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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Why Was I Not Informed About Bruce Lee?

I am going to try to remain calm and keep in mind that you purport to be decent, rational people. As my parents and peers, you supposedly have my best interests at heart. But over the past 80 minutes, it has come to my attention that there exists a series of films featuring a man capable of the most unbridled and elegant awesomeness, a man capable of knocking a guy out with a punch started one inch away from his enemy's chest. That I somehow reached my twelfth year of life without anyone alerting me to this fact is beyond my comprehension and, ultimately, inexcusable.

I have always tried to present myself as the type of person who enjoys watching dudes fight other dudes with iron claws. In the past, many of you have possessed the presence of mind and shown the consideration to inform me about firecrackers, battling robots, and guns that shoot paint—and I appreciate that. But in no way does that justify the fact that you have hidden from me the very information which may be most crucial to my existence: that a man named Bruce Lee can break a guy's leg and arm in two punches and then snap his neck with one arm.

These past 12 years have been an utter waste.

Do I not look like a person who would benefit from the knowledge that Bruce Lee actually asks people to kick him in the face? How am I to believe anyone cares about me at all when it is the year 2007 and I have only just now, for the first time, watched this man clench his fists and crack all the bones in his body?

The matter of Bruce Lee and his incredible kick-assness should have been brought to my attention months—nay, years—ago. If by no one else, then at least by my parents, who have an obligation to provide me with food, water, and shelter, as well as to make sure I am kept fully abreast of any awesome guys who can punch so fast it's like they have 40 fists. Is this not their responsibility as my guardians and role models? God only knows what long-term effects their negligence will have on me.

The tragedy is, it would have been such an easy thing to do. Someone could have simply sat me down and said to me in a calm, clear voice, "Sam, Bruce Lee can whip nunchucks around like a hundred times per second." I could have taken it from there.

But for some reason that I cannot fathom, I was kept in the dark. I have been going to school and playing outside with my friends, and all the while I could have been sitting at home watching someone do a one-handed push-up using only two fingers. And he can. I've seen it, and it's beyond awesome. But Bruce Lee's unquestionable awesomeness is hardly the issue here. I have witnessed him taste his own blood from a wound and then go nuts on this one guy, so it's not up for debate.

You say you love me, and yet there is a man who can jump like four feet into the air and kick a guy five times before landing—and you kept it from me. That can hardly be called love.

Perhaps you took some kind of sick joy in my ignorance. Maybe all of you have formed a regular gathering of some kind to share a hearty laugh at silly little 12-year-old Sammy Potts, who still thinks Chuck Norris is cool, when there exists in this world another, better guy who actually kills Chuck Norris in one of his movies. Oh, how you must have laughed.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear to avoid any misunderstandings like this in the future: If you know of any men who can casually stand on live cobras while sending a telegram, or scissor kick a dude who's still hanging onto his foot, alert me immediately.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must go repeatedly tell everyone I know.

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