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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Why Can't I Have A Mistress Too?

I have often been asked if I regret anything about my life. The answer is no! If I were to do it over again, I'd do it all the same! After all, it was I who transformed The Onion from an obscure frontier news-paper with a reader-ship composed mainly of Mennonites to a bustling daily with a readership of millions. And I'll be damned if I ever apologize for taking the life of Brickton Atlas-Trumpet editor P. Oliver Gummidge!

But I must admit defeat on one account. There is one thing in my life I sorely desired and was unable to make a reality, and that is to have my own mistress. Virtually every leading newspaper-man and captain of industry through-out our Republic has one: why not I? Hearst has that frowsy blonde chorus-girl, and President Harding himself regularly couples with a young woman in a closet adjoining the Oval Office. And before his savage murder, even P. Oliver Gummidge had an understanding with the comely Atlas-Trumpet copy editor.

It's not for lack of trying. Many a love-missive I've penned to Miss Lillian Gish, entreating her to be my concubine, but she stopped responding years ago. And I don't even want to get into the whole Gibson Girl fiasco. How was I to know she was just an ink-drawing? Perhaps my standards are too high. But why shouldn't they be? I'm as rich as dung!

Anyhow, after decades of seeking a mistress in vain, I am forced to swallow my pride and implore any and all young, unmarried, virgin females to consider shacking up with me. True, I've been shooting blanks for 91 years now, and when I'm wheeled about the mansion, a servant must follow close behind with a mop. I would not be able to fulfill any conjugal capacity, but there are other ways in which you can amuse yourself. You can listen to my extensive wax-cylinder collection or slide on the ballroom's freshly polished parquet floor! You would never again want for anything. You would wear nothing but the finest silks and eat nothing but sweet-meats!

Interested parties should address inquiries care of the Zweibel Estate. And should my search for a mistress prove fruitless, I'll be forced to select a random name from the telephone directory and have her shanghaied to my estate.

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