being torn limb from limb by a group of hideous, inhuman monsters….

Sounds like an average Thanksgiving with my in-laws! Have a happy Thanksgiving, everybody!