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Why Can't I Sell Any Of These Fucking Bibles?

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WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Why Can't I Sell Any Of These Fucking Bibles?

I honestly have no idea what the hell is going on. Why can't I seem to sell any of these fucking Bibles? I'm offering the best goddamn Bible I've ever seen--not some piece-of-shit Bible that'll fall apart before you're halfway through Matthew--and still, everywhere I go, I get the door slammed in my face. What gives?

Yesterday, I was going door-to-door on Sycamore Drive. The first house I went to, this nice-looking old lady opened the door, and the first thing I noticed were these two big fucking crucifixes hanging on her living-room wall. I thought for sure I had a sale in the bag. I thought, if I can't sell a Bible to this woman, Jesus, who in all of God's fucking kingdom can I sell one to?

I didn't waste any time moving in for the sale. I asked the woman how much she'd expect to pay for a handsome Bible with a 32-page full-color insert, a genuine, hand-fucking-crafted leather cover, and a reinforced spine that could take just about any beating she could dish out.

She didn't answer, so I went ahead and answered for her: A fucking hell of a lot more than $14.99, that's for sure!

You can't get workmanship like this from those sons of bitches at Christian Book World, I told her. Just look at the gilded edges on this cocksucker! Take it into your own hands and examine the quality of this hardback volume made with 100 percent acid-free paper, I said.

This Bible will last a fuckin' lifetime. You want a Good Book? This is a good fucking book! You'd have to be brain-dead not to get in on a deal like this. Hell, I said, I'll throw in a motherfucking "Parables & Miracles Of Christ" bookmark for absolutely free!

I poured my heart out on that doorstep, and do you think I earned one red son-of-a-bitching cent? Nope. I tried not to show my disappointment, though, and acted real professional. When I left, I waved and said, "Thank you, ma'am, perhaps some other time."

Why does this happen day after day? I'm offering one seriously nice Bible for a goddamn song. Still, I've got three fucking crates of them sitting in the trunk of my car. Christ!

It can't be me, 'cause I know I'm a good salesman. I worked for 14 years at Jensen Used Auto Parts, and I was the top man in sales six years running. Before that, I sold plumbing fixtures and made a goddamn fortune on commissions.

At this point, I have no choice but to contact the Beechwood Bible Company and complain, because I'm doing everything their official Bible salesman's handbook says I should do.

First, it says, Greet the customer in a friendly manner. I do that. I flash a big smile and say, "How the hell are you doing today?"

Number two, it says, Politely ask, "May have a moment of your time?" I've started reading the sentence right out of the handbook, just to prove I'm doing things to the letter. I say, "Ma'am, may I have a moment of your time?" If she says no, I leave. If she says yes, I say, "Thank you, I won't be long. I know you're probably extremely busy keeping up this big-ass house of yours."

Step three is to present the product. Well, fuck—that's the easy part! This fucking Bible should sell itself! It has everything: It's got the New Fucking Testament, it's got the Old Fucking Testament. It's got a full index and supplemental material in the back. It even has all the shit Jesus said conveniently highlighted in red ink.

I guess this proves people just aren't religious anymore. The Word of God must mean nothing to people nowadays. Christ Almighty, that's just fucking sad.

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