Why Can't I Sell Any Of These Fucking Bibles?

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Vol 33 Issue 25

Hero Lawyer Uses Technicality To Free Guilty Man

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Kenneth Michael Rafferty was set free Tuesday thanks to the heroism of attorney Morgan Schechter, who discovered a loophole in California arraignment procedure that made Rafferty's July 20 sentencing for armed robbery invalid. "I owe my freedom to Morgan Schechter," a teary-eyed Rafferty told reporters following his release. "If not for him, I would be facing the prospect of 30 years in prison for a crime I did commit."

Man Takes Free Thing He Doesn't Want

MESA, AZ—Despite a complete lack of interest in skin moisturization, area electrician Drew Shymanski took a complimentary six-ounce sample bottle of new Pond's Extra-Soft moisturizing lotion from a company representative while walking home Monday. "I don't know, it was free," Shymanski said of the no-obligation sample. Upon returning home, Shymanski put the lotion in his bathroom cabinet, where it will remain unopened for seven years.

Report: 98 Percent Of Americans Afraid Of 98 Percent Of Americans

WASHINGTON, DC—An ABC News/Washington Post poll released Tuesday revealed that 98 percent of Americans live in fear of a full 98 percent of other Americans. "Between the criminal element, salesmen, religious zealots, alcoholics, minorities, immigrants, fast-driving teens, employers and panhandlers, a total of 49 in 50 Americans present a fearsome image to the vast majority of their fellow citizens," the report read. Newborn babies, the elderly and the infirm are believed to comprise the non-feared 2 percent.

A Day At The Senior Center

Last Thursday, I woke to discover enormous clothes-moths flapping about my bed-chamber. Horrified, I screamed for Standish, who valiantly tried to slay the winged brutes with a can of Flit. It was soon determined that other rooms were similarly besieged with moths, and that the entire mansion had to be evacuated for fumigation.

Sometimes I Think I Have ESP!

I don't know about you, but I've always been tempted to call one of those psychic phone lines. After all, who wouldn't want to know what's going to happen to them in the future? (But then I made a prediction of my own: If hubby Rick saw all those 900 numbers on our next phone bill, my own future would be pretty brief!)
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Why Can't I Sell Any Of These Fucking Bibles?

I honestly have no idea what the hell is going on. Why can't I seem to sell any of these fucking Bibles? I'm offering the best goddamn Bible I've ever seen--not some piece-of-shit Bible that'll fall apart before you're halfway through Matthew--and still, everywhere I go, I get the door slammed in my face. What gives?

Yesterday, I was going door-to-door on Sycamore Drive. The first house I went to, this nice-looking old lady opened the door, and the first thing I noticed were these two big fucking crucifixes hanging on her living-room wall. I thought for sure I had a sale in the bag. I thought, if I can't sell a Bible to this woman, Jesus, who in all of God's fucking kingdom can I sell one to?

I didn't waste any time moving in for the sale. I asked the woman how much she'd expect to pay for a handsome Bible with a 32-page full-color insert, a genuine, hand-fucking-crafted leather cover, and a reinforced spine that could take just about any beating she could dish out.

She didn't answer, so I went ahead and answered for her: A fucking hell of a lot more than $14.99, that's for sure!

You can't get workmanship like this from those sons of bitches at Christian Book World, I told her. Just look at the gilded edges on this cocksucker! Take it into your own hands and examine the quality of this hardback volume made with 100 percent acid-free paper, I said.

This Bible will last a fuckin' lifetime. You want a Good Book? This is a good fucking book! You'd have to be brain-dead not to get in on a deal like this. Hell, I said, I'll throw in a motherfucking "Parables & Miracles Of Christ" bookmark for absolutely free!

I poured my heart out on that doorstep, and do you think I earned one red son-of-a-bitching cent? Nope. I tried not to show my disappointment, though, and acted real professional. When I left, I waved and said, "Thank you, ma'am, perhaps some other time."

Why does this happen day after day? I'm offering one seriously nice Bible for a goddamn song. Still, I've got three fucking crates of them sitting in the trunk of my car. Christ!

It can't be me, 'cause I know I'm a good salesman. I worked for 14 years at Jensen Used Auto Parts, and I was the top man in sales six years running. Before that, I sold plumbing fixtures and made a goddamn fortune on commissions.

At this point, I have no choice but to contact the Beechwood Bible Company and complain, because I'm doing everything their official Bible salesman's handbook says I should do.

First, it says, Greet the customer in a friendly manner. I do that. I flash a big smile and say, "How the hell are you doing today?"

Number two, it says, Politely ask, "May have a moment of your time?" I've started reading the sentence right out of the handbook, just to prove I'm doing things to the letter. I say, "Ma'am, may I have a moment of your time?" If she says no, I leave. If she says yes, I say, "Thank you, I won't be long. I know you're probably extremely busy keeping up this big-ass house of yours."

Step three is to present the product. Well, fuck—that's the easy part! This fucking Bible should sell itself! It has everything: It's got the New Fucking Testament, it's got the Old Fucking Testament. It's got a full index and supplemental material in the back. It even has all the shit Jesus said conveniently highlighted in red ink.

I guess this proves people just aren't religious anymore. The Word of God must mean nothing to people nowadays. Christ Almighty, that's just fucking sad.

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