Why Can't We Live In Enlightened Topless Europe?

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Vol 39 Issue 08

White History Year Resumes

WASHINGTON, DC—Scholars say there is a remarkable wealth of documented white history to explore this coming March through December.

Moral Tacked Onto End Of Man's Life

NORTH PLATTE, NE—Immediately following his death Tuesday, a moral was hastily tacked onto the life of North Platte resident Roy Brooks. "As Roy's life plainly illustrated, you'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar," said Rev. Paul Winters, speaking from Brooks' death bed at St. Augustus Memorial Hospital. "If there's anything this man taught us, it is surely that." Responding to the statement, Brooks' loved ones agreed that they had learned a valuable lesson.

U.S. Capitol Cleaning Turns Up Long-Lost Constitution

WASHINGTON, DC—Lost for nearly two years, the U.S. Constitution was found Tuesday behind a couch in the Governor's Reception Room. "Wow, I forgot all about that thing," said U.S. Sen. Chris Dodd (D-CT), who found the historic document while vacuuming. "Nobody knew what happened to it. Guess it must've fallen back there during a meeting." After making the find, Dodd spent several minutes rereading some of his favorite old amendments.

Rich First-Grader Buys Whole Sheet Of Gold Stars

BREMERTON, WA—Lakeside Elementary first-grader Max Carr, son of Boeing CEO Robert Carr, used a small portion of his $100 weekly allowance Monday to buy himself a sheet of the gold stars used to reward academic achievement. "I don't get why all the kids work so hard to get good grades just for a sticker," Carr said. "I only got a C-minus on my phonics homework, but Mommy took me to the mall, and now I have 10 gold stars—more than anybody in the whole class." Carr said his "dumb classmates have no idea" that students can simply purchase a sheet of "Great Job!" Mickey Mouse stickers at a store.

After 10 Months Of Bitter Struggle, Downstairs Neighbor Masters 'Jumpin' Jack Flash'

GAINESVILLE, FL—After 10 months of bitter, around-the-clock struggle, pizza-delivery driver and aspiring guitarist Darren Lowell, 23, has finally mastered The Rolling Stones' "Jumpin' Jack Flash," his upstairs neighbor reported Tuesday. "I'm glad he finally nailed it," neighbor Jeremy Quinlan said. "From what I could hear through my living-room floor these past 10 months, he was really locked in an epic battle with that elusive 'dunh-dunh, da-da-da da-da-da da-da-da' riff. It was truly like Ahab and the whale." Next week, Lowell is slated to embark on his next ambitious project, Van Halen's "Eruption," which is scheduled for completion in the spring of 2004.

Movie Marketed As Six Different Genres

NEW YORK—Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind, the Miramax film based on the memoirs of Gong Show creator Chuck Barris, is being marketed as six different genres, sources reported Tuesday. "So far, I've seen TV ads making it look like a romantic comedy, a spy thriller, a Hollywood satire, a straightforward biopic, and a strange, Being John Malkovich-esque mind-bender," said Daniel Taubman, 24, of Chapel Hill, NC. "I heard there's also one that makes it look like a chick flick, playing up the whole Drew Barrymore/Julia Roberts angle, but I haven't seen it. It probably runs on Lifetime or Oxygen or something."

The Great White Tragedy

Some are calling for criminal charges to be filed against the band Great White for its role in the deadly Feb. 20 pyrotechnics fire in Rhode Island. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Why Can't We Live In Enlightened Topless Europe?

I realize that speaking out in favor of Europe is not a wise thing to do these days, but I must give credit where credit is due. My tour of Europe last summer opened my eyes to a rich culture where people place a premium on conversations about philosophy and ideas rather than last night's episode of Friends. Food is prepared and savored, not popped in the microwave and inhaled. And women are free to expose their breasts, not forced to hide them behind layers of constricting fabric. Why, oh, why, can't we live in enlightened topless Europe?

The United States is so backwards and repressed. Americans don't value the arts nearly as much as Europeans. Here in America, artists struggle to make ends meet. In Europe, artists have patrons in the government. Painters and sculptors are free to create as many works of art with the breast as they wish. Or they may choose not to include breasts in their art. But even when they don't, they know that breasts are an accepted and encouraged option.

Unlike us philistines, Europeans appreciate beauty and aesthetics, and incorporate them into everyday life. Instead of soulless edifices of concrete and steel, European buildings are beautifully crafted with intricate Old World ornamentation. Instead of garish, fluorescent-lit food courts, Europeans gather in magnificent open-air plazas. And instead of breasts crushed by shape-obscuring bras, Europeans routinely enjoy the sight of pert young breasts, presented with their graceful curves fully intact. In the piazzas of Italy, the fountains are rich with statues where pointy little breasts are left exposed for anyone to see and appreciate. Bellissimo!

Breasts in Europe aren't just exposed—they're celebrated. In London, for example, the newspapers feature a "Page Three" girl who poses with her top off. What do we have on the third page of our nation's so-called "paper of record," The New York Times? News. What is wrong with this country that some explosion or election somewhere is more important than the beauty of the female form?

Nowhere are Americans more repressed than in matters of health. We sunbathe modestly, take unisex saunas, and cover our torsos everywhere but in the privacy of our own homes. The French don't hesitate to maximize their intake of vitamin D from the sun by doffing their bikini tops whenever possible. In the spas of Austria, patrons not only go topless, but bottomless, as well. Would you ever see a fully naked young woman in a YWCA in Atlanta or Chicago? Of course not. We Americans simply wouldn't be able to handle such a shocking sight.

The U.S. government doesn't do anything to help foster a social climate in which breasts can flourish. In fact, they do just the opposite. Breasts are often declared "lewd" or "indecent," and those who express themselves with pure hearts and open brassieres are ticketed and fined. In Europe, breasts are free to express themselves and interact with the world.

Now, assuming I am someone who enjoys the glorious sight of naked breasts (which I am), how can I see them in America? My only options are to frequent sleazy gentlemen's clubs or buy pornographic magazines. This is exactly what's wrong with America. When you repress the breast, you turn it into a dirty thing. You take something lovely and natural, and pervert it into something impure. That's what our country has done.

I still hold out hope for us. Most Americans, after all, still have traces of European blood coursing through their veins. Their ancestors came from France, from Germany, from Italy—places where they have naked breasts on the cover of mainstream magazines. Somewhere, buried deep within our DNA, is the potential to break free from our self-imposed, mammary-despising shackles. We must tap into these long-dormant European genes and unleash the wellspring of enlightenment. Only then will we live in a truly enlightened—and topless—United States of America.

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