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Why Can't I Have A Mistress Too?

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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

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EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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Why Can't I Have A Mistress Too?

I have often been asked if I regret anything about my life. The answer is no! If I were to do it over again, I'd do it all the same! After all, it was I who transformed The Onion from an obscure frontier news-paper with a reader-ship composed mainly of Mennonites to a bustling daily with a readership of millions. And I'll be damned if I ever apologize for taking the life of Brickton Atlas-Trumpet editor P. Oliver Gummidge!

But I must admit defeat on one account. There is one thing in my life I sorely desired and was unable to make a reality, and that is to have my own mistress. Virtually every leading newspaper-man and captain of industry through-out our Republic has one: why not I? Hearst has that frowsy blonde chorus-girl, and President Harding himself regularly couples with a young woman in a closet adjoining the Oval Office. And before his savage murder, even P. Oliver Gummidge had an understanding with the comely Atlas-Trumpet copy editor.

It's not for lack of trying. Many a love-missive I've penned to Miss Lillian Gish, entreating her to be my concubine, but she stopped responding years ago. And I don't even want to get into the whole Gibson Girl fiasco. How was I to know she was just an ink-drawing? Perhaps my standards are too high. But why shouldn't they be? I'm as rich as dung!

Anyhow, after decades of seeking a mistress in vain, I am forced to swallow my pride and implore any and all young, unmarried, virgin females to consider shacking up with me. True, I've been shooting blanks for 91 years now, and when I'm wheeled about the mansion, a servant must follow close behind with a mop. I would not be able to fulfill any conjugal capacity, but there are other ways in which you can amuse yourself. You can listen to my extensive wax-cylinder collection or slide on the ballroom's freshly polished parquet floor! You would never again want for anything. You would wear nothing but the finest silks and eat nothing but sweet-meats!

Interested parties should address inquiries care of the Zweibel Estate. And should my search for a mistress prove fruitless, I'll be forced to select a random name from the telephone directory and have her shanghaied to my estate.

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