adBlockCheck

Why Can't I Have A Mistress Too?

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Why Can't I Have A Mistress Too?

I have often been asked if I regret anything about my life. The answer is no! If I were to do it over again, I'd do it all the same! After all, it was I who transformed The Onion from an obscure frontier news-paper with a reader-ship composed mainly of Mennonites to a bustling daily with a readership of millions. And I'll be damned if I ever apologize for taking the life of Brickton Atlas-Trumpet editor P. Oliver Gummidge!

But I must admit defeat on one account. There is one thing in my life I sorely desired and was unable to make a reality, and that is to have my own mistress. Virtually every leading newspaper-man and captain of industry through-out our Republic has one: why not I? Hearst has that frowsy blonde chorus-girl, and President Harding himself regularly couples with a young woman in a closet adjoining the Oval Office. And before his savage murder, even P. Oliver Gummidge had an understanding with the comely Atlas-Trumpet copy editor.

It's not for lack of trying. Many a love-missive I've penned to Miss Lillian Gish, entreating her to be my concubine, but she stopped responding years ago. And I don't even want to get into the whole Gibson Girl fiasco. How was I to know she was just an ink-drawing? Perhaps my standards are too high. But why shouldn't they be? I'm as rich as dung!

Anyhow, after decades of seeking a mistress in vain, I am forced to swallow my pride and implore any and all young, unmarried, virgin females to consider shacking up with me. True, I've been shooting blanks for 91 years now, and when I'm wheeled about the mansion, a servant must follow close behind with a mop. I would not be able to fulfill any conjugal capacity, but there are other ways in which you can amuse yourself. You can listen to my extensive wax-cylinder collection or slide on the ballroom's freshly polished parquet floor! You would never again want for anything. You would wear nothing but the finest silks and eat nothing but sweet-meats!

Interested parties should address inquiries care of the Zweibel Estate. And should my search for a mistress prove fruitless, I'll be forced to select a random name from the telephone directory and have her shanghaied to my estate.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close