adBlockCheck

Why Must The Media Call My Ritual Killings 'Senseless'?

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Why Must The Media Call My Ritual Killings 'Senseless'?

Ever since the sixth grade, when Danielle Mattson called the chicken-bone-and-dead-fly sculpture I made for art class "disgusting," I've not been one to take criticism well. I'm not saying I'm above reproach. I just think that if someone is going to find fault with one's work, his or her critique should come from a well-informed, knowledgeable place.

Unfortunately, that's hardly the case with reporters these days. If the media had any clue how much care and preparation went into my recent string of ritual murders, they wouldn't call them "senseless." On the contrary, my tri-state killing spree makes nothing but sense.

Is it that the media simply don't see the pride and craftsmanship I put into my work? They know each victim's arms have been meticulously arranged to mimic the hands of a clock. They know each victim's arms have read an hour later than those of the previous victim. Do I receive plaudits for getting the arms to stay in place in spite of muscle contractions and the like? No. What about the way I wrap the victims' own intestines around their necks not once, not twice, but three times, then tie them off in a sheepshank? Or the teaspoon of cumin I carefully pile on each of their eyesockets? "Senseless," my eye. I'd like to see that retard Ed Gein do that without spilling so much as a grain.

If it's a method to the madness that these journalists are looking for, they need look no further than the police evidence room. It's all there: the methodically collected jars of toenail clippings, the red handkerchiefs lovingly stapled to each victim's left earlobe, the cryptic notes painstakingly penned with my own semen—all the elements of The Plan. Isn't it obvious that this is not the random cross-country slaughter of a playboy like Ted Bundy? No, these aren't the acts of a "mindless lunatic," but rather the impressive product of months of preparation and hard work.

The newspapers may misunderstand my work, but endgame will be mine. Hearing my ritual slayings called "senseless" just makes me want to redouble my efforts. Of course, I can't move any faster or slower than The Plan allows, but the media's thoughtless dismissal only drives me to work that much harder.

Sure, you could call my first murder "senseless." I'll admit, that inaugural evisceration showed my lack of experience. I was still green and hadn't hit my stride yet. But by the third or fourth body, I had found my voice. From the way I wrap the bodies in gingham to the pattern of gnawing lightly on their pinky fingers, all of my work from that point forward bears my unmistakable stamp, just as a Picasso couldn't be confused with a Braque.

There are certain words I might ascribe to my killings. "Precise." "Cold-blooded." "Jarring." But "senseless"? It's so typical of newspapers to lazily fall back on such a hackneyed description of murder. It's like the Zodiac Killer. No one really got what he was all about. The journalists, more concerned with filling column inches on deadline than capturing his essence, never saw the artistry behind the blood.

The media don't understand that, in my work, it's all about The Plan. I am merely the vessel that will bring it to fruition. It's not like I particularly enjoy killing people, but for the greater good of mankind, it has to happen. I'm sure a lot of people who have gardens don't particularly enjoy weeding, fertilizing, and watering their plants, but they do it to make possible what such labor will bear: delicious, life-giving vegetables. I can't really put into words what my labor will accomplish, as I am only told about The Plan in messages that come out of my pencil sharpener in small fragments. But, unlike some reporters I could name, I see that it will all make sense in time.

So here I sit, another misunderstood visionary whose detractors lack the critical faculties to properly assess and contextualize his work. Even though I'm already up to eight victims, I can't wait to reach number 12, because that's when it will all come together. Like a hurricane wind, I will unleash a gale-force fury that blows away those who were too narrow-minded to comprehend my work. Then, the world will know why I'm a ritual killer and not just some boob on a clock tower shooting students willy-nilly.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close