adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Why Am I Always The One To Get Chlamydia?

I don't get it. I'm a good person who lives an honest life and is nice to people, yet for some reason, I seem to have the worst luck: My toast always falls jam-side down, the one day it rains is always the day I leave my windows open, and the one time I have unprotected sex in a public-beach changing room, I end up with chlamydia! What gives?

Yes, every single year, I go for my annual gyno visit and, without fail, I find out I've got chlamydia again. Why am I always the one to get chlamydia? It's just not fair!

It's not like I'm any more sexually active than the average girl. My best friend Amy has sex with her boyfriend almost every single night, and she's never had it. Me, I'll be lucky if I have 20 one-night stands in an entire year! So if she's having sex at least 10 times as often as me, why hasn't she ever had it? Did I do something wrong in a past life? I don't think I've done anything recently to deserve being cursed with chronic chlamydia. I guess I'm just a chlamydia magnet or something.

I know what you're probably thinking: Sharon's so dumb, she never got her first infection cleared up. Well, that's just not true. Sure, I was totally freaked when I first got it back in 1995. (I thought I was going to go blind or crazy or something.) But when my doctor told me that, if caught early, chlamydia is easily cured with just a day's worth of antibiotics, I was totally relieved. Thank goodness my first experience wasn't like the time I caught that rare strain of Southeast Asian chlamydia. Lying in that hospital bed with my urethra on fire made me appreciate how easy it was to get rid the normal chlamydia I usually get.

I'm not irresponsible, either. I take care of myself, because I totally wouldn't want to spread it to other people. Especially cute guys. There's nothing more embarrassing than getting a call from some hottie you picked up at the bar last month accusing you of giving him chlamydia. Once that happens to you half a dozen times, you start to get real careful and make sure you go to the doctor as soon as you see symptoms.

And it's not like I don't have standards. I tend to go for preppy, Abercrombie & Fitch-type guys, the kind who'd be very unlikely to have an STD. Plus, I almost always have them use a condom if they don't swear up and down that they're clean. So what's the deal?

We've all been there. I mean, I'm hardly the only one out there having oral, vaginal, and anal sexual contact. I'm just the one who winds up with a pus-like discharge shooting out of my hoo-hoo.

Sometimes, I think it's my family's fault. The Glauber clan is cursed. My dad died in a drunk-driving accident when I was 5, and my mom is just plain crazy. She actually got pregnant when she was 40 after dating a guy she worked with for a week. She even kept the baby. That's why I'm on the pill. I've been more or less lucky on that front (don't ask), yet I've got to admit that this chlamydia thing gets me down. Maybe if I came from a different family, I might have better luck.

Oh, listen to me pissing and moaning: "My family's crazy"... "I wish I was luckier"... "I'm always contracting chlamydia." Everybody's got problems. It's not like I'm starving on the street without a penny to my name. I've got good friends, a good job, and a halfway-decent sex life. Maybe instead of whining about how much I seem to get chlamydia, I should be thankful for the times I don't have it.

I must say, I would probably have a more positive attitude about the whole chlamydia thing if I didn't have it right now. But, as they say, the grass is always greener on the STD-free side of the fence, right?

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close