Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me Jerry Garcia Was Dead?

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Vol 31 Issue 15

Viewer Outraged

SHREVEPORT, LA—Longtime television viewer Abraham Frank, 78, expressed outrage Tuesday over a Married With Children episode in which a swimsuit beauty pageant featured many scantily clad young ladies, many with oiled skin. "I am outraged," Frank said. "I did not care for that program one bit." In the past, Frank has been outraged by televised displays of violence, interracial romance and the use of the word "booty."

Unpopular High-Schoolers Downplay Significance Of Prom

DOVER, DE—With Dover Central High School's May 11 prom fast approaching, unpopular seniors Kenneth Edmonds, 17, and James Montauk, 18, are actively downplaying the significance of the dance. "I feel sorry for those kids who have to dress up in those monkey suits all night," said Edmonds, a top-notch science student who plans to attend Cornell University in the fall. "They won't have any idea how dumb they look." Montauk, who dismissed the event as "stupid and lame," plans to spend prom night participating in an on-line Duke Nukem 3D tournament.

Major League Baseball To Retire All Black Players

NEW YORK—In honor of Brooklyn Dodgers legend Jackie Robinson, who broke baseball's color barrier 50 years ago last week, Major League Baseball officials announced Monday the retirement of all black players, effective immediately. "Jackie Robinson was a true pioneer and an extraordinary human being," said acting commissioner of baseball Bud Selig in a formal ceremony. "Today, we honor his memory in the greatest way possible—by making sure that no other athlete ever occupies his role as a professional black baseball player." Among the players retired Monday in Robinson's honor: Ken Griffey Jr., Barry Bonds and Frank Thomas. NHL officials said they would do the same.

My Night In Hunk Heaven

How's this for a triple threat: It's Monday, I have a yeast infection, and it's my birthday. (Fortunately, I've learned how to halt the aging process--I stopped counting at 29!)

Horoscope for the week of April 23, 1997

You will be attacked by knife-wielding maniacs who will stab you 27 times, but take heart—a simple mixture of salt and lemon juice should get the stains out of your clothes.

Is The President Above The Law?

Last week, President Clinton's Whitewater business partner was sentenced to three years in prison, while the president avoided standing trial. Days later, Attorney General Janet Reno announced she would not order an investigation of Clinton's questionable 1996 election fund-raising. Should presidents in some cases be exempt from prosecution?

Curse You, Rogue Highwayman!

For the past week the Zweibel Estate has been transformed into a vast fortress. The servants have been busy boarding up the windows, digging trenches and sandbagging the grounds. Why, you ask? A rogue highwayman rides loose in the county, robbing wealthy landowners and distributing the ill-gotten gains to the destitute peasantry. Bring me the head of Black Scarlet, bandit and fiend!

C-SPAN Courts Viewers With 'Mr. Slotnik,' Congress' Cantankerous Landlord

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing lackluster ratings in an increasingly competitive cable market, C-SPAN announced Monday that it will beef up the cast of characters on its daily congressional broadcasts with "Mr. Slotnik," a gruff but lovable landlord who owns the Capitol Building where sessions of Congress take place.

Crash Pulled From Theaters Following Real-Life Car Crash

OVERLAND PARK, KS—In what highway safety personnel are calling "a chilling example of cinema come to life," David Cronenberg's Crash was pulled from the nation's theaters Monday following an automotive accident near Kansas City which claimed two lives.
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Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me Jerry Garcia Was Dead?

Whoa, dude, shit. This is heavy. This is so... God, I don't know. Let me tell you, man. I was sitting down with all these people on the sidewalk in front of Beads 'N' More Beads one day last year, just playing the guitar and making bracelets, and everybody was talking about Jerry Garcia.

They're all saying he's dead, and I was like, "Dude, of course—he is the Dead." I mean, Phil and Bob and all those other guys, shit, they're just following Jerry's vision. Jerry's the one that hears, like, the voice or whatever it is. You hear "Box of Rain," and you think Jerry, not those other guys, you dig?

Anyway, everyone was rollin' up big doobies and passin' them around and saying, "This one's for Jerry," and I thought that was pretty cool. I was leaning back against the building and looking up into the sky, thinking, man, that guy is the fuckin' king, or something. Yeah, he's like a king. Only it isn't like a country that he's the king of. It's like he's king of the music.

Then all the chicks there, Fauna and Savannah and the rest of them, all of a sudden they started crying. I didn't really know what was up, but I gave the one in the long peasant dress a big hug and said, "It's gonna be all right." She said, "Yeah," and smiled and hugged me back. It was pretty cool.

So anyway, that was, like, a whole bunch of months ago, but then yesterday, oh, man, it was so intense. I was playing hacky sack on the grass with Derek and Randy and Pete. We were all barefoot and had a bunch of juggling sticks, and I had a whole quarter with me. We were passing the pipe around, and it was so warm and sunny and there was so much nature everywhere. I was thinking, shit, this is nice.

So I say to this guy in a dashiki, I gotta get a new brother to hook me up. The summer's coming soon, and I'm gonna need some serious green stuff. You see, the plan for the summer was to quit my Greenpeace canvassing job, get the van running and drive around to a bunch of Dead shows. But then this guy in one of those Dr. Seuss hats says to me, "Man, that band ain't nothing without Jerry Garcia. We're driving out to see Phish in Colorado this June, man. Those dudes have inherited the vibes, you know?"

I was shocked. I said, "What do you mean—Jerry quit the band?"

So the guy with the Seuss hat says, "No, man. Jerry's dead."

Then I say, "Well if he's Dead, then he's still with the band."

So then he says, "No, man, he's dead. He died."

I'd just had some kind bud at my wake and bake, so I was a little bit buzzed, but a couple minutes after he said that, I let out the biggest "Whoa" of my 20 years. Jerry's dead? Shit, man. This is the end of a—what's it called? Oh, an era. This is the end of an era.

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