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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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Why Can't We Live In Enlightened Topless Europe?

I realize that speaking out in favor of Europe is not a wise thing to do these days, but I must give credit where credit is due. My tour of Europe last summer opened my eyes to a rich culture where people place a premium on conversations about philosophy and ideas rather than last night's episode of Friends. Food is prepared and savored, not popped in the microwave and inhaled. And women are free to expose their breasts, not forced to hide them behind layers of constricting fabric. Why, oh, why, can't we live in enlightened topless Europe?

The United States is so backwards and repressed. Americans don't value the arts nearly as much as Europeans. Here in America, artists struggle to make ends meet. In Europe, artists have patrons in the government. Painters and sculptors are free to create as many works of art with the breast as they wish. Or they may choose not to include breasts in their art. But even when they don't, they know that breasts are an accepted and encouraged option.

Unlike us philistines, Europeans appreciate beauty and aesthetics, and incorporate them into everyday life. Instead of soulless edifices of concrete and steel, European buildings are beautifully crafted with intricate Old World ornamentation. Instead of garish, fluorescent-lit food courts, Europeans gather in magnificent open-air plazas. And instead of breasts crushed by shape-obscuring bras, Europeans routinely enjoy the sight of pert young breasts, presented with their graceful curves fully intact. In the piazzas of Italy, the fountains are rich with statues where pointy little breasts are left exposed for anyone to see and appreciate. Bellissimo!

Breasts in Europe aren't just exposed—they're celebrated. In London, for example, the newspapers feature a "Page Three" girl who poses with her top off. What do we have on the third page of our nation's so-called "paper of record," The New York Times? News. What is wrong with this country that some explosion or election somewhere is more important than the beauty of the female form?

Nowhere are Americans more repressed than in matters of health. We sunbathe modestly, take unisex saunas, and cover our torsos everywhere but in the privacy of our own homes. The French don't hesitate to maximize their intake of vitamin D from the sun by doffing their bikini tops whenever possible. In the spas of Austria, patrons not only go topless, but bottomless, as well. Would you ever see a fully naked young woman in a YWCA in Atlanta or Chicago? Of course not. We Americans simply wouldn't be able to handle such a shocking sight.

The U.S. government doesn't do anything to help foster a social climate in which breasts can flourish. In fact, they do just the opposite. Breasts are often declared "lewd" or "indecent," and those who express themselves with pure hearts and open brassieres are ticketed and fined. In Europe, breasts are free to express themselves and interact with the world.

Now, assuming I am someone who enjoys the glorious sight of naked breasts (which I am), how can I see them in America? My only options are to frequent sleazy gentlemen's clubs or buy pornographic magazines. This is exactly what's wrong with America. When you repress the breast, you turn it into a dirty thing. You take something lovely and natural, and pervert it into something impure. That's what our country has done.

I still hold out hope for us. Most Americans, after all, still have traces of European blood coursing through their veins. Their ancestors came from France, from Germany, from Italy—places where they have naked breasts on the cover of mainstream magazines. Somewhere, buried deep within our DNA, is the potential to break free from our self-imposed, mammary-despising shackles. We must tap into these long-dormant European genes and unleash the wellspring of enlightenment. Only then will we live in a truly enlightened—and topless—United States of America.

More from this section

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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