Why Was I Not Informed About Bruce Lee?

In This Section

After Birth

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year

ROUND ROCK, TX—Frustrated at her repeated inability to steer a struggling young person in the right direction, McClintock High School English teacher Jan Broderic said Tuesday that she picks the wrong student to believe in every fucking year. Broder...

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Sleep

Innovation

Why Was I Not Informed About Bruce Lee?

I am going to try to remain calm and keep in mind that you purport to be decent, rational people. As my parents and peers, you supposedly have my best interests at heart. But over the past 80 minutes, it has come to my attention that there exists a series of films featuring a man capable of the most unbridled and elegant awesomeness, a man capable of knocking a guy out with a punch started one inch away from his enemy's chest. That I somehow reached my twelfth year of life without anyone alerting me to this fact is beyond my comprehension and, ultimately, inexcusable.

I have always tried to present myself as the type of person who enjoys watching dudes fight other dudes with iron claws. In the past, many of you have possessed the presence of mind and shown the consideration to inform me about firecrackers, battling robots, and guns that shoot paint—and I appreciate that. But in no way does that justify the fact that you have hidden from me the very information which may be most crucial to my existence: that a man named Bruce Lee can break a guy's leg and arm in two punches and then snap his neck with one arm.

These past 12 years have been an utter waste.

Do I not look like a person who would benefit from the knowledge that Bruce Lee actually asks people to kick him in the face? How am I to believe anyone cares about me at all when it is the year 2007 and I have only just now, for the first time, watched this man clench his fists and crack all the bones in his body?

The matter of Bruce Lee and his incredible kick-assness should have been brought to my attention months—nay, years—ago. If by no one else, then at least by my parents, who have an obligation to provide me with food, water, and shelter, as well as to make sure I am kept fully abreast of any awesome guys who can punch so fast it's like they have 40 fists. Is this not their responsibility as my guardians and role models? God only knows what long-term effects their negligence will have on me.

The tragedy is, it would have been such an easy thing to do. Someone could have simply sat me down and said to me in a calm, clear voice, "Sam, Bruce Lee can whip nunchucks around like a hundred times per second." I could have taken it from there.

But for some reason that I cannot fathom, I was kept in the dark. I have been going to school and playing outside with my friends, and all the while I could have been sitting at home watching someone do a one-handed push-up using only two fingers. And he can. I've seen it, and it's beyond awesome. But Bruce Lee's unquestionable awesomeness is hardly the issue here. I have witnessed him taste his own blood from a wound and then go nuts on this one guy, so it's not up for debate.

You say you love me, and yet there is a man who can jump like four feet into the air and kick a guy five times before landing—and you kept it from me. That can hardly be called love.

Perhaps you took some kind of sick joy in my ignorance. Maybe all of you have formed a regular gathering of some kind to share a hearty laugh at silly little 12-year-old Sammy Potts, who still thinks Chuck Norris is cool, when there exists in this world another, better guy who actually kills Chuck Norris in one of his movies. Oh, how you must have laughed.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear to avoid any misunderstandings like this in the future: If you know of any men who can casually stand on live cobras while sending a telegram, or scissor kick a dude who's still hanging onto his foot, alert me immediately.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must go repeatedly tell everyone I know.

Next Story

After Birth Video